I don't know what I am.

[field_of_flowers]

I don't know what I am. But I do. I'm a 16-year-old, straight, white, privileged... girl. A girl. A girl whose wardrobe consists of mens t-shirts in the size "medium". A girl who craves to chop off her collarbone length, curly, brown hair. A girl who can understand other girls who look up to celebrities. To Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift, Emma Watson. Because the girl looks up to famous people, too. Wants to be like famous people, too. Wants to be like Cole Sprouse, Benedict Cumberbatch, Eddie Redmayne, Ezra Miller. My entire life, I have looked in the mirror, and not felt myself. I have walked around in a body, in a bubble, spaced out and wondering why. I got my first ever full-length mirror the other day. I look into it, wearing only my underwear, and realise that under the baggy t-shirt and ill-fitting jeans I do have a figure. But then I pull the jeans on, throw on whatever t-shirt mildly resembles clean, and head out to see my mates. My friends. I have three of them, my boyfriend being one. He doesn't exactly act like a 'straight guy'; but I love him, and he loves me, for whatever I am. My other two mates, both guys, not that it matters, are really chill as well. I'm glad that I have them. Because between running up to my room from the yelling, giving the last of my money to dad, looking in the mirror, seeing someone else, and then laying in bed for days… I need them.
I don't know what I am. I don't expect anyone to read this, with the exception of myself. I hope that, in a few years, I can come back and read this and say, "kid, I know what you are.". I find comfort in labels. And whether that label be "straight girl" or otherwise, I look forward to the day I can look in the mirror and smile back at my reflection, because it is MY reflection, me, and I know what I am.

[geoff]

hello Field.of.flowers, you're a 16 year old girl who is starting to develop, and please excuse me for what I say, however I get the feeling you are wondering about your sexuality. Geoff.

[Croix]

Dear Field.of.flowers~

It's good you can come here, to explain things and see other people's perspectives.

Having read your post the two things that jump out to me are firstly wanting a label, and secondly an assumption that things can be identified and labeled, and that sorts it all out. Forgive me if I'm reading more into your words than I should.

In my teenage years, like just about everyone else, there is a big process of discovery going on about myself, who I was, what I liked (and did not like), how to get on -or not - with parents and other people, and all about the whole world really. It worried me a lot, would I fit in? Would I be a success? Popular, have a girlfriend, would that be good and .. well you get the idea. (You notice study was not that high on the list:)

Point I'm trying to make is at first I wanted labels, which slot in the universe I fitted in. As time went on I got more sure of me as I discovered myself and labels meant less. I hope that sort of makes sense. An example would be finding I did indeed like girls. Finding I preferred chocolate-chip to pistachio. Now that second discovery sounds pretty trivial but I enjoyed finding out (same with sex) . An awful lot of discovery can be fun if you let it.

You have a figure, are sensible, think about things and are the sort of person that helps your dad. That's a pretty good foundation don't you think?

Croix

[sparkvark]

Hi field.of.flowers. Welcome to Beyond Blue.

If I'm understanding you correctly, it sounds like you're a bit unsure about your gender at the moment. Is that right?

If so, I feel a similar way (and if not, you can ignore all this extra rambling from me!). Feeling like I fit better with friends of the gender opposite to that I was assigned at birth. Clothes. Style. Fictional archetypes. But I'm still ok with parts of my assigned gender, and get by ok even if I don't "fit in" to anyone else's mold. I'm more than 10 years older than you, but am still discovering who I am. My label, for myself, is transmasculine. I only share it anonymously, because I feel that society isn't ready for that type of label. But otherwise I live as true to myself as I can, even as I evolve over time.

It's great that you have a boyfriend and friends who like you for you. Staying true to who you are, what you like, what you're interested in. That's the most important thing for happiness. I understand the desire for a label and maybe for a community of people with a common experience and understanding. So I hope you find one (or more!) that feel right for you in time. But in the meantime, just keep being you and you can't go wrong.

Cheers,

Spark

[MsPurple]

Hi field.of.flowers and welcome to the forums

Now I am only assuming you maybe here regarding sexuality and gender identity because that is the area of the forums you have posted in. Please forgive me if I am wrong.

Now you may not be questioning your sexuality but I thought I would share a tiny snipped of mine. When I was 16 I wasn't sure if I also liked girls, I then got a bf and thought that meant I was straight. We broke up and the question popped up again. I was going to headspace at the time and decided to talk to my therapist about it. He was really good about it. He discussed that being bisexual (or however I wanted to label or just perceive myself) is ok. He also suggested I try open up to a single person (even if online) because it would help me accept myself. I felt like that really did and I have become more confident in myself. No I haven't come out to everyone, because I do not live in my hometown anymore and I don't want to do it on facebook, but I do tell people as I see fit 🙂

Now back in the day people used to have fewer labels. You were either a boy or a girl, gay or straight. They didn't really have anything for those who may not be completely one or the other. We now know that gender and sexuality is a spectrum. You can be somewhere in the middle and consider yourself bisexual/pansexual/queer etc. You can be gender fluid, transgender,intersex or cis gender (meaning you agree with the gender you were assigned at birth).

I was 16 when I first questioned my sexuality. But it took me till I was 23 to really talk about it and to learn to accept myself. You are young. It is normal to question your sexuality/gender. It takes time to figure out ourselves. I know it is frustrating but you will get there. You say you are not happy with what you see in the mirror. When you look in the mirror do you see things you don't like? Or do you feel like something is missing? It sounds like you are not comfortable in your body. I'm not sure if this is based on body image or questioning yourself as a person, but either way I am here to offer you my support.

You also say you are 16. Headspace is a youth mental health service that deal with lots of issues from depression, anxiety, lgbt+,body image issues etc. Maybe look them up and see if this is something you may like to access.

Hope some of this has helped. Please come back to check in

MP

[Woolly_Bush]

Thank you for sharing your story - at 16 I was in a similar situation to you. It does take time and its good you have reached out to discuss it.

There are lots of different things you can turn to. Headspace is a good one and also Minus18 is something I've recently learned about. Also reddit which you may or may not know about.

It's not always easy to know at your age, but just know that you do have help and support out there.