I think its time I outed myself...

[Joe_Black1]

Hi All,

i have come to a realisation today, after reading an article about Gender reassignment surgery that my self-hatred stems from my wish that I was a woman. From as early in my life as I can remember, I've always wanted to be a female and now I'm 41.... I'm so caught up in family/ career/ mortgage that I am trapped. 

I can't destroy my family just to serve my own self-interests, can I? I've realised i am bisexual, loving the person/ personality rather than the sex of the person. I'm scared, and this forum is the first time I've ever mentioned my feminine orientation. I've never spoken to anyone about it before. I believe being trapped in a mans body is what has caused all jay depression and anxiety over the part 30 years.

What to do???

My depression is gaining strength, but I cannot destroy my family. I have had very dark thoughts of self harm for the past few weeks and I cannot afford psychological help anymore. please help,

thank you


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[AGrace]

Hi jezz,

Well done, I'm sure that must have been a difficult post to write. Thanks for putting trust in us to listen and support you. 

Are you already seeing a Psychiatrist/Psychologist? It would be good to speak with them about your thoughts and feelings. It must be hard and confusing to feel the way you do. 

I guess if you're in a relationship being bisexual isn't really a huge concern, as long as you love your partner and want to be with her. I think it's something you could raise with her, especially if you have no intention of exploring the possibility of being with a man. Many of my friends are bisexual, so I do understand that being bisexual doesn't mean that you would prefer to be with one sex over the other, only in choosing your partner your heart and mind don't discriminate against gender.

With regards to your desire to be female, I think this is something you will want to think long and hard about (not implying you haven't over the past 41 yrs). What will the benefits be? What will the consequences be? How willing are you to go through the consequences? Do the benefits outweigh the costs? This is your life, and so ultimately it's your choice. Will you regret spending the rest of your life as a male?

I hope this has given you some things to consider, I also want you to feel comfortable to continue posting your thoughts. 

AGrace

[justinok]

Hi Jezz, this is a major realisation to come to and it's totally understandable that you are feeling worried about what this may do to your family.  I just wanted to say that you are not alone and there are lots of people who have 'made the change' even at your age and later, and when there is a family in the mix as well.  

I have trans mates and living with the feeling that you are in the wrong body and can't identify the way you want is a big source of depression. It's something that is very hard for those of us who haven't experienced it to understand.

[justinok]

Jezz another thought, look up 'Australian Story Call me Cate' on Youtube. I saw it a few months back, it's an amazing story and I think you'll really identify with it.

[white knight]

Hi J,  welcome

AGrace is always full of good advice. It seems to release me to tell a story.

It was 1978 and I was 22. I was the youngest prison officer ever recruited at Pentridge Gaol. I was in an on and off again relationship with a lovely lady. I was in love but every week she left me then returned. She had mental illness issues. I was lost. That was until I got the advice of 4 inmates that took it upon themselves to "counsel" me when I was on night shift. The 4 amigoes lol had a mesh door unlike other prisoners and I'd walk by the door to hear their questions.  "Darling, what's news with the pretty one now"? We'd talk for a few hours.

Needless to say I got all the advice I needed from both sides of the sexes!!  And it helped. Even more importantly I grew to admire these people and respect them.

I'm happily married. I often remark to my wife that men can be brutal, unkind and confronting. If gay guys or other men of differing sexuality came into my life I'd embrace their friendship more eagerly. For I love their genuinity.

My advice anyway, is to firstly break the news to your family. Be brave. You might have to expect the worst. But it will serve you peace of mind. A load off your mind actually. Then if they reject you or cause you problems that lead to your relationship being untenable then that is their problem not yours. Please let that sink in. You have to grab that reality. It's not your fault and you are WONDERFUL.

Go from there.  regards.  WK

[Joe_Black1]

Wow guys, I'm shaking!!

thank you for your very thought-provoking comments. I need to think things over even more with these questions and advice in my mind. It's not like I haven't thought this over and over before, but hearing someone else say things can make it more powerful.

Agrace, you're right - my wife doesn't need to concern herself about me cheating on her with anyone- let alone another man. I did fall in love with her as a friend first, so our bond is strong. She was quite supportive of her father when he came out too. Although the stigma for her being married to a trans-gender woman might be way too much for her. She struggles with her own health problems and I need to make things easier for her, not worse.

Therein lies my problem: I have filled decades with self-loathing and self-harm because of who I have to be, not who I want to be. I hope counselling and AD's can help. But that all costs money. Can I go on another decade living  as a woman in my mind only? The cost to my family if I come out is super-high. The cost to me is high if I don't. Can I be that selfish?

[Joe_Black1]

Justinok,

i just watched that Australian Story... OMG, I was struggling to keep it together. Her story is scarily familiar, even down to the Army career. Thank you for alerting me to that story. 

I see so much of my own story in hers, and her words "I would cling to any lie that allowed me to remain as I was, rather than face the pain of the truth" has shaken me. I am stuck in that place and have been for years I suspect. It's a waking nightmare and depression and anxiety are like a shroud I wear to keep the real me from surfacing.

The real me is (or should be) Sabrina Smith. I chose the name Sabrina because I simply like the sound of it. And Smith as a surname because it blends in perfectly to western society without attracting any attention.

that step was easy. The rest are much, much harder I suspect.

thank you again.

[justinok]

Hi Jezz, I'm glad the Cate story helped even if it was just to make you feel less alone. No matter what you decide to do, I don't reckon you're selfish to want to be who you are.  I must have missed the part where you said your wife's dad is gay.  Sure this is different, but I wonder whether you can sit down and have a talk with her about how you are feeling.  This is just to get it off your chest, you don't have to make any big decisions.  You can reassure her that you're not making any big steps yet even, but I think this might be a big weight off your shoulders if you do.

[Joe_Black1]

Thank you Justinok,

You're right that story has made me feel less alone, and has given me lots to think about. Since I've watched that story, I've made a new appointment to see my doc to get back on track with counselling and AD's. Without that I'll end up getting worse, so I have to get help before I can move forward.

i also need to start looking for a workplace not full of bigoted bullies. That adds to my stress levels constantly. If I can do that, then I give myself a small chance.

i know what I need to do now, just baby steps to begin with. I really appreciate your time and care, thank you.