Female in a hetero marriage, asexual and in love with same sex friend

[SH-2600]

I need to talk and get this all out of my head. I have been in a hetero relationship for 29 years and have known nothing else. I loved my husband but have never been in love. I have always thought of myself as being close to asexual, but strongly felt that this was something I needed to fix, that “normal” people want to have sex. I require a close intimate emotional connection to even consider physical/sexual intimacy. My husband and I have always managed this quite well, and although our relationship is not as conventional as some, we definitely had a good close partnership up until the last 2-3 years. We have 2 children in their late teens. This year, things seem to have shifted a lot. We have drifted from each other a bit and our friendship that underpinned our relationship has started to erode. He is struggling with work, life, sense of purpose and says he is unhappy and lonely. Adding to this, I am now questioning my sexual identity again. There is a woman who is the only woman I have ever had romantic thoughts about. She has been in and out of my life over the years, for a range of reasons to do with both of us, mental health issues, distance, readiness for emotional intimacy etc. this year however, after the death of a very close friend of mine, she has come back into my life and we have grown incredibly close. We saw each other recently for the first time in 6 years. We are both now ready for an emotionally intimate friendship and we spent 3 days together talking and getting closer. I am in love with her. She loves me very deeply but it is entirely platonic from her perspective. She is married to a man who has taken a significant amount of her mental health from her and from her kids, but she loves him and will never leave him. She seems to have flicked a switch in me and I know for sure that I want to be with her, but that is not something that will ever happen. I also have my primary relationship with my husband that is falling apart. I am feeling overwhelmed since coming home from the time with my friend, everything is so pale in comparison to being with her. Rightly though, she has switched her focus back to her life, and I am finding that incredibly difficult. I am also wondering if this year is a year for any big decisions because it has been a shocker on all levels. I am afraid to run from the life that my husband and I have built and I am afraid of continuing to deny myself and who I am. I am struggling. SH

[Timshel]

Hi you,

I hope playing outside in the sun and the dirt today made you happy and that you smiled heaps. Funnily enough, I also spent 6 hours out in today’s beautiful sunshine watching my son play in the dirt - 2 back-to-back games of Aussie Rules!

I am glad things are going ok with N. I’m sure any distance you feel from her is, indeed, only temporary and probably just her way of giving you some emotional space as well, space to heal and reset your thinking in terms of your feelings for her. Things are going to be just fine between you and her, I am sure of it.

I like your idea of the slide from the top bunk by the way. But you are right, a mattress at the bottom is still a must. And might I also suggest you always wear pants...

I think you may have misunderstood me in my last post when I said that it was hard for me to let you know all of me under the circumstances. I wasn’t referring to the public nature of the forums or any reluctance or inability on my part to open up to you. In all honesty, I am not overly concerned with anonymity nor do I want to hold back from you in any way. My difficulties in that regard are far less complex. I am far less complex. I simply need more characters to work with!! 2500 per post just ain’t enough! I am aware that I don’t answer all your questions. That is because I am cherry picking. I am trying to answer as many of your questions as I can whilst at the same time sharing other areas of interest with you, learning more about you and your interests and, most importantly, trying to make sure that you feel supported and cared for at this time in your life. Plus provide you with some light distraction!! And 2500 characters just don’t cut the mustard! (Is that even a saying?!) It’s simple. I am simple. Obviously! Thanks for thinking I have more depth though. I appreciate it! You will learn more about me and my head in bits ‘n’ pieces. So just bear with me!

You are right about us going so far off topic that anyone coming onto this thread looking for answers or guidance may well end up leaving more confused than ever?! But there is also another possible scenario. They may actually consider themselves lucky. They may even feel like they have somehow dodged a bullet. Because no matter how far their problems have pushed them towards the edge of the cliff, they haven’t completely fallen over the cliff yet, like we have. Turned into rambling idiots for whom surreality is the only reality and regression the only progression. WTF?

[SH-2600]

Hey there,

I have been practising my telepathy, are you hearing me yet?? Is it working??

The sunshine yesterday was lovely. I hope they were good games of footy and your son played like the superstar he is. I did some gardening, but I did a lot of just sitting and soaking it up too. I listened to your music. I have to say some of it seemed very fitting (especially the Tracey Chapman and “Queen Joan” songs). I hadn't really listened to much of their stuff other than what was on the radio back in the day. I have some questions, but I will hold them until (a) my telepathy starts working, (b) you come find me, or (c) you answer my other questions!!! Come on, hop to it, Ms Simple-not-Complex! Seriously though, you give me all those things, I feel supported, cared for and distracted. I love having you in my day and in my life. I do genuinely want to know you and how you are, especially how things are for you at home. Do you have marriage counselling scheduled this week?

I am going out for more sunshine today. I will be back later so we can continue our community service work!

Oh, and I thought pants were optional once you hit a certain age! Dammit! Hahaha, yes I promise I will wear pants! Apologies to Tim if you are reading this, I should have told you to cover your poor ears!

SH

[Timshel]

If I live to be 120 I’m not sure I will ever be able to get my newly formed image of you - coming down the slide from your top bunk each morning with your arthritic knees in the air and a steely expression on your face as you attempt to nail a perfect dismount - out of my head. Especially given that underwear is optional! I just hope you don’t collect me on the way down as I attempt to cut myself loose from the bottom bunk! I was laughing so hard reading your post this morning that my son tried to grab my iPad to see what I was looking at. I managed to hold him off thankfully. He lost interest once I told him I was reading something about a woman in her nineties ‘going commando’ in a retirement home. In fact ‘He lost interest’ is probably too tame a description. He actually turned green and made a b-line for the nearest exit. I think he thought there might be photos or something, which of course there weren’t - not yet anyway!!! SH, you do know we are going to be thrown off this forum one day, don’t you? How we have lasted this long is beyond me! We are about as much use to the BB community as, as...nope, I’ve got nothing! I really hope, for your sake, that others in your life are more mature than me..

Okay, serious face on! No, we have no more counselling sessions lined up. Neither the counsellor nor the chihuahua have contacted us to reschedule since cancelling on us (almost a week and a half ago) which I think is really bad form. I cannot imagine how someone can run a practice like that. Just leaving people completely in the lurch. This person is a psychologist. People come to see her for help with any number of issues. It’s not good enough! I think we are going to go with Relationships Australia instead. Although they usually have a substantial waiting period apparently, so we may need to look at other options too. My husband (who I will refer to from now on as M) does now want to continue with counselling. He FINALLY seems to understand how important it is to me. After a couple of days of strained silence, I did eventually talk to him, or rather, unload on him. I actually sent him an email detailing (in simple dot point form) what I ABSOLUTELY need from our relationship going forward. I even suggested he do the same. I think we really need to address each other’s needs in a more organised and structured way once and for all. I can’t succumb to his way of thinking any more that, just because you don’t talk about something, doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist

[SH-2600]

I just spilled my cup of tea all over myself, I am laughing so hard!! The whole image is hilarious, (apologies to Tim, again), including you cutting yourself free of the springs each morning. We will get kicked off here for our ridiculous comedy act, but then what will we do? We will have to take our act somewhere else! Sometimes you just need a good laugh, and besides we are pretty good at serious too! I still can’t stop laughing though. While we may be a bit useless to the broader BB community, we are so good for each other!

Serious stuff now. That psychologist you were seeing seems almost negligent in the way she approaches her business and her clients. You are definitely better off without her. You have made more progress without her too by the sounds of it. Actually it sounds like you have made a bit of a breakthrough. I am so glad M is coming around to the understanding that counselling is important for you, and therefore your marriage, going forward. That was all of your hard work. Your list is a good idea, even just providing an opportunity for you (and M) to understand your non negotiables. I hope he takes the opportunity to think about what he needs and provides that too. Was making amends on your list? Our experience with relationships Australia was good when we used them last. It is their core business too, so they are specialists. Hopefully you don’t have to wait too long to get in. Will you try to have more of a discussion with M about your email prior to counselling or wait until you have someone else in the room with you?

Are you feeling more positive now that things will work out for your marriage, that you will find a way forward and that you will feel happy in the marriage again, and importantly, that your needs are being met? You deserve that, Timshel, to be happy, to have all of what you need and at least some of what you want too. You really deserve to be loved well.

I know you mentioned before that the whole needs vs wants thing resonated with you. You told me about your needs in relation to being a mother to your lovely son, but were there other things too?

Yours (in nursing home mayhem and hilarity)

SH

[Timshel]

It was a good one too! I didn’t have a great day in the end and I was trying to tell you about it. Be a bit more revealing (in the metaphorical sense of course!). I DO WANT to answer your questions and tell you more about me, myself and I. How my brain works or rather doesn’t. Things I struggle with. My relationship. Everything. I also want to know more about you, yourself and you?! I don’t want to wait until we are in that retirement home. I would prefer to do it while we can still eat solid food with our own teeth. And definitely before undies are optional! I also think I may need to know you a little better before you expose yourself to me each morning!! Or not?!

In all seriousness, sometimes trying to explain how my brain functions is a bit like trying to bite my own teeth! All I know is that it slows me down, stops me from achieving what I want to achieve and pi$$es me the hell off! I hate my stupid brain!!

With regards to your recent questions. Yes, amends were on my list for sure. As was M taking responsibility for his own actions and not making me in any way complicit in HIS wrongdoings. These have always been HIS weaknesses. I have mine too. When he doesn’t want to take responsibility for his own actions he tends to talk in the passive tense. For example he will say things like “It just happened” or something along those lines (like he did with about his recent ‘distraction’). To me that is almost like making himself a victim of circumstance rather than taking responsibility for the part he played in allowing, letting or even making it happen. Maybe it could ‘just happen’ once. But not 30 or so days in a row!! And I saw proof (and only some). He was no victim. There were things he said and did that he told me he felt uncomfortable about. But no one forced him to do or say those things. Least of all me.

Let me put it this way. It’s like the difference between saying “The cup got broken” and “I broke the cup”. One of those statements assumes guilt and responsibility for the action, the other does not. I think he might finally understand. We have and will talk more.

As for the future....

[SH-2600]

I am so sorry my dear Timshel. The first couple of sentences of your last post make me think I have been thick and missed something really important and I am so very sorry if I have. You didn’t have a great day today? Or when you spoke to M with your list? I know you want to share yourself with me, and I can’t wait to know you better and for you to know me (sorry I seem so impatient for this). I will come back in a sec but I wanted you to know I am here, before I spend a heap of time drafting and redrafting and editing!

I am here.

[SH-2600]

Sorry this took a while, I wanted to really think about it. I love your brain, but I understand your feelings about what OCD does to it, I really understand your frustration too at how it limits you. I want to understand it better and you better, because I like you a lot and want to have you in my life, but take your time with this. I will listen to all of the bits and pieces you give me, even if you sometimes don’t have the words, and I will put the picture together. We have time, (says the most impatient woman in the world!), we honesty do.

You have a lot of work to do with M. Making amends for the hurt he has caused, and even acknowledgement that he has caused that hurt, and him taking proper responsibility are important needs for you, well they would be for anyone. He may or may not get there with those things, but I hope he does, for you. I know you and M love each other and i hope through the counselling you get what you need, and want. I am here with you though, through it all.

In your future you have me! That much I know.

Tell me about your day. What made it not so great?

SH

[Timshel]

SH,

You can’t miss what you didn’t see so don’t blame yourself. You are not thick at all. I will send you another post later telling you about my day so you can know more about me. Promise.

NEED VERSUS WANT

Anyway, back to your last post. It is becoming clearer to me what I need in my life, in my relationship and so on. Obviously, as I mentioned before, being the best Mum I can be for my son is a no brainer. I need to be there for him when he needs me, set him up as best I can to deal with life and all its’ challenges, teach him how to be a good man, someone who can decipher the things that really matter in life from the things that don’t and someone who can be truly happy and at peace in his life but not at the expense of others. In fact, for me, being truly happy in life can be hard if you leave too many casualties in your wake. It is not difficult to treat everyone with respect, to be kind, to be generous, to be empathetic. In fact, I saw through my Dad that real happiness is often found in what you do for others, how you make the lives of others better, more than what you do for yourself. I would like my son to experience that depth of happiness. Of course he will make mistakes, we all do, but it is how you choose to respond to those mistakes, whether you choose to learn from them that makes all the difference. When you know better.......

Of course, there are the obvious things in life I need. Every sentient being not only needs but deserves food, water, shelter, compassion, the right and freedom to be who they are, live in peace and so on. But I think many of us also need, to varying degrees, a sense of purpose in our lives, a sense of belonging, a sense of connection. To many it is important to experience love in whatever form. To know what it is to love and be loved, to share your life with others. For others this may be less important as they find fulfilment and happiness in their lives in other ways. So my NEEDS are definitely covered in the above.

What I want for the world and for others is easier to answer than what I want for myself. Obviously I want a peaceful world, a healthy environment to pass on to future generations, a world where difference is respected even if not understood, diversity is celebrated and cruelty, abuse and oppression in all their forms are eliminated. Big ask I know.

What I want for me personally requires some more thought. I want to stop pushing a boulder up a hill in my relationship for starters. I want easy!

[Timshel]

I like you a lot too SH. And I want you to be happy. I care about your happiness even if I don’t get to witness it in person. I don’t want your life to be vanilla. I want it to be full of bright and vivid colours. I want you to feel like you are living your best life, your most passionate life. And I want you to take all the time you need to find the road that leads to that life. That road may lead to new pastures or it may take you on a journey that ultimately brings you right back home. Try and appreciate the journey. And as I keep reminding you and I hope you keep reminding yourself, N will always be a part of that with you. You have lost nothing.

And, if you want me too, I will also travel that journey with you. Right into the retirement home if it comes to that!

You remember I told you that I had been thinking of getting a tattoo for my 50th but never go around to it? Well, I will tell you what it was going to be and why.

There is a poem I once read. A poem about an old man reminiscing about his life. Comparing the starkness of the things that were with the promise of the things that might have been. If only he had been braver, taken a risk instead of playing it safe. Followed his heart instead of his head. Two lines of the poem in particular resonated with me because they reminded me of the fact that most of the best things in my life have happened when I have stepped outside my comfort zone, taken a risk, a leap of faith. And I guess, in some small way, I wanted to rediscover that part of me. To remind myself to be brave! Because, so often these days, the fear is greater than the faith.

For of all sad words of tongue or pen,
The saddest are these: “It might have been.”

[SH-2600]

I haven’t been able to get to this properly until now. I have been writing bits and pieces to you throughout the day and now have what qualifies as an essay! I will send it to you in bits and pieces. I had a long talk with my husband today which was productive, but I will tell you about that later on. I also had a long chat with my son about Sylvia Plath and her poetry which for my sleep deprived brain was a bit of a stretch so be prepared for me going off track a bit!

You make a lot of sense to me and you always speak directly to my heart. And yes I want you close, so you will need to be prepared to stay here! Although I am ready to start standing on street corners with a placard that says Timshel?? Timshel?? Is that you??

Your son is lucky to have you as his Mum. You are giving him everything he needs to be a good man, just like your Dad gave you what you needed to be a good woman. We all know that the world needs more good people.

So another hard question...which of those needs (from the list of needs that all or most people have) are currently being met for you and which are not? Your list of needs reminds me a bit of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. According to his theory, you can’t go to the next level in the hierarchy until your needs have been met at each level below as you step up. I am thinking hard about my needs too.

What you want from the world and others definitely match my own values. I have a lot of faith (me??) in the generations coming up. Our children have such a better understanding of these things than I certainly did at their age. I think they will do better, than our generation has so far. Doesn’t me we shouldn’t be trying.

Service, giving back to others and the community is/are (sorry my tired brain can’t work out which one is correct so I am going with both) important to our own well being. Your Dad clearly knew that! I actually get some sense of that as a teacher. What I do feels meaningful and significant.I laugh and smile every day in my job (as much as it is also the hardest job I have ever done and it sometimes makes me sad and frustrated). I learn so much about people and about myself. Every year is different and those short humans are actually very good teachers!

I am off track but will get back on track in my next post. Hang in there, I will be back. 
I can’t come back with the rest of the response yet, I have hit too many words again.