Find answers to some of the more frequently asked questions on the Forums.

Forums guidelines

Our guidelines keep the Forums a safe place for people to share and learn information.

Announcement Icon
You can win one of three $200 gift cards. Complete our survey by 5pm, 30 June 2024 AEST to enter the draw. Your response will be anonymous so you can't be identified.

Gay and hating it

Community Member

Hi all,

I came out about eight years ago while i was married to a woman, we share three kids together so its been a very long eight years and sometimes i dont know how i got threw it.

I was living in Country Victoria and wanted to move to Melbourne in hopes of making a new life for myself, make heaps of new friends and even my first boyfriend.

Three years on since moving to Melbourne, i have made no friends and finding a boyfriend is impossible, everyone is either in an open relationship or just want to use you for that few minutes.

I am very shy and am very anxious when meeting guys, the last half a dozen guys ive been going to catch up with i have cancelled last minute as i just think i am wastingmy time, or i just think they are way out of my league so i dont bother. Ive always been a bigger guy and i hate the way i look, i will lose heaps of weight then it just creeps back on again. Most gay men expect you to have a gym membership, hard body or be a hung power top. I really hate being gay and really wish i hadn't of left my family. Im nearing 40 now and i can just see myself being alone forever. I constantly get messages online from random guys saying im fat, bald, old, i really hate myself sometimes.

Then there is the thought of being with a guy who has had dozens and even hundreds of sexual partners which really makes my feel yuck and i get turned off by, i dont know if i am really jealous or i just find it wrong, but i definatly couldn't date a guy who has been with everyone. Is it just me or can others relate?


9 Replies 9

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

Im straight so have limited advice.

There is so many aspects to meeting the right partner. For that reason online is the way to go.

You get to set your boundaries, likes dislikes, hobbies, temperament and what you seek...eg "after a guy that looks beyond the physical into my deep heart"

My daughter met her husband on line.

Just never give up.


Community Member
Hello Gay westie and welcome. Can I say from the get go, do not be ashamed that you are gay it is not something you chose but how you were made. I am the mother of a 36 year old gay son and I love him dearly. He hasn’t spoken to me since he was 31 years old because he sided with his father in the divorce. His choice because I was his best support and back stop but that is his choice. You have stated, “Three years on since moving to Melbourne, I have made no friends and finding a boyfriend is impossible, everyone is either in an open relationship or just want to use you for that few minutes”. You sound like a morally decent young man and I can assure you that morals are an individuals choice because of their character and that includes everyone. Can I suggest that you get out and mingle and that doesn't mean that you have to have sex. You just need to enjoy speaking with like minded young men and eventually you will meet someone who is worth your time and attention and vice versa. I personally believe that if someone is interested in getting to know you without having sex, then they are worth your time and then you can see where is goes from there. I wish you well but do take your time and don't rush into anything. To me personally, sex is not all that important if the relationship is built on a weak foundation lacking in trust. Hold off on the sex and those who dump you, you know weren't worth your time.

Community Member
Hi Westie, it sucks when you leave one situation to find happiness to find it isn't so easy on the other side either, right? It's really hard to start again, and emerging onto the dating scene after being married for a long time can be brutal. If you've just come out, there's an extra level of pressure and nervousness which you've obviously seen.

I see Tony has suggested you go online to find friends and a partner, when it sounds like you've already given that a go with no success. I'm guessing you're trying to use the various dating apps that are out there? Some of the worst examples of shallow humanity can be found on there, and some of the things people put in their profiles are truly gross. I've had some positive experiences through apps but overall I don't think they're designed for what you're looking for. Those things you said about what most gay men expect aren't true outside of that online world - it's not true of me!

Have you tried finding social groups? You mention that you're a bigger guy, have you heard of the bear community? There's a lot less body fascism there and it's a friendlier, more accepting crowd. The other thing too is that in this more accepting day and age, gay people are everywhere. If you think more about your interests and what you like doing, you will find groups of friends to suit. Almost all the footy clubs have gay supporters groups now that are really diverse and are a great way to meet new people and make friends.

I know it's tough mate, but try not to be too hard on yourself. How are things with your ex-wife and kids? Are you still keeping in touch with them?

Community Member

Hey Gay Westie

you've got some great suggestions posted here. I agree with Larli, if someone is interested in getting to know you without sex then they'll hang around, if they don't then good that they are gone.

Like you, I struggle with the idea of being with someone that has been with a whole heap of others. I've only been out for about 9 months now and left the family home (wife and 2 kids) 3 months ago - having never explored this side of me. I'm only just getting used to living on my own, I'm not putting pressure on myself to meet someone or even have any type of intimate encounter (of course I want to, but not worried if/when it happens).

I've looked at some Apps, but am just not comfortable with them. Some on them say that they are happy with just friendship, but I guess I'm pretty suspicious and think that there is other motives. I like the "traditional old way" and meet someone - get to know them - etc etc.

I too am a larger guy, as well as pretty shy when meeting new people, so get where you come from here - it is really hard to go up to someone and just introduce yourself and strike up a conversation. On the advice of others here on the forums, I googled Team Melbourne - a site that puts you in touch with Melbourne LGBT sporting clubs. I joined a running/walking group as it was something that I could easily do, and get fit / drop kg's at the same time. I even marched with them at the Pride march yesterday - something I couldn't ever see myself doing - but I did!

Because I'm so shy, I haven't actually met up with any of them outside of the group get togethers - I don't have the confidence to invite or ask anyone to catch up - even just as a friend, but I've come to realise that you sometimes just need to be patient. I've been going for about 6 months and really enjoy the walk, seeing the same people each week and having a chat & coffee afterwards. I'm not really interested in anything other than making friends at the moment, and expanding my social network. It takes time.

Don't hate yourself, unfortunately this can be the message that you portray to others. As Larli said, you haven't chosen who you are.

Community Member
Hi I’m Craig I too was married for 16 years and came out 18 months ago and I agree it is hard to meet guys that don’t want just to be friends sometimes and I find most apps they are just for hook ups so there not really good . I’ve joined an lgbt ten pin bowling club in Melbourne which is great and I too marched with them in the pride march yesterday which was great . I too have had guys cancel on meeting me too and it’s a little disheartening at times as new friends are hard to come by but don’t be discouraged it will happen eventually. Have you considered doing volunteer work maybe your local council would have some suggestions and it can be a great way of meeting new people as well. You have some great advice from people on here and are always willing to help where possible. Best of luck . Craig

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

I just wanted to say thankyou to all you guys for helping Gay Westie.

When I first replied, I was lost in what I could do to help him out. You guys are full of love and are amazing.



Thanks everyone, you have given me some good ideas to get out and meet people (away from online) thankyou

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I Gay westie,

I'm not sure if you're still on here or not but i've just stumbled across your post now.

I am also a gay male and came out about 7 years ago, it's never easy on any of us but also quite liberating to finally allow ourselves to stop hiding who we are. Sadly the journey still has it's hurdles and meeting a decent guy is always proven difficult. So many of us pride ourselves on non-materialist attributes and flaunt our fake selves in hope to find the most attractive guy. It's extremely hard to find someone authentic and content. I've now been single for 5 years and the dating scene scares me but i am getting myself back in there. So you are definitely not alone. I think majority of gay males experience the same dilemma's and problems that your dealing with.

May I suggest a really good book to read? It's called 'The Velvet Rage' written by Alan Downs and is about 'overcoming the pain of growing up gay in a straight man's world. It is an extremely good book and very eye opening. It will help you relate and identify to a lot of what you're experiencing and hopefully provide some guidance and reassurance for you.

Hope you're doing okay!

- Rabbit

Community Member

Im not sure what you’re basing your view on but I think if you’re basing your perspective of gay men on the ones who use apps such as Grindr then it’s enough to depress even the most positive person. This is not the whole picture and not a good way to meet anyone unless all you want is sex.
The second point I’d like to make is that there is nothing wrong with people who have had many partners sexually. The problem is more in the way you think about it as “yuck”. It’s kind of judgmental and unnecessary. Personally I prefer someone who is experienced who knows exactly what they like. Its all about personal choice and perspective. In reality are you really going to ask people “how many have you had?” before deciding to date them? Because if anyone ever asked me that question I would lose interest immediately.
I came out 32 years ago. Apart from a couple of 1-2 year relationships and a 15 year one the rest of the time I was single and yes there were times I shamelessly sleeping around. Even if you only sleep with one person every couple of months that’s 6 a year times 20 years for example would be 120 people. Are you going to throw away a potentially beautiful loving relationship because you feel “yuck” about the fact that they are human and like having sex? It’s actually a great thing to feel positive about sex and be able to freely enjoy it without the shame and judgement some in society and particularly religion places on it.

I can understand your