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Hi! Questions about questioning and coming out

Community Member

Hi everyone

I (20/F) have been recently questioning if I am bi. Looking back on my past experiences, I realise I may have felt attraction to other girls while I was in school but I'm not sure if I am bi. I'm really confused and am hoping if anyone can share their experiences of questioning their sexuality. I don't know the right questions to ask myself so that would be a great place to start.

3 Replies 3

Community Member

Hey bettertomorrows,

Thanks for sharing on the forum, I'm glad you feel comfortable doing so 🙂

I [19/F] have also been exploring my sexuality recently and how I feel comfortable identifying. My situation is a little different because I'm attracted to women but not sure if I am lesbian/bi/pan or something else, but maybe my experience could still be helpful.

Firstly I'll say it might take a while and you might not find the right words straight away, but that is totally okay! While I'm still figuring out where I feel comfortable and what fits me, I just use "queer" or tell people I'm "not straight" because those are things I feel sure of. Saying "I'm not sure" is also totally fine.

Secondly (kinda similar to the first part) it's okay to get it wrong. If you identify as one thing for a while but then find that you don't really connect with that anymore then that's okay. Gender and sexuality are tricky things and while some people can be sure from very early on, most people need a while to get through the mess of feelings. Sometimes a really close friendship and romantic attraction can feel really similar. Go easy on yourself while you figure things out.

You don't ever have to label it at all if you really don't want to. You can let yourself be attracted to whoever you're attracted to without labelling it if you feel more comfortable doing that. That's sort of where I am at the moment. But if you want a word for what you're feeling that's totally valid too. I had someone a bit older than me who I talked to a lot and it helped, so if you know any older queer people maybe have a chat to them.

As for questions to ask yourself that's kinda tricky because it's quite a personal thing but I can throw out some suggestions. Maybe you could try to picture yourself with a woman (in whatever sense of the word you feel comfortable) and see how you feel about it? Is the way you felt about the girls you mentioned similar to the way you feel about men you've been attracted to? If not, how is it different?

Hopefully there's something sort of useful in there. Just remember that it can be kind of a 'messy' process but that's totally fine and there are so many possibilities out there once you open yourself up to them. Feel free to come back and share again or ask more questions.

All the best

Hi MidnightOil,

thank you for sharing your thoughts and experiences! You've been so so helpful and affirming and I appreciate how you've shared that it's okay to not be sure at the moment. I really relate to a close friendship and a romantic attraction feeling quite similar as that's the situation I am in now - I'm not sure if I am attracted to a good female friend, or that I just admire and respect her very much. But I will sit with this feeling and be easy with myself for being uncertain now.

Thank you so much once again MidnightOil 🙂

Hello Bettertomorrow, thanks for joining the site.

Being sexually unsure isn't any different than whether person A or person B is more attracted and suited towards you is a question that baffles us throughout life.

If we choose person B instead of A our life would be completely different and there's a chance be would be happier, we don't know, but what we do know is that we have more fun with someone the same sex or the opposite.

Girls go shopping together, while males play golf with each other for example, those they can have a laugh with, ones they cuddle and embrace with fondness, but the more you question it anxiety will start to block your feelings and cause problems, not that I'm a doctor.

You will know by the reaction of the other person, ambivalence will then develop and you will know, it doesn't matter who you are sexually, as long as you are happy.