Married with two Kids and Bi

[Cal1]

Hi there, I suppose I’m just looking for some advice, I’m also using this to vent my thoughts and feelings because I feel as though I’m going to burst.
I am 30 years old and have been married for 5 years and we have two amazing kids, a boy and a girl who are 4 and 1 years old respectively. I am Bi and I have always known this since secondary school but have been ashamed to admit it to anyone, even myself. I think the reason for not coming out was due to my upbringing, my father was violent and always made derogatory comments about gay people. I was scared. I love my wife but I feel like our relationship has grown into more of a friendship. I adore my kids and i don’t know what to do. I gathered up the courage the night before last, heart was pounding, palms were sweaty and I told my aunty via messenger. She was really supportive but this is our secret. I don’t want to break my family up. I don’t want my wife to have to go and look for work to keep up the house. I want to see my kids all the time and not see them only a couple of times per week, I love our routines. I don’t want somebody else moving in and spending more time with them than me, their dad. I don’t want to upset anyone, I feel terrible. I don’t know what to do, whether to stay this way to keep my wife a kids happy. But now that I’ve accepted who I am, I also want to explore a life with men. I’m also stupid, to make things easier for myself, I set up a fake email account and emailed my wife pretending to me some interested fella in her, she did the honest thing and told me about it. I thought is she said she wanted to meet this fictional man then I would have an excuse to leave. I have also been chatting to men on Grindr and find it addictive and fuels the fire even more. I am my wife’s third husband, she is 15 years older than me. She’s settled down, I haven’t. I want more but enjoy the family life, the routine, the smiles on my kids faces. I’m lost my job in 2016 so aim doing a PhD now and if I left I can’t afford to live anywhere else, I know it’s a selfish thought but I’d have nowhere to go, my family would not be accepting of me but I can get over that. It’s my kids and what this will do to my wife that I’m worried about. Any advice, similar experience etc would really help. Thanks for listening.

Also I’m new here and have mistakenly also put this post in the welcome and orientation part of the website and not sure how to remove it, sorry.

[Cal1]

I feel guilty about stringing her along for the next three years. Waiting until I’ve graduated to give our family a better life, only for that to be ruined. I feel like a user.

[marcus_c]

It's really hard to know what to say to you, Cal. If she has noticed that something is up, then it sounds like your anxiety is getting hard to contain. What makes you think she is worried?

[Cal1]

It’s just the way she looks at me. Since i’ve accepted who I am I’ve been more distant from her by choice, only because I don’t want to get her hopes up that we’re okay. I feel horrible, she has never come to me and give me cuddles or anything it’s always been me who goes to her but I’ve stopped doing it. I’ve stopped doing all the silly little things because I don’t want to make her feel close to me when I could potentially break her heart.

[marcus_c]

Then it sounds like her change in behaviour is a reaction to a change in yours. You mentioned before that your marriage feels like a friendship more than a reomantic relationship.

I know it's more complicated than this, but maybe think about how you would treat a friend. Things are going to be hard when the truth comes out anyway. Is there anything to be gained by creating anxiety now as well?

[Landon]

Cal,

thanks for sharing. I’ve been in the exact same position, so I come from a familiar view point. I ended a 7 year marriage and I have two children under 6. It was terribly difficult. I was also studying atm too finishing of degree for a new career. It was very tough. First of all I spoke to a LGBT friendly GP. I could hardly go to the family doctor to discuss this! He was wonderful and referred me on to a psychologist that was experienced in this field. These meetings helped me clarify what was right for me. Putting aside the emotion of hurting other people and my children for a second. To cut a long story short - I was able to clarify what I wanted in life moving forward and then we worked through the heart breaking stuff. 2 years on, its much better. I do get to see my children regularly and I play a big part in their lives. Sure, not a day goes by where I don’t think I should have been honest long ago, however, life’s indeed a journey. My wife and I love our children, sure, she was hurt for a long time and is only really now seeing that it can be ok and that life moves forward the way you both choose it too. It can be traumatic and hurtful or you can slowly work things out so not all is lost. Hope this helps - I’m about to head to work, sorry for the shortish response - happy to keep chatting or to answer more specific questions for you if you respond.

take care,

Landon

[Display2]

I feel like I'm reading exactly about myself,it's has taken me back a little ,to read someone is in the exact sam position honestly made me think more it's nice to know I'm not the only one, your words are put perfect I was going to write a post and didn't know where to start