LGBT+ members - got a question - need somewhere to start - here is the place

[MsPurple]

Welcome LGBT+ members and ally to the community.

A few LGBT+ forum users have questions and concerns they can't a find a place to ask it here on the beyond blue forums so I thought starting a place for questions and more serious/heavy conversations 🙂 Here you can ask questions about anything from questioning your sexuality/gender identity, coming out concerns, dating, mental health etc. If you are an ally (an Ally is a person who considers themselves a friend to the LGBTQ+ community) you are also welcome to come here to be a support to our community and ask questions as well. This is a supportive place for people to discuss their questions and concerns, we are not a place of judgement. As Thumper from the movie Bambi said "If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all."

If you are looking for a more social and light hearted conversation might I suggest joining us on the thread under BB social/rainbow cafe. Copy and paste the link: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/let's-chat-about-anything

Feel free to introduce yourself below and ask any question/s

I thought I'd answer one common question in the intro post and this is one I have heard a lot. What do the letters mean? When referring to the community it is shortened to LGBT+ as there are more letters than just the 4. I have put some of the common ones here: Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender Transsexual Two-spirited Queer Questioning Intersex Asexual Ally Pansexual Agender Gender Queer

Welcome everyone and hope to see you around on this thread and around the BB forums

MP 🙂

[MsPurple]

HI SN

I am not the most experienced in this area. Yes I have had crushes on people who were in relationships, but for me I only struggled with it minorly. The way I dealt with it is that I would want to put myself in my crushes partners perspective. How would you feel if someone robbed you of your partner? I'd feel terrible. That's how I don't act on it. It is ok to have a crush. This is normal. It is ok and nothing to be ashamed of. Personally I think it is best not to act on it because I wouldn't want to break up someones relationship. Now my advice is obviously general and I don't completely know the situation (e.g. if that relationship is happy etc). It can be very complicated.

[startingnew]

Hi MsP

No, i wouldnt be doing anything about it, she doesnt know and neither does anyone else that i even have these feelings. but i cant switch off the emotions when im around her. im not thinking about her constantly etc its more just when i see her, it kind of brings about the feelings again. its strange i dont usually get emotions like these, so its all rather new

[MsPurple]

SN it is really normal to have these feelings for someone, even if they are not available. I would try not feel guilty by it. You can't help these feelings. It is weird having these feelings again. But it does show you, you can have feelings for someone else. Maybe it means you are ready to open up and be open to a possible relationship in the new future.

[Just Sara]

Hey SN; (Shout-out to MsP and those reading too!)

I'm wondering if this woman's the one you mentioned a while ago. As MsP says; crushes just happen so we enjoy it while it lasts. If we can't do anything about it due to circumstances, well, such is life I'm afraid.

I remember a guy at school; he was the epitome of striking good looks and had a beautiful personality too. Oh how I used to want to be near him to talk and stare at his delicious bod. Mmm...talk about butterflies; mine weighed a kilo and made me all kinds of love sick. 🙂

When he called my name and came over to talk with his big smile and gorgeous eyes, I'd melt. I haven't talked about him for a long time now; it seems like another lifetime ago. Even back then I had a sort of radar; just knowing when my feelings weren't being returned. I wasn't sad though; it was wonderful just being in his world.

'Look but don't touch' situations often occur when we're young. Our bodies, hearts and minds are developing at the speed of light in our teens. It's no wonder people challenge their sexuality.

So in your case SN, do you understand your feelings? Are they sexual? Is it fear? Butterflies in your belly tells you you're experiencing 'something' when she's mentioned. So what could it be?

Do you think you might be interested in people who're unavailable? You wouldn't be the first one you know. We can sabotage ourselves this way and not even realise it.

Have a think about those feelings, if you've felt them before under different circumstances and if there's any correlating info this time.

Other than this, it's all about learning who you are and how/why you like certain people ok. I know you; you want answers NOW damn it! Please be patient and get to know you first.

Lub, lub, lub..

Sez xo

[startingnew]

Hi MsP,
hmm hadnt thought of it that way, id been wondering if I should try and get out into the dating scene again but everytime I do that my mh drops and changes my mind 😕 so makes me think I need to do a lot more work before attempting a relationship with someone else. But it is nice to know these are 'normal' feelings, doesnt make me feel so odd...




Hi Sez,
yes she is the same one I meantioned last year. I have no intentions on ruining a marriage etc, they are just feelings in this case, they can just make me feel abit awkward due to the intensity and uncertainty of them sometimes.
I read your post at ungodly hrs but it still made me think. I really dont understand these feelings, these emotions and feelings are all foreign to me. Lol, yes you do know me quite well,ive learnt sooo much patience this past yr (perhaps not quite enough)though and no its never an overnight 'fix' I would rather take my time with these ones, I dont feel I need answers right now just not really sure what to do with them or really what they mean. 'look but dont touch' definently applys to this situation.
After having a think about your questions, I think it is her personality that I am drawn to, from what I know of her anyway since I dont see her all that often. She is kind, and gentle and more of the 'quiet type' but still outgoing yet not over bearing.
Maybe im just in the 'young and curious' stage and want more experiences but dont really know what to do e.g a relationship/encounter with another woman instead of a male.
I cant think of any other times ive had these sorts of feelings so I cant identify any patterns (like being interested in those who are unavaliable) or any other situations.
Urgh, the learning about yourself stuff is tricky!!!

Love you too xox

Thank you both for sharing experinces and advice xox

[Just Sara]

Oh SN; what an eye opener of a post. I guess from your end it doesn't seem much, but from where I'm sitting it says heaps. The subconscious is an amazing tool if we can tap into it. 🙂

There are two distinctive issues with your situation; firstly, you're still developing a sense of connection with people - a normal part of maturing. Next is the obvious; you're recovering from a period of trauma during your teens; not that long ago.

Your first instinct is to develop relationships and move onto intimacy, but the 2nd part of you leads with safety fears. The confusion about your sexuality brings yet another point to consider in this respect.

So here's the way I see it.

This woman is

1. unavailable and at a distance

2. kind, gentle and quiet

3. not overbearing and;

4. female

If you were going to pick someone completely opposite to your abuser, would these four items make the list?

If it's ok, I'd like you to jot down things about what I've written and see if anything clicks with you. Personally, I feel doing this with your psychologist instead of alone would be ideal. That way you have someone handy if you trigger. It might be an idea to have some prn with you just in case.

If you print my post out and show your psych, she'll have more to go on to give her opinion. Good luck hun. I think you're really getting the hang of writing from your gut; facts instead of emotion and pain. That's where all our best kept secrets are...

Love Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

Hi Sez, well.. i am glad that post was ok, was worried none of it was really making sense. Progress=good 🙂 .

i done as you said with writing down notes and rereading what you said. Yep, that list is exactly the opposite to the characteristics of my abuser except unavaliable (he wasnt single).. its been sitting with me all day, theres always something more to your posts then what meets the eye but i havent worked it out yet. it isnt clicking, ill have to just let it sit for abit and see if it comes to me.

Currently no psych, and definently not for that trauma, id rather leave it in the past and move forward (i wont get into that here) No one really knows im questioning sexuality either. All part of the fun and games maturing huh!

[Just Sara]

Hi again lovely;

Being unavailable has to do with the present as does everything else on the list; not the past. (You only use what happened in the past to gain insight about now)

You're searching for someone to love. Being unable to leave 'her' relationship fits in with what you're 'not' telling others about questioning your sexuality, and also that you have control of the situation. (Even if it doesn't feel like it)

It's about physical safety and emotional security, not sex. If it was about sex you would've already found someone to go off with and never see them again. That's another form of safety if you think about it; no ties, no hassles and full control of who and when.

In your case though, physical intimacy's last on your list of to-do's right? So one night stands aren't going to be attractive due to the unknown.

If you look at every angle of what 'she' represents to you in the here and now, she fits the bill to cover all the list above, especially not being available for physical intimacy. In essence hun, she's really 'SAFE'. Longing for someone at a distance is so much easier than dealing with the real thing.

At this point it probably won't resonate with you consciously, so please don't try and analyse it till it's all silly in your head. I've said in the past that there are things that need to be put 'in my pocket' until I'm ready to cope with and understand them properly ok.

One day out of the blue, the penny drops. Those ah-ha moments are gold and so huge you never forget the lessons they represent.

I sort of didn't want to do it all for you, but I forget how young and frazzled you are from everything. I hope this helps you sort the forest from the trees, if not that's ok too. Time is your friend...

Love you;

Sez xoxo

[startingnew]

You literally just put my thoughts into words!! I was at the horses and i obviously wasnt foccused on what i was doing because it clicked (and also run into a pole at the same time lol) . I am pretty sure it is those safe feelings, its almost like the look but dont touch scenario- i can allow those feelings but i dont have to act on them so the control side of things are there too. Youve gone out of the box though so to speak as i didnt see it the way you have. That isnt a bad thing at all, I resonate with all of what you said. I had the thoughts of safey in my mind but wasnt getting much further than that so to read your words it has made the rest of the thoughts fall into place. Your right, the ah-ha moments are so good- like another piece of the puzzle has been put into place.

Longing for someone at a distance is so much easier than dealing with the real thing. -the real thing is scary and foreign, one step at a time. Some things just need to fall into place first and also in their own time- usually unexpected. Physical Intimacy is on the list but it isnt right at the top, relationships usually lead to that sort of thing but i dont have to go at the speed of light either.

You and MsP are right in the sense that perhaps i need to learn more about 'me' first, i thought i knew me well but i think i dont know myself as well as i mightve thought. It is also really good to know these are normal things (emotions, wants, thoughts) to be experiencing too.

Thank you so much for helping me (and you too MsP), it makes alot more sense and while it will take time to become more aware esp surrounding these feelings and also connections to its not as confusing and scary as what it was.

Love you

BW xoxoxox

[Chloe_M]

Hi everyone,

You may know me from elsewhere in the forums, but this is my first time posting and even reading this area...

I am currently (and have been for a while) questioning my sexuality. I do identify myself as straight (at the moment), and I am an 'ally', but I have noticed for a while that I am attracted to girls.

I have never had a 'crush' on a girl, but often when I am out I see girls and I notice their appearance. I know you're probably thinking that its normal to notice people's appearances, but I find myself thinking about them long after everyone else would have forgotten.

I also get along very well with boys... my best friend is a guy and I am very close to all the other boys. I also admit I do think about kissing girls often...

I am not scared of this and not scared of being LGBTQI, and I am not ashamed at all as well. However, my best friend thinks its 'wrong' to identify as a gender other than male/female. I'm not sure how he would react and how that would affect our relationship if I do indeed find myself developing crushes on girls and eventually identifying as bisexual/pansexual etc.

Thank you for listening, I know this isn't a problem or anything major, I just needed to tell someone and needed some advice etc.

x Chloe