In love with someone in love with another.

[Ads1969]

Im a gay male. I met this guy in May and he was loving and sexual. Till I told him I had feelings towards him and then he stopped, saying it was too soon. He won't visit my place either as he's afraid that something sexually will happen between us (Yes he has admitted that to me)
He's still in love with his ex in the UK, (who now lives in a different city and has a boyfriend of his own.) He is going back again soon for a short time to see if he can get back together, but I’m not sure if that is going to happen or not because of the aforementioned. I will know when he gets back to Australia.

We still see each other from time to time socially, and have a great time, have similar interests and we just seemed to "click"
I know he is seeing other men socially and sexually in the mean time and this makes me upset and jealous, and worthless, as he seems to be afraid of getting intimate with me anymore. (I think deep down he may also have the same feelings for me?) As far as I know I have a few options but have no idea which way to turn.

I have a few options,

1. Tell him how much I am in love with him and my true feelings
2. Tell him I can't see him anymore, and break off all contact is its upsetting me.
3. Continue as friends as I have been doing and wait till he comes back from the UK. Ask him then what he wants to do then.
4. Forget about love and just be friends only with him.

My mind is all mixed up and have days where I am quite accepting of the situation and can continue as normal. And other days where I just want to cry all day. Thankfully, so far I've been strong enough not to phone or message him when Im feeling that emotional.

[white knight]

Hi ads, welcome

Good on you being strong and not ringing.

Im concerned he could be having you as a reserve, if other relationships dont work out, he always has you left waiting for him.

As g or the four alternatives I'd discount number 4 but go with 1,2,3 conbined and seek other pursuits, date others etc. I dont know but he doesnt seem the dedicated type..

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TonyWK

[Mathy]

Hello Ads1969 and welcome to B 🙂

I am a member of the LGBTI community too, not that these sorts of issues are solely our problem 🙂

Firstly, the guy you met seems to have a good moral sense - by that I mean, when you divulged that you wanted to be serious, he stopped being intimate with you, because he still has feelings for his ex. Which I interpret as meaning he doesn’t want to commit. Meaning he is having sexual relationships for fun, with men who just want to have fun.

Might I ask how old you are?

Option #1 - not going to be helpful.

Option #2 - would be denying yourself a possible friendship and lover - patience is key.

Option #3 - is a possibility, if you’re then able to move to Option 4.

Option #4 - is also a possibility, good friends are hard to find.

Given that he’s going to the UK, you’ll have some space. Be careful of denying yourself other opportunities for love or friendship because you’re currently only engaged with this issue.

There is a thread for LBGTI members. If you google “Transcendent Rainbow Cafe - you’ll be lead straight to it.

I would like to hear what you decide, best Mathy 😊

[Ads1969]

Im in my late 40's

[Ads1969]

Update.. he's normally very quiet on Facebook but today he posted at a restaurant/bar "Date Lunch". Im now confused and upset and can hardly breathe. I feel like I need some answers, need to talk to him and find out whats going on. Like right now. But Im also scared to do so at the moment. I won't be able to sleep well or function well tomorrow I know.

[Empathic]

Hi Ads1969

It's a tough choice when you're faced with a dilemma like this! Having "been there, done that" I have to advise you to walk away. This guy obviously doesn't want to commit but seems to be ok with playing the field while he waits on his ex. Sorry, but you are worth more than that! Find yourself someone who falls for YOU alone and not just because you're the back up plan.

Whatever your choice, I hope you find happiness and love.

[Paullus]

This is also a self esteem issue for you. You are willing to compromise yourself for this person who obviously doesn't have the same intense feelings for you. The most worthwhile relationship is the one you have with yourself first and foremost. Only then will you make choices that sit comfortably with you. Low self esteem makes you give yourself away to the whims of others. Work on yourself first. Good luck.