I'm a transman, a writer and an sf fan with depression

[Guest_68]

Hi. I may have posted before but not for a few months at least. I tend not to when things are going better. So I came online earlier tonight and made a fairly freaked out post somewhere else and it was kindly suggested to me I might try here. My name is Alex, I'm a transman, a writer and an sf fan, and have been trying to manage my own mental health for quite a few years now.

I recently attended the World SF Convention in Helsinki which was a wonderful event, but when I came home, I immediately came down with a bad head cold and a crashing case of what we call post con depression. Even at the event, I felt very isolated among crowds. I know I'm not the only one; in fact, Finland seems like a good place for depressive types - it's quite normal to be on your own and people give you heaps of space. The language is not gender based, so that means even when speaking English, Finns don't heap "sir" or "madam" on you the way people here do. That means it didn't matter a lot what gender they thought I was; I couldn't tell from the way they treated me!

I'd been trying to lower my dose of antidepressant. Turns out this dose was no help in keeping intense stress at bay, like I've had in the last few days. So I've put it back up and hopefully can stay there. I'm saying all this in the interests of full disclosure. Yes, I've been messing with the drugs. I also know people have much worse troubles than me.

Not sure what else I can say, just that I'm looking for some friends to hang out with.

[Guest_9809]

Hello Alex, and welcome to the Forums. Yes I saw your earlier post to "The Circle" thread, and also noted the suggestion to open up your own intro thread. Thanks so much for having done so.

You and I dont seem to have a lot in common actually, but that doesnt mean we cant become Forum friends and hang out occasionally. There is one thing we ALL have in common and that is that we each experience anxiety and/or depression, so we all share a bond in that regard. I have PTSD, so anxiety is my main bugbear, but I also experience periods of depression. There you go ... common ground!

I'm guessing that the SF, stands for Science Fiction? Please pardon my ignorance on that score. Does your writing only cover the SF field or do you have other genres that you write about as well? Have you had your work published? I dabble in a bit of poetry every now and then. Although it tends to be mostly quite dark content as I find the need to write when I am at a low point. But I like expressive writing, and find it very therapeutic.

Are you artistic as well? I have recently started doing art classes and love it. My distinct lack of talent in the field does not prevent me from enjoying it, so I intend to stick with it.

Sorry to hear that you are having difficulties regulating and perfecting your AD dosage. It really is a juggling act isnt it?

Anyway Alex it great to have you here with us in the BB Forum community. I hope you manage to get out and post to some more of the existing threads around the different forum areas. You will always be very welcome, and it helps to connect with other members.

You will find that people here are very welcoming, non judgemental, understanding and supportive. Hope to see you around some more.

Taurus

[blondguy]

Hi Alex

Great to have you on the forums and good on you for posting too 🙂

I understand you where the meds are concerned. Ive been on my AD's for 20 years now. They were originally prescribed to counter chronic anxiety which they did...in 3 days..They kept me working well and even improved my career performance as well as social life too

Like Taurus asked...do you mean science fiction with SC? I love science fiction..excellent

Interesting you mentioned crowds...Ive never been a fan and also feel isolated in a crowd...Its strange how the chemicals in our brain work.

My mum is Finnish. She is 87 and still independent..talk about good genetics 🙂

Great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue forums Alex]

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome RB;

I'm glad you chose to finally post. So many read, yet don't have the courage to create their own thread, so kudos! I'm sure you'll benefit from taking the leap.

SF in certain areas intrigues me; mostly on the big screen. I also love writing, but NF mostly. I've delved into fictional short stories which aren't too bad. Having them published isn't a dream of mine though. I did have a short story published in the early 90's and won an award. (Bit risqué lol)

Fyi...there's a thread called; 'Store you happy memories here' where BB members write about positive times in their lives; some very expressive reading and a space to get the juices flowing. There's still only 2500 characters, but it's amazing how much people cram into their posts.

I identify as Bi and am part of a group who regularly visit the 'Rainbow Café' in the BB Social Zone section. We have Raynor (Rayne) there who's in early stages of transitioning; he's a pip! 🙂 So if you feel like popping in now and then, you'll be greeted with open arms and likely to be met with questions from Rayne as well.

Please don't be put off by current conversations between regulars ok. We've all been there a while, though you'll blend in with the fun, banter, support and encouragement I'm sure as we all become acquainted.

It's a pleasure meeting you RB; don't be a stranger ok. Looking forward to reading more from you hun.

Warm thoughts;

Sara x

[Croix]

Dear Ratboy~

Along with Sara, Taurus and Paul I'd like to bid you welcome too. I think you will find this place quite ease to get used to.

Going to Worldcon 75 must have been fascinating, even if one would definitely feel a tad isolated in all those crowds. I'm please to see one of the authors I enjoy, Lois McMaster Bujold, won a Hugo. She may be a trifle light for some, I thought her best was The Curse of Chalion. Also in the film world I'd love to have seen 'Tears in the Rain'

What is your favorite genre? As a writer I'd guess you'd favor written works? It's probably no politic to ask what you have written as this place takes pains to keep everyone anonymous, but you might be able to indicate the general areas, technical, fiction... etc, I'd be interested.

Coming back home after that would just about be guaranteed to be a down, and when you add 'flu to the mix - not good. I'm sorry to hear your stress levels are higher at the moment, do you do much to try to lower background stress?

Although not perfect I find I can do some things that help (I've PTSD, anxiety and bouts of depression) and these normally revolve around lifestyle. If you are interested there is a fair amount of experience and info here.

I too would suggest the Rainbow Café

Forums / BB Social Zone / The Transcendent Rainbow Cafe - social space for LGBTI members

If you find navigating difficult use Google and search for: Rainbow Cafe beyondblue

I hope you feel comfortable enough to post more

Croix

[blondguy]

Hi Alex

just seeing if you are doing reasonably okay...I hope so!

I know you have been to Finland for the SF convention. Even though my mum was born in Finland I have never been there unfortunately. I really wish I have made the effort to visit where my mum was born...

Sara Taurus and Croix have also embraced you above too 🙂

The Rainbow Cafe is a wonderful place to chill if you wish to have a bo-peep....anyway...here is the link if you want to say hello...

www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/permalink/qjFkynHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Irrespective of where you post I hope you feel comfortable as the forums are safe and non judgemental 🙂

My kindest for you Alex

Paul

[Guest_68]

Thanks for answering. Have been at work last couple of days, still feeling pretty crappy, but managed to answer all the questions from the office. Yes, SF is science fiction - I was trying not to waffle on too much in my intro - we love acronyms. I certainly wasn't the only loner at the event, but I sure wished I wasn't. Now back at home, I'm back in my thing of being alone a lot of the time and wondering what I did wrong.

[Guest_68]

Thanks for answring.  I've been hoping I could get off my meds but after awhile I sink back into really dark moods like now. Last night I dreamed about killing myself.

I've been published but find it difficult to write at the moment.

[Guest_68]

thanks, Sara

[Guest_9809]

Hi Alex, and thanks for replying back.

I note that you say you have been managing your own MH for some years, and that you are currently on ADs to help you cope. Can I ask whether you have tried any therapy in the past, like with a psychologist or counsellor? Your dark moods and dreams are definitely of concern so I think a little extra professional support right now may be appropriate.

Your comment that others have much worse troubles than you, is wrong Alex. We are each individuals and all equally worthy of caring helpful support. We should not be comparing ourselves to others, and should never downplay the extent of our own struggles. To do so would be to play with fire.

Alex I am wondering if you have followed Sara, Croix and Paul's suggestion to go into the "Rainbow Cafe" thread? If you havent already, I really hope you will do so. Also please know that you are most welcome to come into "The Circle" thread anytime as well. There is always a fair amount of activity there. Its where you posted your first post if you may recall?

Oh and by the way, you are welcome to 'waffle on' as much as you like here. Remember that its your thread in which you can say what you like, and post as often as you need.

I'm sorry that life is lonely for you right now and no doubt that is contributing considerably to your depression. Do you have friends or family nearby Alex?

And finally ... whatever makes you wonder whether you did something wrong? Would you like to explain that a little more?

You have support here if you want it Alex, and I hope you will return and give other members the chance to get to know you a little better as well. Irrespective of any professional or medication help you may get in the outside world, peer support is also a vital ingredient in managing our mental health.

I hope to hear from you again.

Taurus