Sexuality? I dont know...

[Just_me_again]

This is my first post. I dont really know what to do or say so I'll just start where ever.

I meet a girl in the year above me during drama elective and we started talking. We because pretty good friends after finding out we had a lot in common. Drama was shut down due to lack of intrest from other studwnts but we continued to talk. She seemed upset one day so i tried to help her out and somewhere in the conversation she told me she got a girlfriend. Now I'm trying to be happy for her and help her out but im finding it hard to talk to her without wanting to cry. I'd been thinking about my sexuality for a while and i wasnt sure. But now I'm even more confused as I didnt realise the extent of my feelings for this girl. Although ive never been in a relationship ive been interested in guys before so i thought i was straight. This girl has completely confused me and i dont know what to think. I dont have anyone to talk to as I dont have family to talk to and ive never been close enough with anyone to discuss this. The only person i could talk to is her but i dont want to cause friction in her relationship as shes been suffering bad anxiety and depression and im aware that this relationship is helping her recover. But now im left asking... what about me?? Im so happy for her and i dont want any trouble for her but what am i supposed to do? I cant pretend forever. I know i should tell someone but how can I begin to talk about this when i dont even know what i am. Im getting desperate now and really need some advise. According to her ive been getting worse. She knows im bad with coping with depressive thoughts and i usually just begin to ignore everyone and everything, leading to depressive states that can last up to a month. I need help but i dont know what to do. I would really appreciate any advise that you can give. Thank you...

[geoff]

hello and it's nice to be able to talk with you.

We all have b/friends and g/friends of the same sex, because we feel that we are close to them, so we talk about all sorts of topics, and yes I had a friend who was a male who I considered as a b/friend even though we are both straight, he was married and so was I, but now he has passed away and I am now divorced, and guys go to the pub and have a beer with their mates, and try and sort out their problems, but this doesn't determine our sexuality, just as girls talk about their concerns to each other.

If something serious was to happen to one of my mates (most are all gone due to my depression)then I would take on board what they have told me so that I could help them, and yes I could well and truly cry, but again this doesn't mean I am sexually related.

When I see my two sons I shake hands but I also kiss them, and both of them are straight, and this doesn't anything except that I love them both.

From what you have said is that you like this girl and feel sorry for her, so that's lovely for her to have someone who cares, but this doesn't mean anything about your sexual feelings, because you have said that you like males, but you can still love her.

She obviously enjoys talking with you, and she maybe able to help you, so don't push yourself to make a decision, time will tell. Geoff. x

[Paul]

Hi Time will tell,

Sexuality can be a blessing and a curse! Sometimes it's so hard to know whether we fit into this bucket or that bucket, especially when we had questions about fitting into the same sex bucket and someone comes along who really shakes things up. Aaaargh! That's enough to press anyone's depression trigger!

Luckily sexuality isn't about fitting in to buckets as there is a whole mix of liking guys or girls or both and to different degrees and for different reasons.

So. There seems to be two things happening that are the most distressing for you. The sexuality thing and your friend you have feelings for. 

It's OK not to know or not to label sexuality. It's even more than OK, it's cool. You're not restricted to fitting into one bucket or another - you can just go with the flow. I know it's a bit more than that, but just knowing that can help.

Having feelings for someone then discovering they have a partner really sucks, especially if you really like them and there are few people around to confide in. I'm glad you dropped in here though, as telling us is is really cool. The realisation that someone is taken means that our set of emotions have to change, sometimes this can be a bit like losing someone, we need to adjust. This is called grief. Even if the feelings you have for your friend are changing from the possibility of a romantic attachment to just friends - it hurts a lot and can be so similar to what I've described above.

There are some resources here about grief, in the menus at the top of the page, select "the facts" then "grief and loss"

There is also lots of info about sexuality. Again at the top of the page, select "Resources" then "for me" then "Lesbian, gay, bi trans and intersex people"

There's also a forum on here where GLBTI people or their friends or people with questions can drop in.

Perhaps at the moment, try to look after yourself physically, don't worry about a label for your sexuality, it's cool to not have a label for the moment.

Have a read of the grief section of the site and see if any of that helps - I think it will help a little with some of the emotions that come along with the changing feelings for your friend into friendship feelings.

Take care

Let us know how you're doing soon!

Paul xx

[Embracing_Tiger]

Hi Just me again,

Welcome to this space, you can ask or talk about nearly anything on here. 

Discovering that I wasn't "straight" was a really frightening and stressful time for me. I felt so isolated from everyone else - alone in a crowd. And I did develop feelings towards my best friend. And it sounds like your situation is no-good for your mental health as well. It might be beneficial to talk to a health professional (GP, counsellor, psychologist, etc) about what's going on and how it is impacting your mood. It is a lot better to get treatment earlier rather than later. 

Also there are people out there that can support you through this really tough time. There's us on these forums, of course, but there is phone counselling (beyondblue, QLife) and they also have web chat services if you don't want to talk. These services are not only for suicide (though they do also take these situations) and you can bring any situation to them. Plus they are anonymous.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but from what you have written I think that you're still at school? High school? The school counsellor can be also help you out. I have found counselling a great way to talk about things in a safe space. School counsellors are bound by confidentiality, so there is privacy protection, but there some legal exceptions. I recommend asking the counsellor to go through those details with you. Also, depending on how big your school is and how busy they are, it might be better to make an appointment. 

There are also a few organisations that cater for LGBTIQA+ youth, mainly in the capital cities, but some in regional centres. Some can offer a friendly ear, social groups and other stuff. If you want, I can recommend one in your area. 

It is okay to look after yourself first and it doesn't invalidate your feelings for your friend. I know that you don't want to negatively impact your friend's mental health which shows that you care deeply for her, but there may be some positive results, perhaps a closer friendship or the like. How do you think she would feel if she knew her friend is also same-sex attracted and had someone to talk to about it? Like they say in the airplane safety video, you should put on your oxygen mask first, before helping someone else. 

You're not alone in this. 

E.T.