Married, gay? Confused

[Leo8]

I’ve been married for many years and have three kids. I love my wife and children but think about being with men. I thought I could carry on as normal and deal with this but I’m finding with increasing work stress that I’m not coping with anything at the moment and I’m finding it hard to isolate what the real cause of my anxiety is.

[Only_I_know]

Hey there Leo8!

You've hit the nail on the head!

Yes, it is a very big leap into the unknown, and yes it is very scary! Though it actually isn't as scary as you think. Though you look at life from a new angle, you find it is not really any different.

It seems you are coming to some realisations about yourself, perhaps even getting some clarity. And that is good. Just take deep breaths and think things through. You ask "Is that part important?" and "am I wanting too much?".

Only you can answer the first question. For me, I always thought that it wasn't important, that what I had around me was what was important, but then it slowly ate at me from the inside, proving that it was more important - to me - than I had admitted. You should think hard about what you are not being true to yourself about, and just how important it is to you.

As for "am I wanting to much?". Just remember, it is YOUR life, you only get one. what you want for yourself - you own that. You own the right to want what you want, and have what you want. Yes, you do need to be considerate of those around you - if it impacts on them, but you should always seek and strive for the things that you want. Denying what you want, and fulfillment along with it, may only lead to resentment and worse.

So now that I've "come out", and pretty much on the road to good health, I'm about to head off overseas, to backpack around Europe for 6 months. This is something I had wanted to do for a long time. Now i'm in a position to do so. Of course, there is an impact on my loved ones. Especially my daughter who is 12 this year.

It'll be great for my confidence, self esteem, and mental health, but I had to consider the impact on her, and I also needed to consider my own health. After battling depression, and talking it through with her, I feel comfortable in going.

We have to make some big decisions in life, the way we handle these decisions only help us learn to be better versions of ourselves.

I'll be around for a few weeks yet, but then only intermittent whilst travelling. Good luck!

Daz

[Leo8]

Hi Daz. It’s very helpful hearing about your journey and listening to your thoughts on what I am going through. Admitting to how much it is eating at me from within is something I am not good at. Also thinking about me is not something I am good at. I often think I would like to do the pilgrims walk in Spain to really take the time to work it all out without any distractions. But I know this is unrealistic. I’m very happy for you that you are having a break and going to Europe. I’m envious. I am feeling more in control of things although little steps at a time. I realise that a happy and honest me is important. Thanks again for taking the time to listen to me.

[Only_I_know]

Hey Leo8

Well I'm glad that you are benefitting from talking on here. I know I did, it helped me work through all the thoughts. I understand exactly how you are feeling. So remember, it does get easier.

Admitting how much it eats at you, is the key. When you finally get there, you can truly start to take care of yourself. Until then, just be aware of what is happening - know triggers and how to cope.

Don't get me wrong, I still have "not so good days" where I feel down, alone and lost, but I've come to recognise them and I distract myself. That may be by just going to bed, or the gym, but it's important to not sit there and dwell on the negative stuff. You don't do yourself any good, nor those around you.

I don't want to make you jealous - buuuuuuut, I am actually doing the Camino walk in Spain in June or July, whilst i'm over there. I plan on walking the last 200klm or so, from a village called Ponferrada. I'm not religious in any way, so not doing it for the pilgrim point of view, rather than the opportunity to reflect and be at peace (which I guess is the same reason as a pilgrim anyway).

Keep on going to the psych, chatting out loud to someone who won't judge you, and are there to help you work through the thought process is extremely valuable. I actually had a couple of gay mates who helped me through the darkest period, along with the psych.

Really glad that you found the forums here, it's a great place to start feeling more like yourself.

cheers

Daz

[LittleMissAlice]

Hi Leo8,

Righto so I do have this really bad habit of jumping in juuuust as the chain of conversation seems to peter out, but lets go with it anyway...

Anywho I was just reading through the thread and focused on something gems said, I've personally found it really helpful to interpret sexuality as, as gems said, fluid. Its really really important that you make sure that you're not influenced to slap a label on this. Like eight said, the sexuality-dilemma-while-married thing is pretty common on the forums and one issue that happens a lot is that the new sexuality is not "compatible" with the current relationship. But obviously things aren't that black and white, and it might be helpful to consider your feelings as whatever you want them to be. Don't feel forced to name your feelings, whatever makes you happy should be the most important thing to think about in this (and most) situations.

So yeah sorry that's probably way off topic but hopefully it was at least a little helpful...

-Marie xo

[Leo8]

Hi Marie thanks for your response I know there are many threads about being married and having gay thoughts. I like your response because if I take the fluid mentality maybe the question is about being married and also feeling like I occasionally would like to be intimate with a man. The whole heterosexual marriage doesn’t really allow for this. I feel like i need to make a choice. Having never been in a homosexual relationship I’m not sure that will make me any happier. Would I then want female companionship as well? Should I just stay where I am? I know you can’t answer these questions for me but that’s what goes through my head.

[Leo8]

Hi Daz I am jealous that you are doing some of the walk. I’m not religious either but I think every now and again one needs their own space and time to simply reflect and change gear. I have tried to adopt your be positive and it does help. I have good days and not so good days. Taking control is important. I’m still no closer in figuring out what my future looks like but I’m trying to get my thoughts around being honest with myself and those around me. It would be good if there was a physical support group for married men in this position. Actually talking to someone is often better than online.

[Only_I_know]

Hey Leo8,

well you are right, online here is one thing. In front of someone is another. I definitely suggest talking to someone face to face, it helped me.

If you a close friend you can confide in without fear of judgement then that may be a good option, or of course, a psychologist. The psych helped me a great deal.

I always knew I was gay, so I never had the questions you have. I was just trapped in my beliefs. Once I got past the being trapped, it started to work out. This is where someone to talk to will help. Won't necessarily give you answers, I think only you can come to those.

Unfortunately, no group that I know of exists where you can go and chat about this sort of stuff. There are groups of course, but these are social groups and people don't necessarily want to talk about other peoples issues. Sometimes you may make a friend and one of these LGBT groups and then the more personal chats occur and people are happy to discuss things when they know you better. Which is why a good trusted friend or health professional is great.

Figuring out your future may take a bit of time, especially if you are still uncomfortable with your own thoughts and still struggling to work through them. I wouldn't rush into making rash decisions that you may regret later.

[Leo8]

Thanks