Need to feel like that im not lost in a world of hatred...

[nwalmien_naini]

Hi,

Long story short, I'm gay. This wouldn't be a problem if I didn't have very religious parents and direct families. I have never heard them speak a kind word about gay people, or even a slight tone of sympathy. I feel like a

failure to my parents. They always envisioned my five siblings and I to bring our spouse and kids along for family reunions, but I don't think they're going to be happy when I bring a boyfriend and no children. Somehow, I need to live the happy life, but most of the time I feel like that is impossible. And that's when the suicidal feelings come along. I've never attempted taking my life, but I feel like its going to be my only salvation from this pain and depression. Its as if life has set me up as a pawn on a larger battlefield, put in front of others so that they can feel more powerful. This fact taunts me so much, I've even written a song about it. Unfortunately, that song has gotten stuck in my head, and its thoughts aren't pleasant when I think about how much I am lost. I need help and love... Please...

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[nwalmien_naini]

Hi I'm back,

I sometimes feel as if I'm going to have to leave my family myself, which is not going to be an easy thing. I have a huge family (just about all of my ancestors had six kids) and they're all very dear to my heart, so it wont be easy leaving them behind. I feel as if my church life is bound into an unanswerable situation. The two principles my parents want me to live by is live in God's good sights, and be happy. I can't do one without upsetting the other, so I've chosen to live happy, because that's what's important to me.

But until the day comes that I can live in freedom, I am contained within the christian box I was born into, drinking my own tears like they are the only thing that keep me alive. I yearn to be back at school with people that know and love me for who I am.

Not an abomination, not perverted, not taken by the devil.

Honest.