Sexual or sexuality triggers

[Paul]

Do you have any sexual or sexuality triggers that send you into a depression or give you anxiety?

Paul

[Just Sara]

I joined BB to discuss mental health issues, but have never spoken about my gender identity or sexuality. Being in my 50's I have a history of failed relationships (including my marriage) and a brutal rape by who I thought was the love of my life. My last relationship was fraught with lies and rejection using emotional blackmail and physical intimacy that left me confused and extremely hurt. While having coffee with a neighbour last week, she mentioned a hook up with a man she knew. It triggered body shakes and a sense of dread; not the normal me at all.

I have identified as heterosexual, but been attracted to several women over the years. My first 'lesbian' encounter was in a dream at age 19. I have only slept with one woman who was my dear friend (heterosexual). I initiated the sexual encounter due to my feelings for her and she responded without issue. Later on she and her drunken girlfriend tried to coerce me into a threesome using inappropriate forceful touching and cornering me in a room. It hurt to know my feelings for her weren't reciprocated, but more-so that she could exhibit such abusive behaviour towards me. During a sleep-over at age 20, I felt strong feelings towards my best friend and touched her sexually during the night. She berated me and called me a filthy dyke. I loved her so much but felt like dirt.

My confusion is with being a woman feeling like a man; attracted to both sexes and a lack of confidence. These days I stay at home trying not to think about men or women. 

At my age I'm wanting security and stability, but I'm not a nun either. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I'm afraid of 'me'. I went without sex for 12 years due to my 2 yr old son being sexually abused. I couldn't trust men, and was afraid of being judged for loving a woman. My son is in his mid 20's now and I'm still trying to find someone to share my life with.

I don't know which way is up...Arthur or Martha. ​Whether I'm afraid to be a woman with a man, or afraid to be a woman with a woman. Either way, I'm afraid. 

[Paul]

Hey Dizzy@home,

I started this thread in the hope that someone like yourself would feel comfortable enough to share some issues that can be big triggers, but difficult to talk about. Thanks for opening up and sharing what seem to be some very painful things. I know it can be really difficult to do.

I'm sorry that the person who you thought was the love of your life took advantage of you in a brutal way. I wish that the scum who do those things would learn in a very painful and confronting way what it's like to be on the receiving end. I guess that would only teach these idiots after the fact. Grrrrrr.

Emotional blackmail and manipulation using physical intimacy - I just wish I could swear.

Exploring our sexuality can be frightening, especially when we are young and vulnerable and learning so many other things about ourselves. I understand how the experiences you had were really upsetting.

All of that put together and it's no wonder you're feeling the way you are 😞

I've gone through periods of feeling asexual and being scared of myself not sure what's going on, it was usually tied in with a depressive episode for me.

Again, I really understand how difficult it is at the moment still being a sexual person, but scared of it, wanting to feel loved again and not taken advantage of and also wanting to safely explore your sexuality with women as well.

I think for any sort of relationship or exploring to happen this fear that visits you has to take a hike! It's understandable that it's there because of what you've experienced - it's a self survival kind of warning bell. This kind of thing is also like the anxiety you felt when your neighbour told you about her hookup. Tough things to shift on your own.

Have you thought about talking to someone professional about everything, including your sexuality and how you feel attraction to men and women?

There are so many people who are attracted to both sexes in different percentages. I'd bet a substantial amount that those who like ONLY one sex 100% are the exception, not the rule!

What are your thoughts on chatting to a psychologist or someone similar?

Take care,

Paul

[Just Sara]

Dear Paul; I've read many of your posts since joining and they're all so sensitive and helpful. I don't talk about my sexuality much, but the 'trigger' issue reminded me of my response to my neighbour and how it confused me. I don't talk about this subject with my wonderful psychologist as there are so many other things to discuss. But reading your words of encouragement gave me something to think about. 

I've lived with PTSD for as long as I can remember but I only found out recently that it had a name. I always thought PTSD was something veteran's experienced. But being hyper-vigilant around men and destructive authority figures became so normal, I didn't know living without it existed. Maybe my attraction to women comes from this. I must admit, I act differently around women and intimacy than I do with men; more in control and relaxed. 

I had my first kiss at age 8 with a boy who I just 'clicked' with. He was as much into me as I was with him. We talked of marriage and love as we pecked each other on the lips from a wooden fence overlooking a storm water channel; so romantic. We held hands as we walked in the middle of the road ignorant of taunting children. As with my twirling and dancing around the yard as a little girl, this experience with my 'Beau' is still vivid. No fear or worry about the future; it was in the moment. My mum stopped visiting her friend in that street so we didn't see each other until high school. We'd smile and say hello as we passed in the stairwell, but that was it.

I had a friend in 6th grade and she asked me to sleep over. We stayed in the caravan out back and that night she put her radio on and did a strip tease for me. She was so free with her body and I was so ashamed of mine. I wanted to be like her. I became attached to my female friends over the years. I loved them, but I wanted more. I just didn't know how to find a girl to love me back.

I write of childhood innocence because it reminds me of times of freedom and safety. Not inside my home though, just outside those barriers. I guess in a way I'm lucky to have those memories to hold onto. There are so many bad ones. 

Anyway, the core of it is; I'm afraid of men. I push my fear aside to be with them because the only person who can protect me from bad men is another man. Ironic yes, but socially acceptable. How confused am I eh? 

Thank you yet again Paul - Dizzie

[Paul]

Hey Dizzy,

Thanks for sharing your story with me. It's so beautiful to hear of times when there is freedom of expression of our love or even our sexuality in ways that we feel comfortable and safe. Most people have - dare I say it - shades of grey to their sexuality, not 100% straight not 100% gay some 50% both, some people can express their sexuality with someone they feel safe with regardless of gender. It's awesome no matter what and no matter what "causes" it.

It reminded me of the first time I was with a man, I felt free and it didn't feel rehearsed or scripted it just... Was!

I get the feeling you had a tough time at home which affected your body image and feelings of being safe. It really sucks that PTSD even exists let alone affects us enough to cause repeated pain. I'm so sorry.

I understand your last paragraph completely. If you have a man then others will keep away and you're protected. If he's a good man then even better. It can be bloody frightening though. Difficult to trust. I'm guessing fear of PTSD triggers as well. Definitely not ironic.

By socially acceptable, do you mean that it could be a woman protecting you from other men?

Confused? Nah! It makes sense to me, it's how we protect ourselves enough to be loved and to love.

Big hugs Dizzy - thanks again for sharing your story, you're awesome. xx

Paul

[Embracing_Tiger]

Hi Dizzy@home,

You've got a lot of strength and courage to share your story with us. You've had some terrible experiences, yet you are able to carry on. You're stronger than I am, I think ...

I imagine that your experiences make sexual attraction or sexual identity complicated. I'll echo what Paul has said regarding sexuality, sexuality is a continuum, and it is totally okay to not sit within a definite box, like gay, straight or bi. And I think it is okay to not have sex for a period of time. Sex can be a very intimate act, and can be confronting. I, too, am avoiding sexual connections because of the messy place that is my mind. 

I don't know your whole story, but I speculate like Paul that you've experienced some serious trauma, and that it is impacting you quite a bit still. That is totally understandable, but I urge you to seek further support, if you haven't already. From your story, it sounds like you are a survivor of domestic and family violence. It's NOT your fault that you experienced this. You may find benefit contacting a service specialising in domestic & family violence, sexual assault and PTSD. You can get information or support 24/7 by contacting 1800RESPECT - 1800 737 732 or web chat on their site - the national sexual assault, domestic and family violence counselling service. They most likely they can refer you to local and better services. 

You and your son may find the organisation ASCA Adult Survivors of Childhood Trauma and Abuse helpful. 

Dizzy, you're such a strong person. 

 ET

[Just Sara]

Thankyou ET and Paul; both your posts bought me to tears. All I've ever wanted was my own family to treasure and be apart of. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to allow another person into my life sexually. It doesn't mean I don't want to, just that my glass is full. There is nothing that compensates for the touch of someone you love or the freedom to express the body's needs within a safe and supportive environment.

When trust is eroded through deceit and abuse over and again, fear is the logical response. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction; ergo, lots of triggers...post traumatic response.

One day out of the blue, someone may fall from the sky in a glorious silver lined cloud and sweep me off my feet. Bath me in respect and admiration and show me the true meaning of honesty and love. But before that happens, I must prepare by giving these things to myself first. Yes, self-help books 101. 

Thank you again...hope is always there...Dizzy x

[Paul]

Hey Dizzy,

I hear you about someone falling from a silver lined cloud wrapped in all the loving goodness that one could ever ask for. Thinking about that makes my loneliness almost unbearable, and when I do find someone, anxiety and depression take over. So I can sort of understand your pain - not to the extent of PTSD 😞

I guess we need to do as much as we can to be ready for when the right person does come along. Lots of psychotherapy for me, how about you?

Paul xx

[Just Sara]

Oh Paul...you're such a lovely writer. It's not often you mention your own pain. Your comment; "Thinking about that makes my loneliness almost unbearable" touched my heart. We've all been there.

That wonderful new 'In Love' feeling gives a burst of beta endorphins that puts a grin from ear to ear. Love-making solidifies it, and then the games begin. Aaahhh!!!!!!!!! Triggers!

As much as I've learned lots from psychotherapy and continue to, I gain more from self assessing and trial/error. I try hard to be intuitive, kind, honest and patient with myself so I can get to the truth. I use my anxiety as a tool to self knowledge, and in doing so have reduced my 'shakes' by 90%. Very proud of this, but I did have med's to minimise the affects to think straight.

What I've recently learned, is that love and sugar give the same 'hit' on our brain chemistry. This is so relevant to me because it helps to explain why I seemed to 'crave' my ex's hugs and kisses. It's the same as heroin in that beta endorphins give relief to pain; physical and emotional. My relationship with all things 'sweet' goes back to my infancy. I'm starting to 'get' my attachment to anything that gives my brain some of it's oh so yummy love and pain relief.

Hi, my name's Dizzy and I'm an addict! LOL!

I've found comfort in  food/love/movies/music/dancing/sex/TV/alcohol/others problems for as long as I can remember and now I'm paying the price. It seems that us poor humans have become addicted to anything that helps us avoid pain; ours and others. Then we have sleepless nights from all the stimulants, and the drug companies and marketing moguls start rubbing their hands together.

Anyway, I digress, but it is nice to talk like this. I don't have to 'edit' so others don't give that 'look'. I know you get it. I empathise with your pain, and I wish you well Paul. Your posts have become a welcome addition to my world. I also appreciate reading and replying to the thoughts of others, but for some reason I seem to gravitate to you.

Be patient and caring with yourself as I will with me. We're worth fighting for. Mwah! Thank you...much...Dizzy

[Paul]

Hello, my name's Paul and I'm an addict. (cue audience) I've been clean for at least one week, I haven't fallen in love with some random hot guy on the street and gobbled up the beta endorphin rush.

Will perform for sugar or beta endorphins, can travel.

Me too!

G'day Dizzy, Thanks so much for your beautiful thoughts. Looks like we have a bit in common when it comes to trusting men and getting lost in the chemical rushes then landing on our asses. Right now I'm attempting to enjoy being single and fill my life with meaningful things, one of the reasons I am here helping out and being part of a community, learning to sing and doing as much as I can before apathy kicks in and TV coupled with carbohydrates become my drugs of choice. 

Not having to edit our posts or our thoughts is mighty fine. I still have to a bit because I have quite the potty mouth and I fear reprimand from the moderators for swearing. Spoil my fun! (was that a moderator I just heard let out a chuckle?)

Deal - patient and caring, only if we can continue mentally preparing for the awesome moment when we bump into the love of our lives, and they are beautiful kind souls, we get that rush (ahhhhhh) and it's worth it and we know unconsciously that they are kind and loving and won't hurt us.

xxx Paul

[Just Sara]

Hey Paul; Having a bit of a downer today. My ex has been in touch with his silky smooth words. He's so helpful and I'm so bloody needy...exacerbating! Talk about addictive behaviour - I hate myself for this.

I too am trying to keep myself busy; I'm (the builders are) building a deck out back and it's coming along lov-e-ly. 

Thanks for the reply; it gave me a chuckle...He he. I'm grateful for people like yourself who go out of their way to help others. I'm concerned though I may use this forum as a means of avoiding and create an unhealthy attachment. Tears ;-( ...I live alone and don't trust enough to bare my soul or find friends (in the real world). Being extroverted has it's hazards when choosing to be alone, but more-so being emotionally unstable and alone.

In this community people don't see or hear my pain or frustration. This thread...Triggers...has power. I have so many and days like today that make me feel I've taken steps backwards, are the hardest of all. I want to feel ok with being independent and I do most of the time these days. But when the black dog arrives, it's more lonely than ever.

I've turned the TV off (multiple major triggers) and can hear kids playing outside in the warm of the evening. I haven't eaten and know I have to, but it'll be a chore putting the food in my mouth. I might go outside and watch them play.

You know; I've gotten this far because I try and focus on moving forward and staying positive. Reading my words (above) I need to take my own advice and give myself room to have a bad day now and then. Hmm...yes, I'm ok.

Much hugs...Dizzy