Sexuality

[Alex_86]

Hi, I'm sorry if this is a taboo topic; I promise it's all clean and PC.

I'm suffering from bad anxiety, have been for a long while, and one of the looming dreads is related to sexuality. Ever since I was a teen I've been waiting for sex to interest me, to have a crush on someone, to get what all the fuss is about. I never bothered to date in highschool and towards the end started to think that maybe something was wrong. In time I started to frantically hope that perhaps I was homosexual, perhaps I hadn't noticed any attraction because I'd been looking at the wrong people, you know?

But nothing. Back in the mid 2000s I found out about asexuality and I still don't know what to think. If it's real it fits what I am; and I hate that.

I feel like a broken person to not, and to never have, felt this huge drive that media tells us is integral to the human experience. I want to fix it.

I've had my hormones checked (all in working order), I grew up in a happy home that didn't demonise nor lionise sex so it's not like I grew up with strange notions. I don't have anything to pin this problem on, I don't know what to do, and it's crushing.

[Paul]

Hey Alex,

You're definitely not rambling, and if you were, that's part of expressing how you feel which is the aim on here anyway!

I wonder if your anxiety and asexuality are linked - not necessarily anxiety about sex, but that they co-exist. I'll ask my friend if he knows of a colleague near Armidale that you can see. Would that be OK?

Just so I can clarify that I understand our conversation so far - asexuality for you means not having a drive to be intimate with a woman or a man or yourself. The reason being asexual is so difficult is that it seems society builds up an expectation that it's good and something people want to do, but because you don't "want" to you're feeling like you're a broken person and a prude because it's difficult to talk about.

You're not broken. Sex is like an appetite as you eluded to before when you likened it to trying a new food. Some people have a small appetite, some people have a large appetite and some don't have an appetite. That's not broken, that's just no appetite. Societal pressure preys on people's larger appetite, sometimes it's boasting, a lot of the time it's through marketing.

You'd be surprised at how an couples rarely have sex after a few years. Nurturing, love, affection, shared experience, routine and other responsibilities take away their appetite because it's fulfilled by these loving things.

I'll talk to my friend and we'll try and find a colleague of his around your area. I hope to get back to you later today or in the morning.

Till then, take care. You're not broken. I think you're someone who is capable of love and being loved just as amazingly as anyone else.

Seeing as you have opened up and been so honest, so will I. I have depression and anxiety and they affect my sex life. Unless I have something like viagra - there's no lift off. It used to get me down and it's been an issue since I was 18 which got worse with age and medication, but I didn't start medication till I was 25. So mine's a case of a bit of appetite, no lift off. I guess that puts us in similar (not the same) boats.

Paul

[Gruffudd]

Hi Alex,

Glad you are here.

If I am honest I'm not really interested in sex and not bothered by that lack of interest. Other people seem to find that a bit of a challenge though particularly when they are interested in me.

I also live in a regional area in one of those big towns in southern NSW. What makes it different to living in the city is that the LGBTI community is so much smaller, so much so that one can know just about everyone in it. Also if you are a little different to the majority of them it can feel rather isolating.

I used to have some anxiety about not being interested in sex but on thinking about it, I had taken in the attitudes and ideas of other people rather than following what was me. I'd done that when coming out and felt that I had to do gay in a particular way and realised later that I didn't.

Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with you. I would love to meet someone who was interested in me but couldn't be bothered as such - also have quite a few other things on the wish list like them living locally, shared interests of some sort, getting along... For me there is anxiety when I meet someone that they might really want that and I will inevitably let them down.

Rob.

[Alex_86]

Hi Paul,

I'd love if you could ask your friend about it, I've pretty much resigned myself to just missing out on this whole aspect and if there's a chance to make any progress I'd love to try. It could well be that my anxiety and asexuality are linked, I mean anxiety does effect sex drive after all, it's some hope.

I know it's silly in some ways, but so much of media seems to point to sexual attraction as a sign of maturity and even humanity. I mean often they cloak it in terms of "love is what makes us human" but that love is just about always sex.

And thanks for this, it's really helping.

[Alex_86]

Hey Rob,

In all honesty I'm still hoping and praying that I might not be, that I may be able to fix this somehow. I haven't found the nerve to come out about it with my local LGBT+ group, though I go to meetings I think most assume I'm just there for the B section or something; people really don't make much known at my group. I half wish they would just to ease into speaking about it.

I hope you get through this and find someone of a similar persuasion. But I'm struggling against this right now.

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Alex,

What if you went with it and see what is possible? In everything I always want to see just how much I can do and it is usually more then I think at first. You are brave enough to be thinking about this, and if it is stressing you some help like Paul suggests might be worth a try.

Rob.

[Paul]

Hi Alex,

I spoke to my friend. We've got a few options:

He has colleagues in Byron Bay or Newcastle.

The other option is he does skype consultations. visit sexlifetherapy.com.au or call (03) 9005 5213. His name is Chris.

Please let me know your thoughts.

Paul

[Alex_86]

Hi Paul,

Thank you! I'll give him a call, I'm not sure if I'll be able to travel but it could be a goal to try to make it. Thank you for the help!

[Paul]

You're welcome Alex.

It would be awesome if you could stay in touch here with us on how things go, as you've read it really helps others in the same situation but also helps you to to keep talking about how things are going whether positive or negative and helps keep the momentum.

Please mention to Chris that you spoke to Paul on Beyond Blue Forums when you call.

Hope to chat soon.

Paul