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Gay or Bi......why am I making it so hard for myself?

Community Member

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this forum and have sat here crying hysterectivally after watching some inspiring online clips by Analiese and Shane. It was very  inspirational and I think it brought up many home truths for myself about self hatred and the way in which society views people and the way I view myself. I have been questioning my sexuality for the past 7 years after growing up believing I was straight until I hit my mid twenties. I now feel like I have been in a bad dream for this past 7 years and that I will wake up one day with a clear answer. Yet this may not happen....am I gay or bisexual or what? I feel like I actually dont fit anywhere and that makes me really sad and lonley. I dont know whether to search for a male or female partner as I have been in relationships with both sexes and neither felt right. When I was with my male partner I thought about being with a female and then a few yrs later when I was with my female partner I thought about being with a guy.

Luckily, I am surrounded by some many amazing family and friends who are so supportive but have no idea really what I am experienceing. I just want it to stop. I have since been diagnosed with depression a few months again after hitting rock bottom and not being able to function. As a health profresssional myself, I was good at hiding the symptoms from myself until eventually I couldnt anymore. I mean I care for other right? I'm not the one that needs help.....so I thought.

Anyway I don't want to bring u down with my woes, but just to say that I'm not sure where to go from here. I want to be the carefree happy person that I once was and know that I am the only one who can change this. But how I ask?


10 Replies 10

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hello Kikki, I do feel for you as I think peiople that have feelings for men and women get shunned by all sides...indeed, often get told 'pick a side already' which is so unfair, but I think it is a case of when you don't understand something you speak from your own perspective and don't get why everyone else doesn't think the same. A bit like people who have never had depression say 'just cheer up', they have no idea what it actually feels like to be really really depressed as opposed to, oh no the bottom fell out of my shopping bag.

This is hard for me to imagine myself because I am only attracted to men, but I wonder whether these feelings you have had about wanting to be with a woman while you with a man and vice versa were not confusion but just the natural feelings any of us have when we get in a relationship. We don't stop finding other people attractive (well I never have). Maybe the pressure feels extra for you because you feel like you have 'make a choice'. When a relationship works, its because you love that person and not because they're tall, curvy, manly, or feminine. If you have been feeling 'this is not right' when you have been in relationships before it may also just be because you have not found the right person.

I hope some of this makes sense and I am glad you are seeing someone about your depression because depression makes even the small things seem like the end of the world, let alone the confusing feelings you are coping with.

Community Member
Dear Kikki, I don't have much time at the moment, so I will just say this, if you are sure that you like the same sex, even like 50% or something, until you find out, or make a definite decision/choice, you might like to try the orientation ' bi curious' ... Good luck 🙂

Community Member

Thanks Jess and Burger,

Appreciate your comments and advice. Jess you are right, people do fall in love with the person, rather than the sex. However, even though I tell myself this, a big part of me still believes I have to make that choice...

On the bright side these past few years have given me an insight into depression that I never even understood. I am grateful for websites such as these for support and guidance.

cheers K. 

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear Kikki, hello and welcome aboard.

I have been thinking about your post over the week end, as 'time out' was created while BB have done some upgrading.

When you are with, say a female, your mind comes into overdrive, and think about being with a male, so you are continually questioning yourself, so your mind never settles, but because of this I do believe that it's a good chance that you are bi-sexual.

I say this because if you were with the same sex person, then you would be happy and content, and likewise with the opposite sex.

Now what I would do is to maybe accept this and that you are bi-sexual, and then let your mind enjoy the company, because down the track you know that you can still see the other sex.

It's this doubt that is holding you back, and as your time passes, you may want to change your mind, that's entirely up to you, but you won't know until you let your mind feel at ease, experience is the key here.

I also want to let you know that it doesn't matter one iota which sex you decide on, because there's NO judgement here, just acceptance. L Geoff. x

Community Member

Kikki - you are who you are. Society likes to think that sexuality is best crammed into one big box when in reality it's actually very fluid. Only you know yourself well, and falling in love with a special person will be worth it in the end.

Community Member

I don't know 100% what your going through, however I will relay my experience and see if it helps.

From the age of 6 I knew I was "different" - I liked other boys/men.

The issue for me was this was totally unacceptable to my parents - especially my father.

When I was 18 I was kicked out (they did educate me - and for this I am thankful!) as I wasn't able to change who I was. (disowned)

Now 14 years later - I've been with my partner for 10 years, have gotten back in contact with my family, but it will never be like a normal family.

Even though I've been out since I was 18, I've only really gotten to the "I'm fantastic, I love myself" stage in the last year or 2 - (so around 30) and only with the help of my loving partner.

In the end you cannot change who you are or who you love.

You didn't choose it - as a son of a religious ****-phobe I can attest to this and whilst I use to wish I was straight, I have since come to the realisation that if I was, I would never have met my family (fantastic friends and partner!)

In the past I did think of ending it - I went on a downward spiral with drugs and alcohol (I haven't touched either for 10 years as I'm better off without them and alcoholism runs in my family) but came out the other side much stronger for it.

If there was 1 thing I could say to my young self it would be - you are who you are, don't bother trying to change those who won't accept you, celebrate the ones who will and to hell with the rest of them.

I don't know how to help your situation - although I hope my story has helped you some what.

Unfortunately society makes people still feel bad about something as fundamental as their sexuality. Hopefully in 20 years we will look back and wonder what all the fuss was about.

Community Member

I think that you shouldn't put a tag on yourself and just wait for the right person to come to you. If you're attracted to both then don't try to look for one or the other. 

For me i'm pretty sure i'm gay. I just all ways knew that I was different and as I got older I felt more different and I just knew. I have liked girls before though but I think I liked the idea of having a girlfriend more then actually having one. Just so I could fit in better or be socially accepted and normal because being my age and not ever having a girl friend just sends up red flags. I was keen on this girl once and she liked me but I just never found her sexually attractive. It was so confusing and I had a lot of mixed feelings.

Also there is so many labels for people these days. I have wanted to be with a chick just to see what all the fuss was about lol and i'm pretty sure i'm not bi curious. There is just too many labels. I hate the gay tag that I get and the stereo type that goes with it.. I'm just a normal guy that just happens to like other normal guys 😛 It also annoys me that I have to come out to people and keep a secret because some people won't like it. Straight people don't come out and say who they like so why should I need to. 

Just don't look for some one and when you start to get feelings for some one you will just know and they will be the right one for you, male or female 


Community Member


I think you should be confidante on your self then you decide either you are gay or not.



Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

dear All of you who have posted, gay and lesbians attachments or rather relationships have been happening for donkey years, and go back to Richard 1 and before that, so in other words it's a natural relationship, so there's nothing to worry about.

People do what they want to do in all sorts of things, like some people like some movies while others don't, some like french food while others don't, it's just part of our sociological environment, so you are entitled to love who you want to, and should never be judged for it. Geoff.