Not man/woman enough ... and finding "me"

[Embracing_Tiger]

Sometimes, the thought "I'm not man enough" grates through my mind. It happened a lot more in my teenage years when I was discovering that my sexuality wasn't straight, but it still happens. It probably didn't help that I went to an all boys school. Boys weren't supposed to be attract to other boys, only girls. Boys/men are supposed to like footy. Men are supposed to be strong, stoic ... never show weakness or emotions (unless you won the grand final, but even then ...). 

I used to agonise over why I couldn't be like everyone else. I hated myself. I plunged into the deep black hole that is depression. But I couldn't let anyone know that I was drowning on dry land, real men don't do that. Why couldn't I just be normal? It would so much easier! After nearly 15 years, when I was at one my darkest times, did I admit I needed help. The fear of violating this idea of masculinity stopped me from getting help for so long.

I am me. It has been a hard journey, one that I am still on. I've had to redefine what masculinity/femininity is to me, but in moments of doubt that negative thought rattles it's cage. Sadly, sometimes I feel other gay cis-men think that I'm not man enough. I am me, and that's okay. 

Sexual, gender and intersex diverse people often find it hard to conform to the binary gender norms. How have gender norms impacted you and your mental health?

[sadgirl57]

Hi Embracing Tiger!

I say screw gender norms, they don't belong in this world. I'm genderqueer (I identify as either,or a combination of both) I've not told a soul and that's because it's even less common than the average gay/straight/bi, there are so many identities and we don't have to conform to any of them and I'm sure, it'll be scary at first, if you just didn't worry about acting a certain and just 'be' you'll be so much happier for it. Every time I even think about telling someone my heart shudders. 
When I was a kid I would refer myself to a guy and even now I have many male tendencies, I'm constantly switching between the two genders and no one knows it. Not even my boyfriend of a year and a bit, but mostly because I don't think they need to know. They can just know me and be done with it, sure they should know all of me but I don't even know all of me yet. 

I don't think you have to justify to anyone who you are. Just confidently be you and you wil be loved as you are, not by everyone, but the important people ❤️

Take care,

Sadgirl57

[Paul]

Hey Embracing Tiger,

When you describe feeling occasionally that you're not man enough, I wonder what it is you're not man enough for! I wonder if you would indulge me to describe my Dad.

He's my step dad - real men would reject another man's children wouldn't they?

He drinks beer - very masculine

He's extremely affectionate with my mum - that's not what men are supposed to be like!

He calls me "Mate" - very masculine and "Pauly Pop" - wait, what the!?

My point in describing my dad is that he's not defined by his masculinity, he's just him. There's such a broad spectrum of males who run from soft/feminine to masculine. Some males are a mix of both (my dad).

It's definitely difficult not to feel pressured to conform to "masculinity" just because we have a penis. It's even more difficult to realise that breaking the stereotype in your own mind and then wearing it like a "stuff you all" badge. Do that! As sadgirl57 said "Screw gender norms"!

 You are who you are and wherever on the gender spectrum that happens to be is beautiful no matter what. There's not a person on the planet that can say you're in the wrong spot because most of us occupy the whole spectrum. It's only a minority who hide at one end out of fear.

Paul

[Gruffudd]

Well that was a bit of a minefield, still is...

Some things came together in grade three. My grandfather taught me that to be Cymro (a Welsh Man) meant solidarity with your people - that means coal miners for him, other LGBTI people for me. From my priest I learned that the sacraments give Identity and a sacrament is an outward manifestation of an inward truth - so to be true to what is on the inside I should be proud to express myself just as I am. And I found a friend who was a tom boy (a girl who did boy stuff really well) and she taught me to be a tom girl and celebrate that. 

I have struggled a bit with the fact that I don't know how to fit into the Australian man ideal. But honestly, I'm not one, I have an identity, I'm Cymro, and I am a bit of a tom girl or boy depending on the day... 

Rob.

[Embracing_Tiger]

Thanks Sadgirl57, Paul and Rob for contributing to the conversation! I really appreciate the strength you all have, to defy the gender norms/binary and fashioning yourselves to what feels authentic for you. 

 Just being "me", whatever that may be on the spectrum of gender, is what I'm hearing. Labels can be empowering, but they are not necessary, cause sometimes gender identity can change.

It's okay to be "you". 

[Gruffudd]

So I have been thinking today about how I view other people. Are you man/woman enough for me?

 A few years back I went to TAFE and did a timber studies course, purely for aesthetic reasons. I didn't find that sweaty, swearing, overconfident thing all that manly, it served to hide their masculinity. It produced a danger/fear response in me, and real men make me feel safe with their presence. In the class there was a transman, now he was a real man. Confident and yet unassuming, muscles and charm, around him I felt encouraged to be practical too - he was totally man enough for me.