MY STORY: CHRISTIAN + ASIAN + POOR RELATIONSHIP WITH FATHER = GAY..?

[Nickname_B9325C54-55DC-46]

I feel that I've hit something of a double whammy in life. I've been born into two cultures that frown heavily upon homosexuality. You see, I'm born into a fairly conservative Asian & Christian family. As a male, goals in life are generally limited to finding a well-paid job through which you can support a wife and children. You can only imagine the pressure under which I've been...

I discovered really early on that I was gay (my desires for other boys started in primary school). At the time these feelings never bothered me, thinking that I'd grow out of them. I had really really hoped that these feelings would go away, as part of puberty/growing up. But they didn't. Now at the ripe old age of 25, I am still definitely gay. None of the praying or hoping seemed to have work. Most guys my age have already dated plenty of girls with some having progressed to marriage and kids.

I'm pretty sure that many people in my life have assumed/guessed that I am gay. The signs are pretty clear. I haven't been on a single date of any kind. I haven't told a single soul about the true state of my sexuality, out of shame and embarrassment.

Methods of coping that I've tried include: alcohol and preoccupying my life with activity/obligations so that distract my mind. As a side note, I still think there is a God out there, but still have so many questions as to why I am made the way I am. I've also become a total social recluse (deleted Facebook and stopped contacting friends), because it pains me so much to see everyone in life enjoying happiness from finding 'normal' love.

Thinking about why I've turned out gay, I've got a pretty standard and typical answers: I basically have no relationship/communication with my father. I've come to realise that he was emotionally and physically abuse when I was a child. To this day, I can't even endure being in the same room as him for too long. I connect much more naturally with my mother, sister and grandmother (I have no brothers).

I want nothing more than to blend in and be normal (ie to go thru life as a heterosexual person with kids etc). The idea of being the "weird gay one" terrifies me.

I'd like to know whether anyone here has found themselves in a similar situation? How did you cope? What did you do?

[Doolhof]

Hi Ducksauce,

Welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue. I've been married for nearly 30 years so can't relate to all that you have written about being gay. I can relate to having feelings for people whom I can not be with. It is really tough when your family or society seem to dictate who you can or can not be with.

I'm sorry to read about the disconnection with your father. That must be tough. Do you have other male members of your family whom you have or can connect with?

It is really hard watching other people have the life you wished you could have yourself. I was not able to have children. It hurt like crazy to see my sisters and friends having children. I could have shut myself away, but decided to live my life as it was instead.

I believe that despite everything that happens God is still there watching over me as He is you.

I'd like to suggest that you have a read of some of the information here on this site. You can also use the phone line to chat with someone in person. They may be able to put you in touch with a group or organisation in your area for support.

Hopefully other people will connect with you here and help you out with more understanding of your situation.

Cheers for now from Mrs. Dools

[Paul]

Hi ducksauce, Welcome. I'm glad you decided to have a chat with us on the forums.

I think a lot of us who are gay can relate to how you're feeling and empathise with the situation. When I came out there was a lot of religious pondering I did. I was mostly scared of repercussions of being gay and going to hell. In terms of being gay and God's judgement, I have heard many people say that they believe everyone is born perfect in God's eyes, even gay people. We are made like this. If you really look at the bible and took it in its entirety then there are parts where it's OK to sell your daughter, the natural form of marriage is polygamy and those who eat prawns and shellfish are on the first train to hell. The strongest messages in the bible are to love, be loved and share what you can materially and immaterially. Jesus taught acceptance and love overall.

I understand the struggle inside about not wanting to be gay, it would be so much easier. Well, it might be easier, but it might be harder as well. You might have a different life as a straight person if you were born differently to who you are. To me, who you are sees to be a remarkable young man with a life of love and success ahead, I enjoyed reading the way you write.

Let's imagine for a moment that you needn't tell your parents or family you are gay and the cultural pressure isn't an issue.

What is your biggest obstacle to accepting who you are?

What has you feeling sad?

What has you feeling lonely?

(still keeping in mind that we're pretending you don't need to tell your family)

There's a number at the top and bottom of the page - a 24 hour chat line. If you need to talk to someone urgently the folks on the line are very very happy to help.

Hope to hear from you soon, I'm interested to understand your thoughts and feelings on my questions.

Take care

Paul