Not sure.

[Shifte]

I have lived a hard life where being straight was the only option. 

I suffered from sexual abuse in my young teenage years, and have been thinking maybe that's why I'm in the predicament that I'm in now? I love the smell, the look, the feel of a woman. But I am really attracted to P****. I don't like anything else about a man, other than that, but to a point where I think I might be gay? I don't even know why i'm writing this post, maybe just for some validation that there are some other people out there that are like me? I'm 41 and with my partner (woman) but am really wondering if I am with the wrong person/gender. Or maybe it does not even matter? I do love her, but s** life does not exist. 
A lot of stuff running through my head, so sorry if i'm all over the place.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'll put your relationship aside for now.

As humans in the 21st century we are, thankfully, in an era whereby you can pursue your preferences without societal persecution. Such a journey should, for the sake of your personal progression,  be carried out with a means of discovery, experimentation and heaps of conversations with like minded people in the right social settings. It shouldn't be seen by the individual as a problem that creates anxiety or alienation. Those that alienate should be discarded imo.

So whatever sexual description you end up believing you are, that where you belong- that's you, that's home. 

The one complication is your partner. Loving her as you do means you need to seek an answer for the future. Whether it's a separation or agreement depends on you both.

I wish you well and were here 24/7/365 just post and wait for someone to reply

TonyWK 

[sbella02]

Hey Shifte, 

Thank you so much for sharing your story here, and I'm sorry to hear about both your experience as a teenager, and your difficult position now. 

It is up to you to consider how you feel your sexuality should be represented. For me, I am a bisexual woman, whereby I have experienced both romantic and sexual attraction to men and women, so this was the label that I felt best represented what I feel. There's also no pressure to label your attraction, particularly if you still have questions around what different feelings may mean. It may be worth looking into the different types of attraction, as this can help you put a name to what you're feeling and decipher between labels of your sexuality that might fit. 

There are definitely others out there like you. I might disproportionately encounter more queer people because I tend to have a lot of LGBTQIA+ friends who hang out in designated queer spaces, but I've heard many stories of people with experiences similar to yourself. If you're seeking experiences and stories of people who may feel similarly, Discord and Reddit can have some really good posts and reply threads to browse through.

I would say that you could open up to your partner about how you've been feeling, but this kind of conversation can be difficult to navigate in general, particularly if your feelings are either new or confusing, or both. Either way, your relationship is something to consider within your journey of self-identity and discovery, as this is somebody that you have made a commitment to. Questioning your sexuality does not have to mean separating from your partner or that you need to explore other options at all. You don't have to necessarily connect with new people to realise that your attraction extends beyond the binary, this can be achieved in other ways (eg: research online into attraction and what different feelings mean). Consider instead if you feel fulfilled within your relationship and whether this is somebody who you see fitting in well with your future.

I hope this helps, feel free to chat more with us if you'd like, as I know this can be a very difficult topic to process on your own. We're here to support you. 

All the best, SB