Female in a hetero marriage, asexual and in love with same sex friend

SH-2600 · ‎18-07-2020

I need to talk and get this all out of my head. I have been in a hetero relationship for 29 years and have known nothing else. I loved my husband but have never been in love. I have always thought of myself as being close to asexual, but strongly felt that this was something I needed to fix, that “normal” people want to have sex. I require a close intimate emotional connection to even consider physical/sexual intimacy. My husband and I have always managed this quite well, and although our relationship is not as conventional as some, we definitely had a good close partnership up until the last 2-3 years. We have 2 children in their late teens. This year, things seem to have shifted a lot. We have drifted from each other a bit and our friendship that underpinned our relationship has started to erode. He is struggling with work, life, sense of purpose and says he is unhappy and lonely. Adding to this, I am now questioning my sexual identity again. There is a woman who is the only woman I have ever had romantic thoughts about. She has been in and out of my life over the years, for a range of reasons to do with both of us, mental health issues, distance, readiness for emotional intimacy etc. this year however, after the death of a very close friend of mine, she has come back into my life and we have grown incredibly close. We saw each other recently for the first time in 6 years. We are both now ready for an emotionally intimate friendship and we spent 3 days together talking and getting closer. I am in love with her. She loves me very deeply but it is entirely platonic from her perspective. She is married to a man who has taken a significant amount of her mental health from her and from her kids, but she loves him and will never leave him. She seems to have flicked a switch in me and I know for sure that I want to be with her, but that is not something that will ever happen. I also have my primary relationship with my husband that is falling apart. I am feeling overwhelmed since coming home from the time with my friend, everything is so pale in comparison to being with her. Rightly though, she has switched her focus back to her life, and I am finding that incredibly difficult. I am also wondering if this year is a year for any big decisions because it has been a shocker on all levels. I am afraid to run from the life that my husband and I have built and I am afraid of continuing to deny myself and who I am. I am struggling. SH

SH-2600 · ‎12-08-2020

Hey Timshel,

I am ok. Sleep is getting away from me a bit, so I need to get that working again. Also, “Emotional me” was behind the wheel yesterday, instead of the usual rational and pragmatic me, so I fell in a pity puddle, said a few stupid things that I wish I hadn’t (mostly to my friend) and cried a lot! Anyway...

Today, I am a bit more in control of emotional me , thankfully!

I do know Nightminds as I used to listen to Missy Higgins quite a bit. I have no idea why I stopped, but I am now rediscovering a lot of the songs I loved, thank you. She writes like a poet and is not afraid to be vulnerable - I like that about her. Words, music and wine or two is my idea of a perfect evening!

I like being described as a badass, although when you get to know me you will realise that I am really not! I peaked quite early in that regard and haven’t been kicked out of anything since Sunday school.

You know, I am now officially referring to myself as “liquid”! I have been thinking a lot about what you said a few days ago about the shift in my thinking about sexuality since my first post. I have been trying to define my attraction to women and men. I do feel a little like I am trying to describe something I can’t see, but it helps to try to quantify it. I wouldn’t say that I was 100% asexual, but I am probably in the grey area somewhere near that end of the spectrum. Even with my friend, the sexual attraction is definitely there but even when I am with her it is often in the background of the emotional and romantic attraction, rather than front and centre. It is a quiet, slow burn kind of attraction.

I don’t feel attraction to men anymore, although again, I have always been in that grey area. Also, in my head, my husband is separate to men in general. I can’t really pin down or define what attraction is left there or still there. Not yet anyway. The grey area near asexual is the best I can do there too.

Sometimes I feel like I think about the two issues (my sexuality and my marriage problems) as very separate from each other but then they are not at all. I feel like my feet are stuck in thick mud and I can’t move in any direction. Which may be the best place for me to be right now, while I figure it all out.

SH

Timshel · ‎12-08-2020

Are you still there SH? You sound low. What can I do? I’m here.

I know those emotional days can be hard. You are probably a bit sleep deprived which makes everything seem more amplified. I have struggled with sleep patterns since I got sick and I know that hasn’t helped me at all. I have tried and am still trying to be stricter with myself in that regard. I have periods of time when I go really well and it does pay dividends. I just have to try to be more disciplined an ongoing basis.

It’s okay to have a good cry and a pityfest, it’s cathartic. Really. I’m sure your friend understands, it’s an emotional and confusing time for you. I just wish I could help more.

But I’m here if you need me. We can talk about anything you want. Even if you just need a distraction.

And I don’t care if you’re a badass or not, you’re still an exceptional human being. You remember that.

Timshel · ‎13-08-2020

OK. I am going to bed now and I am going to assume that is where you are too. I hope you are resting peacefully and will wake up feeling calm and refreshed. If you need to talk just post something here. I will check this thread regularly.

I just want to ask you to think about something. Do you think it might be better to avoid having contact with your friend right now whilst you are still feeling so hurt and vulnerable? Personally, I can’t imagine trying to heal a broken heart all the while still having ongoing contact with the person who broke it (albeit unintentionally). For me, some distance and space would be imperative if I were to have any hope of healing. I just don’t think I would be able to move forward otherwise. I would need to walk away until I was in a different frame of mind and could recommit to just being a friend. Otherwise I think there would always be this uncomfortable undercurrent flowing beneath the surface that, in time, would put pressure on the friendship. Obviously you know better than me what you can deal with. These are just my thoughts, for what they’re worth. You did say that she was supportive of you and your husband getting counselling and that she was probably just hoping things would return to normal between you. Maybe she would also be supportive of giving you some space?

Can you remember a time when you did just see her as a friend? Was she taken aback when you told her how you felt? Did you think she might feel the same way about you?

You said something about the relationship being a bit blurry around the edges on occasion. I can sort of relate to that dynamic in a friendship. I had one friend in particular who I was exceptionally close to for a number of years and the ‘connection’ between us definitely felt different to the connection I had to my other friends. Nothing was ever said directly but she, in particular, would insinuate certain things about how she was feeling and I knew that I had the ability to hurt her if I wasn’t sensitive enough. I don’t know if that makes sense or not. I guess what I’m saying is that things might have gone either way but I think there was an underlying fear that the friendship might not survive and that meant more to us in the end. I don’t think that dynamic is necessarily unusual in some female friendships so you definitely wouldn’t be the first woman this has happened to and you won’t be the last. You really haven’t done anything wrong so please stop beating yourself up, SH.

Badass!

SH-2600 · ‎13-08-2020

Hi Timshel

Thankyou for staying with me. I didn’t see your posts until this morning because I am trying to be strict with myself around sleep routines especially on my work days! So after another rubbish night’s sleep, it was really nice to read your post. I really appreciate knowing you were there. A lack of sleep is the mortal enemy of mental health, and a lack of mental health is the mortal enemy of a good night’s sleep. I find sleep hard work, I always have, and it sounds like you do too. I wish it was different for both of us. Apparently some people go to sleep straight away when they go to bed and then stay that way until morning!!

If I tell you my recent tattoo story you would definitely no longer call me badass!!

I was feeling quite flat, but have picked up a bit today. I spend my work days with kids and mostly they tend to lift my spirits. They can be quite hilarious. I was really worn out after my emotional day but I do feel better having released and emptied out the emotion.

My friend really does understand, luckily for me, and we can both talk openly in our friendship as we both feel very safe. We did talk about a temporary break this week. Neither of us wants it, although she would support it but only short term. Our friendship is the priority for both of us. Honestly, despite my feelings, when we are close and in each other’s emotional space, the emotional intimacy is enough. I don’t need anything more from her or the relationship, I may want more, but that wanting is not overwhelming. We have had some tough times in our friendship, which include some large gaps in contact, and oddly enough we both believe we are in the best space we have ever been in together. I am sure I will have more of those emotional pity-filled days as I learn to manage these feelings. She understands that and wants to be there for me.

I really do understand what you are saying about taking a break from her.

I do remember when I just saw her as a friend. She was quite extraordinary and her friendship made me a better person in all my other relationships. My marriage was better, my other friendships were better, and I made new friendships. She really did open me up emotionally to other people, I think, she just waltzed on through the thick walls I had built around me. After about 5 years, in the year before she moved away from Canberra, I started to wonder about my feelings for her. After her move we actually became even closer, but then my mental health started to break down, as did hers and instead of being there for each other we both pushed away. I walked away from her. About 3 years later, after only very light contact here and there, she got in touch and we started to rebuild. We still weren’t quite right, neither of us felt secure and it was difficult for both of us. I was struggling with my feelings and one day I just told her. I felt she just might feel the same way, I had a lot of hope anyway. To me it was blurry and grey, she would say things, send me things that made me think she might. She didn’t, it was wishful thinking and neither of us handled it particularly well. The friendship limped along for another year or so. We always had a deep love for each other, but it ended again.

Then in early February this year, after another 2 and a half years away from each other, I was sitting in the car by myself after

my friends funeral, and I rang her. This time round it has been very different. It is a more secure relationship, a more forgiving and open friendship I think. We have worked hard to rebuild and repair, but my feelings have come to the surface again. This is what makes me reluctant to take a break from her. I have had 2 very long breaks already. Every time I come back, the feelings are still there and I have to start all over again trying to manage. I feel like I have to find a way to set them aside with her rather than without her, if that makes sense. The only other option i can see is a final walking away. That would break both of us.

Most days, despite the feelings of hurt, I think I can get past it and just focus on the importance of the friendship to both of us. I think...

Then of course I need to focus on where I am up to with my marriage.

SH (not a very badass)

smallwolf · ‎13-08-2020

Hi again... been absent for a couple of days.Many random directions here...

It is good to hear that you and your friend are speaking again. It sounds as if you both know each other quite well. And it helps if you have someone who you can be truly open with.

Can I ask if your sleep problems are a recent thing?

I used to go to bed late(ish), would wake at 2(ish) thinking about work, get woken at 4 by the cat, kids swimming at 5, etc. Very broken nights sleep. My main problem was that I would go to sleep with work or other worries on my mind. I am unsure whether I tell you my solution as it may not apply to you and I hate to sounds like I'm giving advice.

On a different topic...

Do you like absolutes (black and white)? Or grey areas?

Timshel · ‎14-08-2020

I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better, SH. Keep working on the sleep pattern. I absolutely know how difficult it can be and the price you pay when you get overtired.

I understand more now about why you want to try and manage your feelings for your friend while still remaining in an active friendship with her. I really do. I feel that I may have offended you by suggesting it might be better to take a break from the friendship. I’m so sorry. I was just putting it out there for consideration because you said you had said some stupid things to her in your emotional state. Plus I wasn’t completely sure of the timeline of your friendship and whether the previous breaks in your friendship had occurred before or after you had revealed your feelings to her. I have a clearer picture now and I realise that, given what you’ve said, another break probably would be futile at this stage. In fact, your friend’s support at this time might actually prove to be beneficial in helping you come to terms with your feelings and even readjusting them. It does sound like your friendship is strong enough to withstand anything and that can only be a good thing right? You may not know what your destination is yet SH, but at least you know that, no matter what happens, your friend will always be part of your journey. And I hope there is comfort for you in knowing that. Even though your romantic feelings may not be reciprocated, your feelings of love obviously are and that may well prove to be more than enough in the end.

I’m thinking of you and I’m here for you. We’ll talk more. Be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. Things will become clearer with time. Try and keep looking up. Oscar Wilde once said something along the lines of “We are all of us lying in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.” Keep looking at the stars SH.

Badass!

P.S. I look forward to hearing that tattoo story....

Speaking of tattoo stories, you won’t believe what my dingbat of a son has just gone and done. He’s only gone and tatooed himself with a DIY Tatoo kit!! It’s only a small tatoo but......grrrr! This is the SECOND time this has happened! A year ago, him and a group of friends gave each other small tattoos and he was dragged over the coals......He was severely warned and lectured about blood and staph infections and I really thought he got it. So this time I’m dragging him down to our GP for a lecture and blood test! Plus he’s on dog poo duty for the rest of his life..............

SH-2600 · ‎14-08-2020

Timshel, you have not offended me at all. I am sorry if my post left you with that impression. Not at all, and not in any way do feel that. I value your good sense, the lovely caring way you respond to me and your friendship on here. Just wanted to say that this morning in case you dropped in here, I didn’t want you left feeling that any longer. I will come back later on. Your son though...teenagers!!

SH

SH-2600 · ‎14-08-2020

Hi Tim!

Nice to see you back! I hope you are going well.

It sounds like sleep is an issue for you too! My sleep problems are not new. I have struggled with sleep since I was a kid. I would love to hear how you manage sleep, any new ideas are greatly appreciated. I do have routines and strategies that I put in place when things go right track. Sometimes it is a matter of riding it out. These days I get enough to get by most of the time, other times it goes a bit pear-shaped. Like you, my brain seems to find a lot to think about at night time!

To answer your other question, I am not a black and white person. Greys make more sense to me. I don’t think there are many things in life that are truly black and white, there are always “what-ifs” and questions. I think sometimes it would be nice to be a black and white person, but it is not who I am. You have talked about greys before, suggesting you are maybe similar. Is that the case?

SH

SH-2600 · ‎14-08-2020

Hi Timshel,

How are you?

Just reiterating that I took no offence. I like what you have to say, and love the caring way you say it. You make me think. I am really glad you are a constant here. I feel like we have so much in common.

I am very lucky that my friend is with me through it all, too. Even when say stupid things in state of self-pity. We always felt we would find our way back to a friendship at some point. The love we do share will be enough in the long run, because it just has to be!

I can’t believe your son has tattooed himself, twice! It made me chuckle (sorry), but only because it wasn’t one of my kids. You poor thing, they do such stupid things sometimes! I hope your GP gives him a good talking to, and he learns from it this time.

My embarrassing tattoo story...

I wanted a tattoo for my 50th birthday, (because I thought I could be a bit more edgy, or something ridiculous like that). I couldn’t make a decision on what to get and when I turned 51, I still had no tattoo. I was annoying myself with indecision. So when the covid restrictions started to lift, I sent an idea to a tattoo artist and made a booking. I had to wait about 7 weeks for an appointment. I am not always a patient person, so I made a snap decision to do a walk in the next weekend and just get a small tattoo as well. It was a comedy of errors. My phone died, so I couldn’t show them an image, I stuffed up the registration and I messed up following every instruction they gave me. It was like I didn’t have the language of the place! I felt like an imposter and was so tongue-tied. I even stuffed up following the tattooist to the room! Anyway, after 2 hours in the waiting room, and 5 minutes in the chair, I got the tattoo. There was hardly any pain at all, but I almost threw up from anxiety when I got out. Plus, because it was a fine line tattoo, and my skin is not exactly young, I had to go back last weekend for a touch up. I managed to repeat my performance of idiocy, I was like a bumbling fool! Anyway, I really like my tattoo, but I cancelled the other one for the moment! I think I will leave it until they let you take a support person (or tattoo interpreter) with you again.

I do love the stars. I think you said before that the natural world brings you some peace, it does for me too. Birds, trees, rocks and stars! My favourites.

Are you managing to look up too? How is your sleep? And how are things with you?

SH

Timshel · ‎15-08-2020

Chuckle all you want....just wait until it’s your turn! I know I did some stupid stuff as a teenager but at least I had the common decency to make sure my parents never found out and therefore spared them any unnecessary worry and stress. I had standards!! My boy always gets found out and can’t lie his way out of a paper bag! Useless! That being said, he’ll give it his best shot. Even when I know he’s lying and he knows I know he’s lying, it’s a tough ask these days to get him to come clean. I could break him so easily when he was younger, I must be loosing my touch!

Your tattoo story is funny. Murphy’s Law - everthing that can go wrong will go wrong! I especially could relate to the anxiety part and almost throwing up. That’s me all over. I can usually hold things together just long enough to get out the door, then blaaaaaa......Funnily enough, I was also thinking of getting a tattoo for my 50th, still haven’t gotten around to it. My son is always threatening to book me an appointment behind my back. He might put that one on the back burner for a while! (Maybe I could do a DIY job??) Turning 50 was hard for me. A real sense of urgency started to kick in. Like I needed to start ticking off everything I ever wanted to do off my Wishlist before I became decrepid! I think I started to suffer a real mid-life crisis. How the hell was I going to live long enough to fit everything in? I’ve calmed down now, a bit.

I do like nature, very much. I love mountains, the ocean (especially rough seas and rugged coastlines), night skies and wildlife. I LOVE animals of all types. When I was a kid I was addicted to books and TV programs about animals. My favourite TV program was Born Free (you got that here right?). That was the life I wanted. I couldn’t imagine anything better than living in Africa with my beautiful, wild (but very tame and loving) lioness Elsa. I also remember begging my parents year after year for my own chimpanzee?! I was terribly disappointed when I got a new sister instead! I have been lucky enough to spend some time travelling in Africa since then (in Zimbabwe and Botswana) and was blown away by the experience to say the least. Mother Africa doesn’t disappoint.

It’s hard not to stay present in the moment and be mindful amongst wild things. Do you know the poem The Peace of Wild Things by Wendell Berry? I think that’s the right title. It’s one of my favourites. Reminds me to stop and smell the roses.

I hope your badass gets some sleep tonight....