Gay boys and their mothers.

[Gruffudd]

I haven't been around here for a while, life got complicated for a while. 

Sometimes when I have really needed it mum has been there, she listens and loves, not many people have done that in my life. Then there are the times she needs the same and this is one of them. The second marriage has broken down. He never liked me because I am gay and because mother and I seem to get along better then he does with his children. At christmas it all got a bit uncomfortable, he told mum that she was not allowed to see her grandchildren and my brother and I because he doesn't approve of us and he can't cope. I don't much like the idea that disliking me was tolerable but the rest of the family was the deal breaker, never mind though. It has been a long time coming and there has been a lot of bullying and controlling behaviour which upsets awfully. What can a boy do but be there, travel a few hours after work, listen, explain how to rent a house to a mother who never has, move furniture, garden... After these two months she has made a move, is more herself then in years. I feel some conflict for being happy that this change happened, but I just don't like seeing her so unhappy. It doesn't help with the "all men are..." sentiment. Next stop Paris on holidays with mother I think. 

[white knight]

Hi Gruffudd, welcome back

How can anyone defend the indefensible in terms of someones sexuality. I don't intend to but one thing I do want to mention is the time frame of change.

See in the 1960's- 1980's we the men of the generation of your step father, were often homophobic, it was the way things were them days. I'm no exception for example...my time as a young man in the RAAF was filled with anti homosexual conversations. I'm not ashamed because that was how it was. You had to live in that period to understand it.

Therefore some men would transform, as I have, into men of no fear and no discrimination for gay people. In fact, I often prefer their kind and warm company over the sometimes cruel and nasty men I've met and worked with. But not all men have adapted. This is not excusing them, these words of mine are to explain why there views are what they are.

You have done no wrong. And if your sexuality has been the core of the problem that led to your mums separation then she is better off without him. He is likely jealous of your relationship with your mother. These jealous feelings are his issues not anyone elses.

Your relationship with your mother is priceless. Her need for your closeness to her is same. Continue on with your amazing attitude.

Keep the divide of that mans own personal issues separate from your own struggles. He needs to own his own responsibilities and you need to just continue to be a good son. That simplifies things, narrows the issues down to a narrow clarification that allows you to move forward.

Tony WK

[Paul]

Hey Rob, Lovely to see you back!

I get the feeling that your mum is going to be so much better off, I think because her husband sounded like he was controlling of her personally and through her family. This would make any mum upset and if it's happened over time, it's oppressive.

You said your mum is more herself than she has been in years, but then mention you feel conflict for being happy. Do you feel that your mum is more happy by being herself?

Paul x

[pipsy]

Hi Rob.  It's so sad in this day and age there are people who are homophobic.  A lot of it is because the church advocates these people to be 'not normal', whatever that means.  My ex FIL is extremely homophobic, so is his wife.  My dad was in the army during W.W.2, he actually attended a 'gay' marriage, he and mum didn't care as long as there was no threat to them or us kids.  Sometimes I find the company of gay men better than heterosexual, because gay men are more accepting as friends.  They're not judgemental, nor do they try to enforce a sexual encounter.  If you and your mum are happier without your stepfather, it's his loss for not understanding that even though you're gay, you're not threat to him or your mum.  I think, in your shoes, I would rather not have contact with someone who refuses to accept that just because of your sexuality preferences, it doesn't make you a threat.  I'm sorry your mum has lost her husband, but I think it's better he's not there to taunt you and hurt your mum more.  You are still a good person with no intention of hurting or upsetting anyone.  Continue to be there for your mum and hopefully some day she may yet meet Mr Right. 

All the very best for a happier, brighter future being 'you'.  I'm not gay myself, but have no problems being with gays.  As I said, sometimes you're safer.

[Gruffudd]

Hi Paul, 

I think oppressive is the best description. She is definitely happier not being oppressed by all that stuff. She would be happy in a relationship where they are an equal, my father despite his faults never felt the need to control anyone.

It is interesting that the same controlling behaviour is why I ended my last relationship. I remember just how complicated those feelings were for me. 

Rob.

[justinok]

Hi Rob, you're a great son and I wouldn't feel guilty about being happy for that relationship ending at all. It doesn't sound like it was great for her, and in a way I guess you have your mum back now.  Paris sounds awesome.  Whenw ill you go?

[Kazzl]

Hi Rob - I'm really glad to see you. You were one of the first to welcome me here and I'm very fond of you for that. xx

For what it's worth, I reckon controlling people are controlling people. In a relationship they will find a reason to control because they can and they want to. His chosen control was to not allow your mum to see her family - that's most likely less to do with his opinion of the family and more to do with wanting to control her. He could equally have said she must not work or have her own money, must not see friends outside the house, must wear this or not wear that, mustn't watch this or that TV show, must clean the house a certain way ... you get the picture. A lot of men of my parents' generation even told their wives how to vote.

Don't feel guilty about your mum - she is so much better off and she'll come to see that. I reckon if she had persevered, battled and won that round, he would have found something else with which to control her. Well done her for getting him out of her life I say. And well done you for being such a good son.

I love Paris ... can I come with you? S'il vous plait?

[Gruffudd]

I think the plan is Paris in Autumn, our spring, we shall rent an apartment and spend a week or two walking the city discovering its secrets. Of course I would love to take all the great people here with me and in a way will through the wonders of the internet. 

These last few days mother has just been happy and is herself which I love to see, everything is working out fine - he picked the wrong family in us to try controlling - all of us for generations have been nothing but independant and tenacious. It is one of the things I love about being part of it, we have teachers (the first female principal in Victoria), suffragist campaigners, social workers, builders, creators... 

It takes a little courage to be yourself, I think it is worth it though, it is not like I can be anything else but me, genderqueer and gay and of course unapologetically stubborn about it all.  

[Paul]

Hey Rob

"Unapologetically stubborn about it all" I read to mean "True to yourself"

Be sure to learn some French language. I think the French are offended if we don't try to Parlais France'. See my french is awful!

I got taken for a 120 euro taxi ride from Versailles to Paris CDG. It should have cost 60 Eur. I think because I didn't say hello to the lady taxi driver in french. Sorry Ma'am!

[Gruffudd]

Gallaf siarad â gyrrwr tacsi yn y Gymraeg, ond nid yw hyn yn dda yn Ffrainc.

I can talk to taxi driver in Welsh but this is not good in France.

I might be taken on the taxi ride of a life time if I used that. Last time we were in Paris Mother and I would both flirt and see which one got the response. That was fun.