I'm gay and I can't deal with it anymore

[Sam132]

Hi I about 6 months ago I came out for the first time to a good friend. It's went really well and he has supported me through this and help me tell others. But some days I feel like I want back in the closet. It's not because people take it badly it's just the thought of never being "normal" and having a family and kids is killing me on the inside. When my friends talk about girls I feel so empty and sad that I will never be able to feel what they are, and that I can't let my emotions out to them without a awkward stigma in the room. I've had a crush on my best friend for years now and this is probably one of the hardest things ive had to deal with. He knows I do because I told him when I was drunk. He doesn't seem to mind and thinks it's kind of funny but it just kills me inside know that I can never have a relationship with him. Most days I just sit there wishing I was normal and it's really effecting my grades, I barley do any work in class and I have no direction in life. I don't know what to do i could talk to someone but im horrible with talking about that stuff face to face I can never get the words out. thought I'd try out this forum because I know I'm not the only one and I just want to talk about it but it's impossible for me to do it face to face.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Sam, welcome, and happy to listen...

All those uncomfortable things that you talk about there I have felt my own version of at some time. At other times I have seen possibilities.

You seem totally normal. I still have crushes on straight friends and tell them when I'm drunk.

So what about the other stuff. Well, more and more, people like us are having children and living that life. I did just that with my ex. It is true that it had its awkward moments living in a small army town at the time, but I would do it all again.

There are groups to break up that isolation for young people in every state - when you are ready. Best thing I ever did when I was 17. With education, I'd say it is worth getting into it again if you can. You do have a future and things will get better. I noticed you can imagine a family and kids, keep imagining because if you want it, it is possible even if a little different. Normal can be your normal - it doesn't require you to be the same.

Rob.

[bear_cub1]

Hi sam. I had this same problem too and still feel the same sometimes. I hid my sexuality for years and tried to change it because in my family and town it was right up there with one of the worst things you could do. But I got to a point where i couldn't fight it any more and come to the realisation that I couldn't change it and that if i was to be happy in life i had to accept it and move on.

It's a hard thing to do but telling some people is a great start. Well done for taking that jump because as most know here, it's not easy at all. There is downfalls with being gay but there is also a lot of benefits. I think being with another guy is just more simple some times. It's like falling in love with your best mate to be honest 🙂

Also the drama with liking your friends a bit too much. It happens man. It's a problem for me because i go for straighter guys and the manly ones are my fave aha. So yes there has been times when you lust over a mate but move on. I think ask them straight out if there is signs there or just move on. After a while they go back to being just mates again. As you know it won't work so why bother yourself. You can't help feelings I know but you can manage them. Try not to think of them in a sexual way, make sure they keep there shirt on lol, try to hang out with them in a group because being alone together is just a way to catch feelings.

It is a hard thing to deal with but hang in there. There is plenty of people willing to help you though it if you need someone. Try to accept it and just be yourself. Also a good tip for 'coming out'...hate that saying but any way lol, Try not to be all dramatic about it because that tells the person you aren't comfortable with it or that it's something to hide. Don't say it's a secret or any thing like that. You're gay.... yay! but just be confident about it. You also don't need to directly say i'm gay. Drop some hints, say you have a crush on a guy and just get a convo started and let it flow.

Try and be happy with it. Things do get better 🙂

[geoff]

hi Sam, this post has interested me, because who can define what 'normal' is, because those who think they know are only being unrealistic and living in a false world, and that's why all of us have different ideas.
We all think what a normal life would feel like, but there are far too many variations in how we think, and because you're gay doesn't mean you can't raise a family, because you can if that's what you want to do.
I have had male friends come up to me and say they really like me, and if that's how they feel then why not, evening knowing it wouldn't happen, but I'm delighted at all the cross section of people who are attracted towards me.
Don't cramp yourself up in life, relax and enjoy what you have going for yourself and never feel ashamed of how you feel, because when you do it just complicates your life. Geoff.

[Paul]

Hi Sam,

I wonder we replaced the term "normal" with "natural" and then asked the questions you ask of yourself.

Why isn't my life natural? (It is, isn't it?)

I want to have a family and kids (It's natural isn't it?)

I look at women and look at my straight friends and see what they have (It's natural to love and be loved, to lust and be lusted after)

As another gay man I can tell you that all of the things you want to make your life a natural life ARE natural and are achievable.

Ellen DeGeneres - has a family and kids

Neil Patrick-Harris - has a family and kids

What is it you fear the most about being gay?

You mentioned your best friend who is straight and you have a crush on. Should we call it out and say you love him or could be in love with him because to be in that situation REALLY HURTS. I know it does, it's even enough to not want those feelings anymore, and to not want to be gay so it never happened in the first place. It's enough to even make a wish to be normal (straight?) so the feelings go away and the attraction goes away too.

I bet your best friend is an amazing guy who's got your back and you can obviously tell anything to and I also bet you find him attractive. These things are what help us fall in love with someone. Not being able to be with that person really sucks. I can promise you that there will be someone out there who you will fall in love with who you will have beautiful feelings for who has you back and is attractive and is able to return all the love you give. That's a promise. It's just that your best friend can't return everything you want to give. There's some things you can do in your mind that can help you through a bit of a transformation from wanting him as a lover and keeping him as a friend.

He isn't right for you because he can't return what you have to give - so when you have feelings of wanting to be with him or imagining a life together or anything that isn't a regular friendship, in your mind say "He isn't mine, he isn't right for me because he can't return what I have to give"

You may go through periods where you are angry or make excuses about saying that or even that he might want you for a bit, but keep saying that phrase in your mind when you feel the attraction. After a while you might even feel a bit depressed this is normal but if it lasts for more than 2 or 3 weeks and gets bad, please talk to someone or call the beyond blue help line.

[Paul]

... Continued

Sam these feelings are natural as well. having a crush on someone who you care for a lot is natural. Here's a secret that not many people know. Straight guys get crushes on other straight guys without telling anyone! Straight women get crushes on other straight women.

You seem like a great kind of guy Sam. The thing that is happening, happens whether you are straight or gay or bi. The emotions of attraction, lust, love, friendship, regret, longing and need to escape are so very natural. The pain that comes with some of the emotions is also natural.

As loving humans, the best thing we can do to navigate these emotions is to name them in our mind when they occur and accept that there's no off switch. There is a way to manage them though and in the case that we're talking about here taming the love you have for your best friend is the best way to stay happy and keep your friendship.

Please try the exercise above (in the pervious post) and stay in touch.

Beyond blue support line numbers are at the top and bottom of the web pages.

Take care Sam, I know it hurts, things will get better. x

Paul

[ElisaP]

Hi Sam,

Maybe you could consider a support group. Even just listen to others' feelings could help you with your own.If you could get a look into peoples' lives to see what is really going, you might laugh a little, in a gentle kind of way but a "Oh, wow! I had no idea!" kind of a way.

None of us are normal! The rainbow flag is really everyone's flag. (I believe it in fact is!! but people just don't have the insight to know this yet ...the more they open to LGBTQI, the more they allow for their own non-normal nature which is their true nature: no one is normal, in our real form we are no thing in particular and are everything. Parts of everyone are in every one)

I think maybe it is that you are mourning over loss of an idea about who you thought you could be/ needed to be. ...But so much of what we think we should be in this world is an illusion: so much turns to ash!! Everything from getting that "perfect marriage", having that "perfect career" ...all of this status stuff: even those who 'make it' may discover that it's not 'all that' or that they lost, or never found, their true happiness and worth because it was never contained within this ideal that they went after; maybe they're a dick, or maybe they remain without much soul or compassion (my siblings!).

People used to see misfortune in terms of a spiritual opportunity. I think today society in general has its head up its butt and lacks spirituality.

Life will give you so many of these upheavals. Being gay is just one of them - maybe tougher than most, but from what you've stated about your support network, probably not the toughest one you will come across... (just letting you know).

I don't mean to sound like I am trivializing what you are going through. I know that it is still tough. ...I gave up my attachments to society's ideas on gender/sexuality in my early twenties: it was very difficult to do to say the least. Actually very scary at times. ...And yet, once I did it: it was amazing! I never felt so strong or so wonderful. Like creating my self in my own image, and not according to what I was told I should be! -Lots of people talk about this, but how many actually DO it -?!! That's cos its effn hard -but it's effn very worth it too. And no matter whether you are straight or gay, you still have the same ultimate option: Do you follow society's dictates as to who you are? Or do you make yourself according to your own ideas about who you are?

That is really where it is at.

[Sonz88]

Hi Sam,

I came out over 14 years ago and reading your post brought back so many memories for me. I’m sorry to hear things are so rough for you at the moment. The most important thing I think I can tell you right now is this : it will get easier with time.

i remember so desperately wanting to feel ‘normal’ when I realised I was gay and feeling like I was ‘broken’ for being this way. I also wanted a life with children and I felt like if I could just be interested in men all my problems would go away and my life would just be so much easier. I slept with a lot of men even though I had no feelings for them because I just kept hoping that something inside me would click and I would feel what I was supposed to, but I never did. I just felt even more upset and disgusted with myself.

as far as the being in love with your straight best friend it sucks, and as much as it hurts it is unfortunately a right of passage for all gay people. We all have our stories of the straight girl/guy/best friend we fell in love with who just never returned our feelings and broke our hearts. While I know it hurts right now, one day you will find someone who loves you back and it will be the most wonderful feeling in the world. You may even find yourself feeling happy that you are gay because if you weren’t you wouldn’t be with the person you’re with and you can’t imagine life without them.

as for the really wanting a family thing, I know this must be a really difficult one. I struggled with it too, though as a lesbian I obviously had things a bit easier than you. Still, if having a family is something you really want in life then you still have many ways of having that happen. Whether it be donating to a lesbian couple who wish to co-parent with you, surrogacy, adoption, foster care etc you have options. Yes your path to parenthood will be harder than most, but if you set your mind to it you will achieve it.

I know realising you’re gay can be a very lonely and isolating experience. When you’re ready try and find others in your community that you can talk to, whether it be on a forum like this one, or through an organisation which runs events for the queer community etc.

good luck my friend, and please remember that while it may feel incredibly hard now and the phrase ‘it gets better’ sounds like a cliche, it is true. Hang in there, you have a wonderful life and future awaiting you.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Sonz88 and ElizaP;

What caring and beautiful responses! You both epitomise LGBTI trials and tribulations of coming to terms with 'self'.

My story reflects some of your own (especially loving best friend) which indeed is true for most as you say. Your gifts of words are a pleasure to read, and serves as a reminder of how much support is abound on our forum.

Thankyou...

It'd be wonderful if you both could drop in now and then to 'give' of your sensitivity and grace if that's ok. I for one would be extremely grateful knowing there's people like you to turn to. (And help if need be)

You provide hope and faith...that's awesome!

Kind regards...

Sez (Hugs)