Maybe asexual?

[Crisocione]

I just arrived into this community and when I saw that there was a space to talk about sexuality I thought I should share.

I'm 30 years old and I've always considered myself bisexual, but I'm starting to realize that might not be true. I fell in love only once, when I was 17,with a girl I met online. We saw each other's, we were together but there was never anything sexual. What I used to feel for her was very intense, and I remember I was at least partially sexually attracted to her, but I'm not sure. At 21 I met a guy, and I had a really intense crush for him for almost two years. Nothing happened as it was a one side thing.

And that's it, that's my whole experience. The thing is, I don't seem to have any desire to be sexual with someone, and even when I find someone attractive, it's always vaguely so. I'm not even sure I'm bisexual anymore because I haven't had any feelings or crushes in almost 10 years. Is it possible to simply be nothing? I would still want a relationship, I think, but that might be because I don't want to be alone.

I'm just very confused. I still tell people in bisexual, because it's easier.

[geoff]

hi Crisocione, thanks for joining the forum and if click onto 'Who does it affect' scroll down and you'll find a section LGBTI so this might be useful for you.
To answer your other query you won't know until you have a sexual r/ship, an intimate connection with them for a few weeks or months, then you will know how you feel.
All of us can have friendships, maybe loving the person but it might not be mutual, this won't tell you what sexuality turns you on, that's why you need to have a physical connection, and once this does happen then your love for that person increases 10 fold. Geoff.

[swtpotato]

Hi Crisocione,

I think that 'intensity' of sexuality is a spectrum just the same as orientation. But knowing it is all just very complicated doesn't exactly help the confusion.

I struggle with these questions too. I strongly identified as asexual up until the beginning of the year (even aromantic) until I met someone I was immediately attracted to (I am 22). Very intense feelings from the beginning but any sexual intimacy still didn't interest me at all until quite a few months into 'dating' them. There's something called demisexual which you might relate to like I did.

Depression/anxiety can also affect these kinds of feelings without us realising, so take that into consideration too.

If you feel like you identify with the asexual label that by all means go ahead and embrace it, just also be open to it changing as you change. For I don't believe I just hadn't 'found' my sexuality until recently, I think my orientation had been asexual then, and then it changed into something else. The label helped immensely in accepting myself in my teenage years so I am grateful for that.

You might find that you want a relationship now because you don't want to be alone, but that once you enter in any kind of relationship you may want it because it is with that person specifically. You can have an intimate and fulfilling relationship without sex if you are not interested in it, you would just have to find the right person, there are plenty of them out there.

hope this helps

m

[SubduedBlues]

Hi Crisocione, welcome

There are a lot of people who have strong love and relationships, and yet do not engage in any sexual activity whatsoever. I have been lucky enough to know some of these people in my lifetime. I find them to be the most intense feeling and wonderful people about, and yet I don't feel threatened by their presence or their deep kindness and passions.

Often, these people willfully live in a consecrated lifestyle -- that is they actively choose to abstain from sexual behaviors as they believe it brings them closer to their god -- other times (and less frequent) they are everyday secular people who have no desire to engage in that activity.

IMHO you may very well be one of these people. You connect with people on a more emotional, intellectual, and/or perceptive level than you ever could on a physical level. As such, you do not need the physical engagement to feel or share love. In a way, you are lucky, you are able to experience love and relationships with multiple people, without ever being accused of cheating on one or the other.

that's what I think...
best wishes...
SB

[MsPurple]

HI Crisocione and welcome to the BB forums.

I myself identify as bisexual. I don't shout it over the rooftop or anything, but I tell my friends as I see fit.

Like swtpotato said above, sexuality is a bit of a spectrum. Also my knowledge of asexuality means you still want love and a relationship, but you may not feel sexual vibes or need for sexual intimacy. I maybe incorrect and I guess every asexual (or person in general) is different.

In terms of labels you need to identify how you feel and what feels right to you. You want to be your true self. Maybe you still want to keep the label as bisexual. Maybe you want to be considered a bisexual asexual or bisexual not necessarily interested in sex. You just need to be comfortable in yourself.

Now not sure if this would help. But maybe go on youtube and look at Ricky Dillions video on his sexuality. He made a video about him being asexual and what it means to him. He never claims to represent the whole asexual community but himself. Maybe helpful for you to hear it from someone who has been through something similar

Hope this helps. Be yourself 🙂

MP

[Starwolf]

Hi Crisocione,

Kudos for finding the courage to post about asexuality. I am asexual myself and found there is generally less understanding -and so less acceptance- of what it means than there is for other sexual inclinations. Sexuality is considered a significant part of the human psyche. Coming out with not being sexual was not for he faint-hearted for a teenager during the 70s. In our present society, a lot revolves around sexuality so not being into it is perceived as weird (abnormal) by many.

I have done a bit of research on the subject and was shocked to find out there is a vast and varied spectrum of asexuality.

Personally, I never associated it with a lack of intense feelings for another person...though it somewhat limits the scope of possible relationships. But asexuals also include aromantics. Labels don't matter. Who and what you are and feeling comfortable with it does. I too could always find both men and women attractive though not in a sexual way. I can experience sexual pleasure but never saw a big deal in those briefs moments. I am not repulsed by sex, just plain uninterested.

So there you go...just one small, individual aspect of a multi-faceted subject. You are not alone.

Good to have you on board.

[Just Sara]

Good morning Cris;

I'd like to add my thoughts to the great responses you've had from members if that's ok.

From what you've written, it seems you've never been sexually active. (?) Falling in love is indeed a special feeling. But sexual connection with another can have its up-side also. As Geoff states, love can be enhanced by sex with a loved one.

Obviously, sex doesn't have to be motivated by feelings. Encounters of this kind are for some, but for others such as yourself, your heart has priority.

At 30, abstaining from sexual activity seems to be your choice, except for the fact you have nothing to compare it with. There are issues such as confidence and fear of the unknown for instance, and also how your body works...all important aspects of your sexual desires. (Or lack thereof)

There are amazing sexual counsellors out there who can be a huge support in identifying if you are indeed a-sexual, or are just inexperienced. That's nothing to be ashamed or afraid of either, believe me.

I personally don't understand a-sexual orientation, but that doesn't mean it's not relevant or ok. It just means it's different to me. I'm bi sexual but not seeking a relationship due to a history of trauma. We all have our stories, and it's individually our right to be whoever we feel is comfortable. (At the time*) People change...and that's ok too.

The fact you're enquiring about it from others, might be a clue. Maybe you're still not sure due to social pressure? So seeking support from a professional would be a good start.

I wish you well Cris; you deserve to feel comfortable in your own skin, and also deserving of love.

Warm thoughts;

Sez