Gender diversity...is it a personal choice? And if so, would it be selfish?

[Clare1]

The most frequent question I was asked when I started my transition from Anthony towards Clare was "Why are you choosing to do this weird thing?"

And because I had felt weird and different and ashamed for most of my life, I didn't know what to say. I just felt more deeply ashamed, depressed and alone. Why was I doing this strange thing, scaring my kids, irritating my wife, puzzling my workmates? Why was I being so selfish, embarrassing my children, attracting abuse and ridicule? How could I be putting my fantasies ahead of my concern for my family? I was putting my family, my job, my reputation and my life at risk!

So I decided to do some research. Everything is available online, and Mr Google knows how to find it. Of course, there are a million opinions about everything, and it takes a while to sort out the facts from the crap. But eventually it became clear that gender and sexuality is determined by the action of hormones WHILE WE ARE IN THE WOMB!!

When we are born, we are already programmed to be either hetero or homosexual, trans or cisgendered. We don't choose these things, they're chosen for us way before we're able to choose anything! The only choice we make is either to accept who we are and live an authentic life of honesty and openness, or to stay in some kind of closet and risk the inner conflict of being at war with yourself.

I believe that one of the most common causes of depression and self-harm is the fear of opening yourself to the wonderful world of gender diversity. And if it's selfish to do whatever it takes to find happiness, then ok let's be selfish!

What do you think?

[Paul]

Hey Clare1.

Finding happiness by self discovery is not at all selfish. I think it's a stage in life as a human that we get to and need to do it. Sometimes that discovery is borne of feeling something isn't quite right and exploring it to find answers and happiness. Still extremely unselfish!

I believe that if we use others to feel happy at their expense then that is a whole different and selfish thing. But this is so vastly different to discovering something that had been buried by our unconscious mind to protect us.

I'm in awe of your journey. I simply can't imagine what it would be like, but I have to utmost respect and admiration that you've made it and also have raise an important issue of whether aspects of self discovery are selfish and whether it's a choice to be who you are.

To both those questions I say no and no. 

Take care.

Paul

[geoff]

dear Claire, thanks for posting your comment and what Paul has said is very good, so it would be great to hear back from you.

Lets look at an analogy, if you were forced up onto a platform by your mates to do a bungee jump, which you would never ever do, and now still don't want to do, but were strapped up and pushed over the edge to your horror, and compare this to when you were determined to bungee jump, but none of your family, wife/husband and children begged you not to do it, but even their tears and cries to try and stop you go unhindered, then your decision has been made by you only, knowing that once you get back onto the platform they all hate you for not abiding to them.

In a funny way does this resonate with how you feel, maybe it's a silly example, because having a sex change is far more involved.

I'm not sure that you could give your family an answer that they would accept, but it's decision that you must have been thinking about for a long time, so if this is your choice then you should do it.

Just be prepared if your family want to disown you presently, but over time this situation could change, Geoff.

[justinok]

Hi Clare, I think its unfair that we end up taking on the burden of other people's inability to accept us. For me coming out as gay and then as HIV positive was hard enough, but I think for transpeople it's so much harder because our concepts of gender are just so fixed, so friends and family freak out because in their eyes, they're losing the person they know, right down to the name.  

I reckon its pragmatic to accept that it will be difficult for some people to come to terms with it, and that it may take time, but absolutely not to take on their shit yourself.  And to draw a line with rude and hurtful comments.  

[Gruffudd]

Hi Clare, 

I probably wouldn't make what I am as a choice with knowledge of how people react, then I probably would make the choice knowing how good it feels just being me. 

So I'm genderqueer, gay is easy enough for others but gender seems to be something that makes their heads explode, so I let them figure it out in their own time and way. Most days I don't identify with having a gender, some I feel a little of both. What I see in the mirror is nice enough, I'd date it, but then I have to remind myself who it is, it just doesn't fit. I chose to live with things not fitting, others chose to change to make things fit better - both are options. 

I don't think making choices that are about being true to yourself are selfish, I think doing that is living with integrity. When someone lives like that I find that my life is better for being around them. 

Rob.

[Embracing_Tiger]

Hi Clare, Rob, Justin, Paul and Geoff,

It takes tremendous courage and strength to change away from the identity that we are given from the people around us. Kudos to you Clare, and all non-heteronormative people, for the strength just to live authentically!  The concept of choice in relation to gender, sexuality or intersex status is a misunderstanding and ignorance of identity politics. So it is not selfish for any individual to live to their full potential! Rather, it is self-interested for society and people to demand conformation to heteronormative models. 

I'm saddened that you get asked those questions like "Why?". I can understand how distressing these situations must have been. I used to get asked "Why are you gay?" around when I first came out. I, too, felt the shame and loneliness of being "other". Fortunately, in general people understand a little bit more about sexuality variance, but not so much for gender variance. But I live in hope, as people are talking about it more now, and I hope as society grows and changes you won't need to justify yourself any more. 

I used to get the "Why?" question when I disclosed that I have a mental illness. Whilst sexuality, gender or intersex status is NOT a pathology, being different has similarities. I sometimes find it so hard to try to educate others. And sometimes I just don't have the energy to, and again I feel that shame. I try not to be so hard on myself in these situations. I agree with Justinok, draw the line at rudeness or abuse, that is unacceptable. But I think it a priority to be safe (physically and mentally), rather than political. 

Though I think most of the scientific community theorise that sexuality  variance is a mixture of genetics and environment. There are case studies of genetically identical twins (who were exposed to the same chemicals in the womb) where one is heterosexual and the other gay.  I don't know about gender variance, but it shouldn't matter why people are who they are. It's getting better. People are talking about issues of gender, sexuality, intersex and mental illness more. General society is getting more educated. 

Like the campaign goes "It gets better". Be selfish, but be safe. 

ET

It is no wonder for me why the LGBTI experiences higher rates of mental illness.