Since the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen....

[Star_Gazer]

I'm new to the group and joined as I felt it was time to allow myself to talk openly about me within a space I feel safe. Up until this point the only people I have shared this is my psychologist and my wife.
My situation, I have been unsure of myself since I was a young teen; I have a few decades on that now.
As a young man I was very confused about my gender but knew and accepted myself as male. During this period if not for my mother I probably would not be writing this today.
Growing up feeling the way I did with an alcoholic father with very unpleasant views of individuals who did not conform to the 'normal' binary way of things was not easy. I found I had to put up barriers to push what I felt inside away so as to feel like I conformed to my fathers views.
Ironically many years later, it was discovered that my body did not produce (or at least very little) Testosterone and I had obviously been this way for a very long time. At this point in time I was started on HRT for Testosterone. Although this treatment helped with symptoms akin to chronic fatigue it did absolutely nothing to help my confusion. For some reason for years I felt I had to continue to undergo treatment so as to conform.
Approximately 1 year ago I lost my Mum to Suicide. This hit me very hard (not the topic of discussion; however) but what I found very unexpected is because I have been able to let go of the mental hold my father had over me, things I had not thought about in years are coming to the surface. I recognised very quickly that I needed help and I sort out the help of a psychologist.
I guess where I find myself is in a situation where I feel like I am in conflict with my own shell intensified by a medication I am being given to "help".
I am seeing my Endocrinologist soon to discuss my situation; my last visit it was actually recommended to consider coming off the medication soon.
I have spent a lot of time thinking about how I see 'me'; and I guess what I have come to is I have no uncertainty about my sexuality and no desire to change. Where things diverge is I see myself as very much more feminine and always have, just felt like I had to hide it. There are some physical aspects of myself I struggle to deal with.
The purpose of my post was simply to metaphorically shout from the roof tops 'this is me and I'm ok with it'.
My wife has been my rock and has been there for me and has said she always knew I was a little different.
Thanks for listening

[Sophie_M]

Hey Star-Gazer, 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue community, thank-you for joining us here. We understand it must've been very difficult to share your story with us, so we thank you for having the bravery to do so and we hope we can provide you with some advice and support. 

It sounds like you've struggled with these thoughts for quite some time and we're sorry to hear this. We can imagine these thoughts would be confusing and distressing. Although it's taken some time, it sounds like you're on a road to discovery and healing and we're really glad to hear how supportive your wife and psychologist are. If you feel you need extra support we'd recommend contacting QLife on 1800 184 527 (3pm-12am). QLife is Australia’s first nationally-oriented counselling and referral service for diverse people of all ages experiencing psychological distress, experiences of being misgendered and/or other social determinants that impact on their health and wellbeing.

Please also feel free to keep us updated here on your thread with what you are feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it - we hope that you find this to be a safe and non-judgemental space.
 

[Star_Gazer]

Thank-you.
There is only so much you can say in 2500 characters 🙂

[Aaronsis]

Hello Star_Gazer

What a beautiful story among the tragedy and heartbreak that has been apart of your life.

Congratulations, what a wonderful relief it must be for you to finally acknowledge you, to wholly you and to know who you are. Also the strength you have to come and share such a personal and emotional part of your life here with us, thank you.

I am so pleased that you have the most wonderful wife who is supporting you in your true self and supporting you to be you. What a wonderful woman to have at your side.

I would like to also express my heartfelt condolences to you for the loss of your mother, this is devastating and I am sorry you have to go through the pain that goes with her passing.

I feel privileged to have read your story tonight and to feel the joy and the freedom you have gained by freely expressing your life and acknowledging who you are here with us, thank you Star_Gazer.

I would be thrilled to know more about your story if you would like to share, that is ok if you don't want to also.

Once again I am so delighted to read the beauty in your story tonight.

Hugs

Sarah

[Star_Gazer]

Thanks Sarah,

Greatly appreciate being made welcome.

[Star_Gazer]

Well it has been an interesting month and a bit.
Since writing my initial post, I have seen my Endocrinologist and I am now in the process of weaning off the testosterone that I was being given to replace what I did not produce (I am assigned male but I don't produce testosterone). I have also been diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria and through talking with my psychologist I feel comfortable describing myself as Non-binary, Deni-Feminine.
I prefer to use term demi-feminine over Demigirl or woman as it's more about how I feel vs not wholly associating with being either a man or a woman. The description of myself may change over time the more I talk with my psychologist, but for now I feel comfortable.
I know some people feel labels are (to quote a great saying) "For jam jars". But for me I find being able to give how I feel a name gives me a point of origin.
My experience thus far with medical professionals whilst bringing up these very awkward topics has been very much with kindness and respect from them. I have experienced no judgment from either my Psychologist or Endocrinologist. The conversations have been all about what I want (or trying to figure that out),
I was very much scared to initiate the discussion, but I have realised my fears were unfounded. I feel I have been very lucky with who I found to see.
Anyway interesting times ahead.

[P0L0]

Hello Star_Gazer,

I am happy that you are learning to understand yourself and more importantly, that you are happy with who are.

I can definitely relate to you, and I'm sure many other people can too, in terms of finding yourself in a gender identity. I have been trying to understand my sexuality for a long time now to not only understand who I am, but also come to terms with it.

It is good that you have found a label that you are comfortable with and that you making your own labels too! I find labels almost restricting for me, as I want to try to be me, and not what someone else says I should be. Therefore, if i could give some advice, to not be defined by what a label says you are, but rather, you define what that label means to others.

P0L0