I may have made a really big mistake

[TheWayfarer]

Hi all,

I might have made a really big mistake.

It all started when I fell in love with a friend (same gender) a little over a year ago. It was such a whirlwind rush - we got along so easily and well, chatted every day and saw each other around 4 times a week. We did a lot of activities together and I quickly fell for him. He was so sweet, and despite the fact that I shared my history of mental health struggles - he was always really supportive and didn't run away (like a lot of people do).

It wasn't always smooth sailing - we did have our fights and one in particular was really bad where we didn't talk for over 4 months this year. Initially, I was so apprehensive to tell my feelings, but I felt like I was going to explode if I didn't. I was so scared he was going to reject me - but he didn't - initially he was really cool about it. But that fight - he threw it back in my face and it made me feel ashamed of my own feelings. I couldn't help but think about him every day, missing him and wondering if he was okay - despite the fact that he hurt me really badly.

Then out of the blue - he contacts me again and explained he had a lot of things going on - and that he didn't want to come back until he was better. I was still very hurt, but honestly, it brightens up my day when i get to see him and talk to him again. Corona hit him pretty hard, and he was pretty much isolated from a lot of people, so I jumped at the opportunity that he had elected me to be his social bubble.

And very much like a whirlwind - when he said he wanted a housemate - I leapt at that opportunity too. But now that he's seeing other people, I keep having constant thoughts of him abandoning me again. Our usual moments together seem less special because he's constantly on his phone with the person he's currently dating with. I feel like I'm slowly losing him again and it really hurts. And the kicker? I still have major feelings for him.

I worked really hard trying to focus on myself and my own development - I was so fortunate to still be working and finding days meaningful again in the four months without him. But every day I missed him, despite piling on work and activities to try and get away from thoughts of him.

Now we're under the same roof (and I don't have much money) - I can't escape the predicament I'm in. That I'm in love with my friend who's slowly drifting apart from me.

After everything he's been through, I feel so bad for burdening him with my feelings. I'm so lost.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I feel your shattered heart. I'm sorry you are down mentally. There comes a time when self survival is paramount plus to draw on our deepest strengths to - improve.

I've been, in the distant past, in positions of poor finances and needed to shift house. I've rented bungalows and even purchased a $1000 caravan and moved into a caravan park. What is important now is you do similar, move away. That's my personal view.

Also, consider the unthinkable now, dating others or at least expanding your own social network. Be brave, it's all about ignoring your (almost) obsession) and realising other people might well be more suited as a prospective partner.

Being in LOVE means you won't want to listen to the above. But you as an individual is worth loving someone fully and being loved back...just as much.

TonyWK

[MidnightOil]

Hi TheWayfarer,

I'm sorry that you're going through this heartbreak and I know it can't be easy. I'm glad that you feel like you can share in the forums and I hope it can bring you some peace of mind.

I'll partially echo white knight in saying that I think having some sort of support system of friends that you feel comfortable and happy around is really important. It doesn't have to be dozens of people either. Letting go can be really hard, but having other people to lean on can make it a little easier.

Also (and I know this is really vague) maybe you just need a change. Maybe join a new group or start a new hobby or change something about your appearance (if you feel comfortable with it). Or even just rearrange your room. This obviously doesn't work for everyone but it can be a distraction or something new to focus on and could possibly help you to feel more in control.

There are wonderful things out there for you and I wish you all the best. Feel free to let us know how you're getting on.

[TheWayfarer]

Thank you both white knight and Midnight Oil for your responses.

We had a long talk about it - and it was really heartbreaking. I let him know how much it hurt and he was pretty affected by it as well. I really don't want to leave - but we agreed to see what will happen for the next week - where if I wasn't recovering or feeling any better - than moving out might be the way to go.

He told me that it wasn't worth hurting over - and the brutal reality that we would never be anything other than close friends and that he couldn't bear to see me so unhappy and that he cared about me.

Tomorrow is the real test - where he is inviting someone over for dinner. I told him that it wouldn't be a problem and that he shouldn't hesitate because I really need to face the reality of the situation. In all honesty, my anxiety is flaring up - because parts of me thinks I'll just break down in my room. But I feel so guilty that it feels like I'm just an obstruction.

He's very adamant that I'm not an obstruction - but only that he's really concerned and worried that someone close to him his hurting so much.

Funnily enough - the advice that both of you have given me are things he talked about yesterday. One thing that hurt is that he told me that I didn't truly love him and that it was just infatuation. When that is so far from the truth. Despite these romantic feelings - I genuinely care for him and it breaks my heart for him to say that.

He took a lot of time to reassure me that whatever happens - he'll be supportive along the way. He'd help me move or try to make staying easier and would be more accommodating. He hasset some boundaries since he's realised that he definitely does come across a lot more affectionate than normal (which I'll admit, actually hurts because I enjoy those moments, but it's necessary).

He also took a lot of time to emphasise that we both already have an amazing, close connection and that's never going away. That no matter where we go from here, we'd be friends for life and we will always be there for each other.

Right now - I'm taking slow steps to expand my social circle and reconnecting with friends who I haven't spoken to for awhile because I was going through so much change. But lockdown has made it difficult.

Did you both or others have any ideas? I've found it hard - particularly LGBTQI+ wise...

[MidnightOil]

Although it can be painful and leave you feeling a bit raw and vulnerable, it was probably good to have a proper discussion. It's obvious that you both care about each other but you also seem to recognise that you might need some time away from each other.

The fact that he is so willing to make efforts to keep the friendship together is encouraging, and it means that if you needed to disconnect for a while but wanted to reconnect later then that could be an option. I'm sorry that he seemed dismissive of what you felt. It can be frustrating and hurtful for people to try to tell you what you're feeling when it's something they couldn't possibly know. I guess he might, in some subconscious way, be trying to ease the process (although this isn't really a great response, I feel like maybe he has good intentions in saying it).

That's great that you've been reaching out to some more people and I hope you've found some positivity in those interactions 🙂 And yeah covid is certainly not making it any easier. A phonecall can go a long way though.

I'm assuming that when you asked for ideas you meant for meeting new LGBTQ+ people (please let me know if that's not what you meant). Do you mind me asking if you're studying at the moment? I'm lucky in that my university is very supportive of the LGBTQ+ community and there are many groups and support services there where you can meet people - in person or online - so if you can find anything like that, it might be a good place to start. They might also be able to give you some suggestions of where to look for groups to join etc. As for meeting new people in general, I personally love playing sport and I think it's a great way to meet people who might have something in common with you. If you can find a social team then that can be a really relaxed environment to make new friends. This might depend on where you live as to whether the social sport is back up and running.

I hope that tomorrow night goes well 🙂

[Only_I_know]

Hi TheWayfarer, there are some good options for getting out and meeting new LGBT+ people. It helped me when I came out anyway.

The MEETUP app is a social connection app. It isn't specifically LGBT but has heaps of LGBT groups, so search on that. I've joined quite a few and caught up with many of them and made friends. It's not a dating app, but you never know you might meet and connect with someone.

Also, if you like sport or activities try googling "TEAM {and your city}" e.g. TEAM MELBOURNE will bring up a site that contains LGBT sport groups like walking/running, bowling, water, and more. another great way to get out and meet new people. everyone I've met through both channels have been great.

good luck!

Daz