Strangled by the woman within

[Joe_Black1]

Hello Forum-World,

I’m in a real spot of bother. Not sure if I’m self-destructing or if I’m just lost on the path of “depression alley”. Had some really dark thoughts in the last 48hrs and I'm simply throwing it out here on BB to ‘vent’.   I’ve struggled with transgender thoughts since around age 6. School was a mess of confusion, hormones and fear. Enough said, most of you probably had the same or worse. I hated myself and every living thing. Literally despised myself the more I became ‘manly’. I attempted very harmful things along the way to escape. Back in the 70’s growing up in a small town, transgender wasn’t even a word. My thoughts and desires had no name, just pain.  

Adulthood began with what I do best: becoming, behaving as people expected of me mostly. I joined the Army just as all the males in my family did. I hated it and left. My loving father didn’t speak to me for several days after my return. I have felt that pang of shame and disappointment many times since. To regain my parents approval, I became a manager and worked for many years in jobs I mostly disliked, always fighting my inner demoness in private. I tried women’s’ clothes in private, but that made the feelings stronger and more painful.

Now in my 40’s and married with 2 great kids. I have it all.. good house, job, beautiful wife & kids - but inside my inner demoness is slowly choking me. They deserve better than this, better than me. My self-loathing & destructive ways are creeping back and my medication is losing. I drink too much and get very tired or angry. I am filled with fear & hatred. Fear for what I may do and hatred for there is no escape. I see stories of other trans women such as Andreja Prejic moving on with their lives, but I know that can’t happen for me. I made my bed and now I lie in it. I am a married family man and society has strong views on this. My stomach is hurting just thinking about it. I don’t want to hurt anyone.  

I’ve tried therapy. She was a lovely lady who did her best to try and understand my situation. However, I don’t feel like she really gets it. I feel more like I’m just educating her on the “trans condition” for her memoirs… any good therapist recommendations?  

I want to meet other transfolk to talk, learn & hopefully laugh. Laughing… I think I remember how that goes. Are there support groups for us? I’m afraid to go though: there are only two people who know my condition – my Doc & my Therapist (& you lovely BB peeps)  

JB

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[Doolhof]

Hi JB,

I seem to recall a story similar to yours a while ago, but sorry I can't remember who it was from. Have you checked out other posts to see if you can relate to any of them?

When you are really tired or angry, or both, how does your wife react? Do you think she has any idea at all as to how you feel deep down? Have you shared this information with her and if you did, how do you think she would feel?

Is there an option for you to leave the family, to still support them and be in contact with your children?

I am not in your situation, so I don't know how you feel. For me, I had always wanted to be a Mum since I was about 14, I had 5 pregnancies, none went past 21 weeks so I have no live children. I wanted to adopt but my husband didn't. For years I battled with "Do I stay with a guy who doesn't want to help me be a mother or do I leave?" I stayed.

As I said, it is certainly not the same thing, but we all have to make choices. I have carried around a shattered heart for a couple of decades, but have still managed to be happy and content in other ways.

I hope you can make peace with which ever way you decide to go in life!

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools

[GothGirl79]

Hi JB,

Firstly I will say that there most definitely are support groups available. There could be local support groups depending on where you live, however I make an assumption that going to such might be a big step at this stage if you have only spoken about your identity with two people. A really good start is some of the online Facebook groups - just search for 'trans' in groups and have a read of the various group descriptions and you will hopefully find one that suits yourself.

To possibly provide you some awareness as well, I will let you know my life experience.

I knew from my earliest memories (pre-school) who I was meant to be and was so upset that my body didn't match. Like you, in the later 70's early 80's there was no knowledge of gender dysphoria and my parents certainly didn't know how to help me. I learnt to hide as well and pretend to be what society wanted.
School, I prefer to just forget with the problems I went through with harassment and bullying. I then went through a stage of trying to prove, even to myself, what I wasn't. It included joining the military as well, although I am still in it *smile*.
I married, and although I put up with an abusive relationship for ten years because I thought I had to, I was blessed with three amazing daughters.
The depression that had plagued me my entire life built up though, until one incident that I came very close to ending my own life. I knew then that I had to transition if I wanted to survive.
I am still working through a very acrimonious divorce with many arguments about time with my children. But I can say that I have never been more at ease with who I am - as a mother now to my girls, as a professional military officer, and to be honest - simply as me.

Life is hard, whether you stay with what is 'comfortable and safe' or whether you take the risks. But life is always worth living - for our loved ones, for those that love us, and most importantly for ourselves - because there really is laughter out there, it just hides from us at times.

Kindest wishes

[HA1]

GothGirl

Beautiful and warm reply to JB. Please stick around.

K

[Joe_Black1]

Thank you Mrs Dools and GothGirl,

Your responses are good to read and I’m relieved and glad my post was read and people took the time to reply. I am going through what I can only describe as a pretty sickening roller-coaster of doubt, confusion and self-hate at the moment. I range from feeling like I can’t keep up the charade, to questioning my every thought. I have so little self-confidence and belief that I can’t be sure which is my real “inner voice” anymore.  

However, I will take up your advice and look into FB groups for trans people. I hadn’t even considered that. I can only imagine there would be a fair number of them.

Gothgirl, you mentioned you are still in the military – how did that go with your transition? I had a male friend show me an email he received from a business contact advising that he would now like to be known as a female name and my friend had a good laugh. He has no idea that his reaction was stabbing me inside, but it’s so hard to bring up. How did it go for you?

[Doolhof]

Hi JB,

Have you had any luck finding any groups or contacts with trans people? I'm sure if you typed specific words into Google, you will come up with all kinds of information and contacts.

I don't know anyone in your situation to be able to advise you how they have managed the transition. That is not by choice, I just haven't met anyone in your situation.

I'm wondering if it would be possible for you to get away for a weekend to a place where no one knows you, where you would feel comfortable living out how you feel on the inside? Would something like that help you, or do you think it might add to your confusion as to who you should be right now.

It must have been devastating for you when your friend had a laugh over the email he received about a person now wanting to be known by a females name.

Some people are certainly more accepting of the differences in others, but others are so intolerant and just don't try to understand.

I am a Christian and I have a friend who believes in witches. We are still friends even though our beliefs are so completely different.

Hopefully you will find people who will accept who you desire to be.

While you are still trying to sort out/decide who you want to be, do you have hobbies and interests to keep you grounded, to give you pleasure, a sense of achievement and a sense of self esteem? We all need to feel fulfilled some how.

Once again, I hope some of this helps. I have never walked in your shoes, so don't know how you are feeling. We all need to know that someone cares, so please accept my thoughts and ideas as being from a person who hopes you manage to find yourself.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools 

[Joe_Black1]

Thanks again Mrs Dools,

Right now I don't have any chance of getting away by myself. Hopefully one day...

I have a few small hobbies to take my mind off things, plus I do love a glass of wine and cheese! They tend to make me feel more myself (but I don't overdo it now I'm on my meds). I have put out the feelers online and found some groups (mostly matchmaking sadly - not what I need right now!), but I will persevere.

[Doolhof]

Hi JB,

Just wondering how your wife fits in with all of this? Have you told her at all how you are feeling or do you think she will freak out if you tell her?

You mentioned in your first post that the only people who know how you feel are your Dr. and your therapist. (and now all of the BB Community!)

If you are feeling depressed and have a sense of being lost, then your wife must notice this. Does she question you about how you are feeling and why?

Regarding the liking of wine, do you live near a wine producing area? You could take the family out and go for a little tour. I am not advocating the over indulgence of wine tasting, just choose a couple of places and go and have a look and a bit of a taste.

We live close to the Barossa Valley in S.A. I don't like wine very much but enjoy visiting the wineries for the heritage, the food on offer, the gardens, the views sometimes and some have walks around their properties and art displays.

Enjoying your hobbies and finding things to do that give you a sense of satisfaction or achievement is important to us all.

Thanks for getting back to me. It would be wonderful if you could share how you feel with your wife, but that may just not be the right thing to do at all.

I had a girlfriend who was told by her husband that he was gay and wanted to be with boys, so she left him and took their two sons with her. I don't think she had any contact with him again after that. So I guess that is something you must be thinking about as well if you tell your wife how you are feeling.

Life can be daunting, but it can be beautiful as well.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools 

[Joe_Black1]

Hi Mrs D,

 I wonder constantly how much my wife knows or suspects. I have told her about my depression, but certainly not about my gender issue. I'm not ready for that and she has mild MS, so as far as the "who's suffering the most", she wins that hands-down. She's not afraid to use that as an excuse for just about any failing these days, and I have no come-back (not that I'm not without my faults... clearly!!)

She and I have had a loving relationship, but with MS comes al kinds of problems for her, which impact on us both. She is incredibly strong however and I admire her ability to drive herself no matter what. Her late father came out as bisexual a decade ago and began living with a man, and she took that quite well. although it will be somewhat different for the father of her children, and rightfully so. I still love her and always will, but I suspect that I too am bisexual (not that I want to leave her anytime, however).

We do live near a wine producing area, but not as renowned as the Barossa! Hence my love of wine. I like your idea of walks - it is one of my favourite quiet-time activities.

Thank you,

JB

[Doolhof]

Hi JB,

Only you will know if there is ever a right time to tell your wife what is going on inside your mind and your body.

Maybe she would be accepting of you telling her the truth, in relation to her father now living with a man.

I don't know a great deal about MS only that it can be very debilitating and painful. Do you tell your wife that you admire her for her courage and her tenacity?

It is wonderful that you love your wife and do not plan top leave her.

Sometimes I feel my husband and I are only still together as it is convenient for us both! For many years he has said that we are just friends and that breaks my heart. We now have separate bedrooms, and he doesn't like me touching him at all.

He prefers to go away weekends with his mates instead of with me, goes to the movies and to dinner with the guys as well. Occasionally I wonder if he is gay or if he is just fed up with the marriage and can't be bothered making any changes one way or the other.

I have thought about leaving many times, but with my meagre wage I wouldn't even be able to pay rent let alone eat or pay the bills. So what is the answer? I don't know. At least you still love your wife and you have your children as well.

Arrh. Sorry for being on a bit of a downer. Life sucks sometimes and it just isn't always as easy as we would like it to be.

I might go for a walk later, that will be a nice thing to do.

Cheers for now, from Mrs. Dools