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[SwansFan]

Anyone feel dissatisfied with the whole gay/straight dichotomy? Ever since I "came out" -- something I still can't even say without the air quotes -- I haven't felt any real reassurance or comfort. I thought once people came out, it got a lot easier for them. But I still feel confused. I don't feel a connection at all to the gay community. I have no gay friends. I know I'm more gay than I am straight. But then again, I don't necessarily want to be with a dude. I don't particularly see myself with anyone to be honest. I'd say I'm asexual but that doesn't feel right either. I know labels aren't the best thing -- you are who you are and all that -- but sometimes I wish one applied to me.... 

[Paul]

Welcome back mate,

If I read your message from the bottom to the top, I see the following. "I get the feeling that not feeling overly sexual, not seeing yourself with someone, no gay friends, no connection to the gay community, confused, no reassurance about coming out."

It makes sense that you'd be feeling some confusion, perhaps disillusionment and a disconnection because of not seeing yourself with anyone (romantic attachment) and not necessarily wanting to be with a dude (sex) - very classic things that people measure "gay" with. Of course there are other elements to defining ourselves as gay, but those I mentioned are usually the big ones.

You mention wishing a label applied to you, I can understand that, it's important to know who we are, especially if we're going to let the world know.

I get a sense of numbness from your message, like there's been a lot of things happen and a lot of emotion then once the foot is off the accelerator, emotions have said "OK time to take a break" What are your thoughts on this?

Have you thought about having a chat to a counsellor or psychologist?

Lastly, there's no pressure to be anything really - except to be yourself, label or not. I'm assuming that you came out because know you like the same sex, you don't have to feel like doing anything until you are ready or at all. It's up to you to go with your own flow.

Paul

[SwansFan]

Hi Paul,

Thanks (again) for your kind words. 

I have spoken to a psychologist, though not for a while and not a whole lot about my feelings re my sexuality. Might be a good idea to reconnect with them soon.

I guess I am a little numb, yeah. I'm very closed off too. I've only ever loved one person and it was completely unrequited and I think ever since then I shut down a lot. I probably use that as an excuse not to open myself up any more. Then again, he was the only person I've ever felt that way about and there's been no one since, so I guess I feel like Well, that was my one shot/chance and it's not gonna happen again...

I think I fear not giving it a go, more than anything. Not giving myself the chance. It's not that I'm desperate to rush into anything right at this moment, but I worry that I won't ever allow myself to explore things in future...

Anywho, thanks for listening. Really appreciated your response 🙂

James

[Paul]

Hey James

It's my pleasure to be able to help. Sing out any time.

Fear of allowing ourselves to be vulnerable and try things that come with a risk of getting hurt can be quite a disincentive. It can be enough to make us numb so we don't try and don't get hurt anyway. Bit like a closed circle really.

Maybe a visit to your Psychologist and a good honest chat about absolutely everything would help. Sexuality included. I've found that I get the most out of my psych visits when I don't hold back. Nothing shocks or embarrasses him (I've tried!). 

Love that isn't returned can hurt like all hell, especially if it is a first love and we know it really is full on L O V E. I hear you on that - and I can understand it's powerful enough to topple our trust in our hearts.

Here's a short bit of my story that will hopefully show what i'm on about.

My father left me when I was 4. I remember the day vividly. I blamed myself. At 4 our father is everything to us. Him leaving broke my trust in loving someone without them abandoning me and it being my fault. This now carries over into adult relationships. The same pattern. If I'm in a relationship I want to throw up with anxiety. I look for ways to end it so I don't have to endure the pain of being abandoned and blaming myself. When I'm over the anxiety part, depression comes and goes because of wondering if the person I am with is right for me.

I have had some amazing times in relationships, travelled the world many times, learnt a lot had fun. It's not until at 37 I said enough is enough and got proper help to learn about myself.

So, it can hurt to love, and it can hurt to not love. Which one provides the best reward? It might be worth exploring when you feel ready.

Paul x

[Clare1]

Dear SwansFan,

You know how successful Spotlight stores are? I once went to an event where the guy who started it spoke about how he made it work...

He made every employee a shareholder in the company, everybody had a say in how things could be done, regular staff meetings, etc etc...all that.

And he told all the staff that they could choose their own title. I went there one day, and this nice woman asked me if she could help me. I noticed that she was wearing a badge that said "Mary...Supreme Commander"

When I read your post, I thought to myself "Why do we all feel it necessary to belong to one established category or another? It's not like we're books on a shelf, or different breeds of cats, or kinds of apples. Why can't we just be ourselves, one-of-a-kind, unique?"

Maybe we could choose our own labels. We could have a badge, saying "I am me!"

When I was in the process of changing my gender preference (male towards female) I at first wished to go from man to woman. At some stage I realised I could not become a woman...I have wide shoulders, big hands and feet, and male genitals. So I changed my tune, and now I see myself as changing from my old pretend male self to my new real self...I don't have to be a man, woman, hetero/homo/gay/lesbian/whatever. I can just be me.

Maybe you could just be you, a wonderful spirit living within the beautiful colourful spectrum of humanity.

I hope that helps a little bit,

Clare

[Embracing_Tiger]

Go the SWANNIES!!!

I get what you mean about not relating to any particular group or label. If people ask, I say that I'm a gay cis-male, but sometimes I don't feel 100% gay or male. It can be exhausting and annoying to constantly correct or explain who I am. I don't know what gay culture is ... though sometimes I find it feels nice to belong to a "tribe". But on occasion I do find labels can sometimes be empowering, but also sometimes limiting, labels can change for a person, and they can mean different things for different people. 

But I have learnt some of the other letters in the spectrum of the LGBTIQA+ alphabet soup. Genderqueer, pansexual, asexual, straight ... Which one feels right for you at the moment, if at all? What does it mean for you? As Kate Bernstein said " ... gender [and sexuality] are not sane. It's not sane to call a rainbow black and white."

I think a lot of people have that fear/insecurity of relationships. I fear that any relationship will prove that I really am worthless. I have found that working on other areas of my life, or small acts or habits, improve my general sense of self-worth. I smile and say "thank you" to the barista when I get a coffee. I think that even these small acts have worth. 

Identity politics is an interest of mine, so happy to chat more. 

Be well, rainbow child!

[Gruffudd]

Hi there,

Many times I have heard people say, Labels are for soup cans. They are useful to give an idea of what might be inside. Problem though, I don't fit the labels either, can't figure out if gay, genderqueer, ace... is right. Plenty of the ways of being gay community are not for me either. Thinking back I find relationships happen at times and at other times nothing happens at all. It always seems someone turns up from out of nowhere after I have given up on things, so you just never know...

Rob.