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Straight but not attracted to men?

Community Member
I'm in my 30's and have always identified as straight. Always very light heartedly questioned if I could be a lesbian or bisexual but I've only just started to take it seriously. I'm attracted to men in the sense that I want to be loved by them and in a relationship with them. But I don't think I've ever actually been sexualising turned on my a man.

I've never thought about being with another woman until recently. I used to be repulsed at the thought, but now not so much and a bit curious. I only get sexually aroused by women. Period. Now I fantasise about being with women and it turns me on. I've fantasised about being with men before but I don't think it's ever actually turned me on.

I have a boyfriend who I love to bits and want to spend the rest of my life with. Sex between us for me has never been great and now we've been together for a while I find it so hard to get in the mood. I know it's partly (or largely?) My fault because I'm too shy to tell him if what he's doing doesn't feel good, or if what he's doing does feel good. I definitely fake it a lot and have done with most guys.

I've never tried with a woman. Sometimes I have to watch girls to even get in the mood. But I haven't really thought about see with another woman outside point. I've been starting to wonder if I could though, but not yet. I don't know if it's just because society has taught me to be straight.

I know many straight women get turned on by other women, but I believe they also get turned on by men too? I don't really feel that.. am I a lesbian? Bi? What's going on? I feel bad for my boyfriend. We even watched lesbian porn together once and he said he didn't want to do it again because it was "too weird". He won't elaborate what he means but I do wonder if its because I got too turned on by the women and didn't pay him any attention. I was quite drunk though..if that makes a difference..

Gah! I definitely feel straight, but only women turn me on. It's weird. I especially don't want to ruin the best relationship I've ever had just to find out i definitely do like men.

1 Reply 1

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi welcome

We are more individuals than you think. It isnt productive to try to categorize yourself..."am I this or am I that...". You are Ayem and that is unique, one of a kind person. end!

Having said that, your journey is to try and find yourself whoever that might be and find happiness at the same time. Unfortunately one or two people are going to get hurt along the way so it is time to consider a life of full honesty with everyone. That doesnt mean you've been dishonest, it means more open and frank at the same time soft and caring. If your boyfriend cannot cope with this new woman then thats the way it is, you might still remain friends.

The other possibility is pure confusion in that if you were to pursue a lesbian relationship it might not be what you thought it was going to be. No harm done, keep searching, enjoy the search, discount the cruel sector of society that reject you.

Google this please-

Beyondblue topic you are still a jigsaw piece