Married, gay? Confused

[Leo8]

I’ve been married for many years and have three kids. I love my wife and children but think about being with men. I thought I could carry on as normal and deal with this but I’m finding with increasing work stress that I’m not coping with anything at the moment and I’m finding it hard to isolate what the real cause of my anxiety is.

[uncut_gems]

Hello Leo, and welcome to the forums!

I just wanted to welcome you and share a few thoughts I had about your situation if that's alright with you. What you're describing– questions about your sexuality, stress at work, and anxiety, are all very common by themselves and in combination with one another can be a real burden to deal with.

I hope you don't mind if I begin by sharing a bit about myself. I am straight but my partner is bisexual, and her parents are separated because her father came to a similar conclusion about his own sexuality later in life. They still live together, are best friends, and have raised a wonderful daughter together.

My girlfriend and I met at a very experimental, "hippy" uni that encouraged critical thinking about one's sexual and gender identity. While I also have had similar thoughts (as most men do, I suspect), I ultimately came to the conclusion that while it may be some small part of my sexuality, it is not defining and not significant enough to change how I identify. While gay and straight are satisfying identities for some people, others find their sexualities much more fluid and are attracted to people of all genders, or to one more than another. Still others find this changes over time, or that suddenly the circumstances in their life are right to come to terms with with what they always knew to be true.

It goes without saying that all are valid and deserve equal respect, even if some are easier to articulate than others. All this to say that the thoughts you are having are healthy, normal, and do not necessarily mean there is a problem with your relationship or that it is based on a falsehood or mismatch. Obviously if you find yourself attracted to other men to the exclusion of women, including your wife, then that will require a different, but by no means impossible conversation.

First, address the underlying work stress as best you can by fixing your workload or the conditions that are causing you trouble– this will allow you to more clearly deal with the implications, if any, of these thoughts you're having.

Once you have some time to evaluate more clearly, you will have a better chance of getting at the real source of your anxiety. Consider seeing your GP for a referral to a counselor, someone with whom you can anonymously share these thoughts. Whatever happens, you are in a great position to better understand what's been going on with you and to get some relief from these tough feelings.

Warmly,

Gems

[eight]

keep reading the 8 in your name as like, august, and thinking to myself "ye leos are born in august" and laughing at my unfunny non sequitur

there's very old threads down in these boards telling similar stories of "i've been in this long relationship with my spouse and maybe 2.5 kids and i think i might be gay??" some of them have continued with their relationship, some of them came out and still are on good terms with their families after, some unfortunately not so good. some of them stopped posting and i still mull over the words never spoken

(maybe if i felt distracted enough i would be spieling at length about how i'm fascinated with the internet being full of ghosts, people and tales and history and chances, but i am trying very hard to fight that adhd instinct)

wouldn't your work stress be a big contributor to this anxiety? i dont know if you could afford to get extensions or changes to your conditions or a decreased load or whatever in your job right now though.

gems thoughts on seeing a counsellor could be a good idea and i do have a few helplines/services offering counselling or specialising in sexuality off the top of my head but only if you'd be open to the idea i dont want to sound like fobbing you off. i feel like i'm assuming too too much as i type but i guess from posting in here you might have an inkling those thoughts could be causing your anxiety?

i'd say you should think those suggestions through a little before doing anything too big in times like these yeah. i know you're confused enough and it might not mean much but i hope you can be alright leo

[Leo8]

Hi Gems and eight I found your posts really helpful. I grew up in a conservative neighbourhood so you were either a poof (not my words) or a bloke. There was no other way. I met my wife when I was 21 and had never really thought about men. Then when I was in my early thirties I got very drunk at a work function and went home with a male work colleague. We kissed and slept in the same bed but nothing else happened. I felt horribly confused the next day, a combination of disgust for my betrayal to my wife and actually that wasn’t too bad and maybe I enjoyed it. I felt sick for about a month and eventually told my wife. We spoke it through and stayed together. A one off silly thing. To cut a long story short I enjoy being intimate with people and are attracted to both.

Now the work issue. Work has been a nightmare and I’m finding myself wanting to cry for no apparent reason, can’t sleep at night and struggling to make myself look happy and committed. I manage a large team and find myself unable to concentrate. Im just finding everything all too much, my sexuality, work, keeping up appearances, a large mortgage. I feel like I can’t keep living a lie to everyone.

I went to my GP yesterday and he has given me a few days off although I feel like I should go back to work tomorrow and has given me the name of a psychologist. My stress is manifested by gut issues.

[eight]

god that hurts leo about where you grew up.. when you’re surrounded by that from all sides at a young age you really can’t imagine anything else. what's the technical psychological word for it as i type this i cant remember but i swear i’m going to send it off and itll immediately come back t’me. do i even need to use it

thats interesting about that fling (don’t know if theres a better word but i sure feel like i gotta find it) and how it was a point for you in realising you might like guys? some people who like men and women and everyone else sometimes call ‘emselves bi but its your choice if you want to use that or something else or not label it at all, yeah yeah. have you been thinking about it more right now, about that one-off n such? would your wife be expecting anything i wonder?

did you take those days off work, too? i’d been a bit too Not There to reply to you its been what three days. is it too early to ask about if you’ve done anything with your psych either? i feel like it but it might be a bit too forward - how are you feeling about seeing one or at all, you sound as if maybe you think a psych cant fix the gut issue-stress

[Only_I_know]

Hey there Leo8

I'm glad you came to these forums, I did about 15 months ago for similar reasons. I posted about being in my late 40's, married 20 years and 2 teenage kids. I knew I was gay all my life, but never felt that I could be myself. I suffered depression on and off for the last 20 years, the feeling of guilt/shame and not being true to myself eventually took it's toll. I almost did the unspeakable, but thankfully a good Samaritan stopped me.

I told my wife, and I was extremely fortunate. She didn't kick me to the curb or hate me. She has supported me 100%. We still love each other and are a big part of each others life, so it can work out. We've separated now, but things are good.

You've been given some great advice above, get a referral to a psychologist (I never thought I'd be one to go to a psych, but glad I did). Your GP can give you a mental health plan that means Medicare will cover part of the fees. Luckily, I was referred to a Gay Psychologist, so he understood exactly what I felt. I did go to one referred to me by my employers health care (most large employers also have an EAP, where you can get free anonymous help). This one was okay, and helped me to a certain point, but found the Gay Psych much more beneficial.

There's an LGBT+ organisation called QLife - google them. They are a peer based phone support. I called them a couple of times as well, and found talking to someone who didn't know me about what I was going through, very helpful. The chap I spoke to there was also able to put me in touch with the Gay Psych.

Even talking to people here on these forums were very helpful. I got a lot of advice, some of which I took and others that I didn't. People here are really great, we all come here for our own reasons, but everyone genuinely wants to help others.

All the best, Daz.

[eight]

addendum! addendum! qlife also has a webchat too at qlife.org.au. both services are open 3 to midnight every night

[Leo8]

Hi Daz

the good thing about these forums is you realise you are not alone with dealing with issues or having these thoughts. I had my first psychologist meeting, it was ok she spoke about being evidence based and believing in myself. Came away not feeling any better but I suppose it was about understanding each other. I’ve really tried to be upfront with my wife and share my thoughts. Not sure where this will lead us. I’m trying to stay positive and take control and not be overwhelmed by my brain thinking about everything. One step at a time. What ever happens I love being a husband and a dad. I think I’m a good dad. I’m beginning to see that people can’t be classified but should be accepted for what they are, we are all different and that’s what makes life interesting and fun.

[Only_I_know]

Hey Leo8!

apologies for not replying sooner, I have been interstate for work!

You are right, these forums are great as you do find people dealing with, or having dealt with, similar situations.

You're on the right step, keep chatting to the Psych. The first one I spoke to helped me, but he didn't really understand what I was going through and found it difficult to help me explore my thoughts. he was able to help with the negative/blame/shame etc feelings, which got me out of trouble quickly, but recognised that he wasn't able to help me work through the being gay part. I found a psych that was gay himself and he helped me immensely. he also helped my (ex)wife understand a few things too.

It sounds like you have a loving wife like I do (did - we're still good mates!) You need to keep fostering the loving open communication - answer whatever questions she asks. I guess it may also help if you know what you want going forward. I realised that although I loved my wife, and my family unit - I was not going to be able to keep going the way that I was, it would have ended up in tragedy, and my kids fatherless.

I too loved being a husband, and I still love being a dad and even though now separated, I'm still very much a big part of all of their lives.

I have no doubt that you are a good dad, it is clear by your actions (starting to take care of your own health by seeking help). It's only by getting the help to discover and understand your life that you will be able to work on a solution to ease what and how you are thinking, and how you are feeling about yourself.

I've been through all that and am coming out the other side now. My life isn't perfect all of a sudden, and never will be. And I'm okay with that. but I have clarity and comfort now. Where my life now heads is entirely up to me.

Keep being positive, try not to think about being "overwhelmed". In fact, try not to even use the negative terminology to describe how you are feeling. Recognise the triggers of when you feel not so positive and distract yourself.

You will get through it.

cheers

Daz

[Leo8]

Thanks for your message Daz. You are absolutely right I need to be better using positive language. I find that I have really good days where I take control of things and other days where I feel really down. I am sure that is normal. I haven’t been back for a second appointment yet with my physiologist but she has given me a script about how I need to believe in myself and my abilities. Although simple it does appear to be helping. It sounds like you taken control of your life and you are happy with how things have worked out, although not perfect yet. It seems like such a big leap into the unknown and that scares me. In so many ways I am happy with my life but deep down I do realise that there is a part where I am not being true to myself. Is that part that important? Am I wanting too much?