Female in a hetero marriage, asexual and in love with same sex friend

[SH-2600]

I need to talk and get this all out of my head. I have been in a hetero relationship for 29 years and have known nothing else. I loved my husband but have never been in love. I have always thought of myself as being close to asexual, but strongly felt that this was something I needed to fix, that “normal” people want to have sex. I require a close intimate emotional connection to even consider physical/sexual intimacy. My husband and I have always managed this quite well, and although our relationship is not as conventional as some, we definitely had a good close partnership up until the last 2-3 years. We have 2 children in their late teens. This year, things seem to have shifted a lot. We have drifted from each other a bit and our friendship that underpinned our relationship has started to erode. He is struggling with work, life, sense of purpose and says he is unhappy and lonely. Adding to this, I am now questioning my sexual identity again. There is a woman who is the only woman I have ever had romantic thoughts about. She has been in and out of my life over the years, for a range of reasons to do with both of us, mental health issues, distance, readiness for emotional intimacy etc. this year however, after the death of a very close friend of mine, she has come back into my life and we have grown incredibly close. We saw each other recently for the first time in 6 years. We are both now ready for an emotionally intimate friendship and we spent 3 days together talking and getting closer. I am in love with her. She loves me very deeply but it is entirely platonic from her perspective. She is married to a man who has taken a significant amount of her mental health from her and from her kids, but she loves him and will never leave him. She seems to have flicked a switch in me and I know for sure that I want to be with her, but that is not something that will ever happen. I also have my primary relationship with my husband that is falling apart. I am feeling overwhelmed since coming home from the time with my friend, everything is so pale in comparison to being with her. Rightly though, she has switched her focus back to her life, and I am finding that incredibly difficult. I am also wondering if this year is a year for any big decisions because it has been a shocker on all levels. I am afraid to run from the life that my husband and I have built and I am afraid of continuing to deny myself and who I am. I am struggling. SH

[SH-2600]

Hi Tim!

It is nice to hear from you. I was wondering how you were getting on. I hope you are going well.

I haven’t heard of that novelty song. My Dad’s taste in music only went to about 1970, so I missed it in his collection. I will look it up!

Look after yourself Tim, and drop in regularly. Timshel and I will still likely be here in our 90s having ridiculous conversations. I wonder what the record is for the most posts in a single thread?

Timshel, you are a mad woman, and I love you for it!

SH

[smallwolf]

You know that there are quite a few cats fans in Brisbane. Son and I went to a game a year or 2 ago against the cats - had pizza at a place near the Gabba, swear there were more cats fans than lions. That was what it felt like.

On my dad's taste in music... Don't look it up. Scar you forever.

On the paperwork... About a week away.

Had psychological appointment today. She has my next session planned already - why I have trouble opening up to wife! Were also talking about values. Well there is an imbalance between some of my actual values vs what values I want. So I got more homework. Had to talk to wife about upbringing and values and whether they differed. Suprise! They did. We chatted tonight. Next is a family chat about shared values. Prolly does not help to refer to my issues as first world problems

As for both of your kind words I will say...

Thankyou with a full stop.

I am also really good at dismissing positive statements. The full stop means that I can't add anything after that.

[Timshel]

Hi you,

I’ve been trying to get on here all day and it’s now 11.20pm and a I’ve only just managed it!! My husband was at home today (he only goes into the office Mon, Tues, Wed now and on Thursdays and Fridays as needs be or works at home) and my father-in-law also paid us a visit which usually means a bit of a talkfest. He lives alone since my mother-in-law passed away 3 years ago and, although he keeps himself busy with hobbies and friends, he still gets lonely and likes to come over this way for a chat. He prefers to spend time talking to me and his other daughter-in-law rather than his own kids for some reason. Always has actually. I thinks he feels he can open up more with us. With his other daughter-in-law down the Coast, I have probably become his main go to person, especially when he’s feeling a bit low which I think he was today. He seemed to be doing better by the time he left thankfully.

I am feeling a bit shattered though and am about to nod off. I just wanted to quickly check in with you first and say hi.

I’ll come back and talk more tomorrow when I have more energy. Be good or be good at it as they say!

Thinking of you as always.

Timshel

P.S. Tomorrow is GYO day at your place isn’t it? Gin and Tonic for dinner? I like the way you think! I will happily be your person here for the next 40 years! But I think by then we’ll probably both be in retirement homes and our access to the internet will be strictly limited because it interferes with our nap times and gets us a bit too hyped up. Maybe we could just become roomies in the same place?! Yeah, that’d be better. We could swap meds and everything! Bags the bottom bunk though. At that age I’d rather have a good laugh watching you try to get up the ladder than do it myself............

[SH-2600]

Hi Tim

Cats fans, we’re everywhere!!

You need to let us know when that paperwork arrives so we can all have a virtual celebratory drink together (alcoholic or non-alcoholic, depending on your preference).

It sounds like your psychologist has you working pretty hard. It also sounds as if your family are on your journey with you. I hope they are, although I wasn’t sure if it was you or your family referring to problems as first world. The only thing I would say to that is we live in the first world, all of our problems also reside here, doesn’t make them any less difficult to carry and resolve. Works in progress remember!

I like the full stop. I am going to use it for myself if that’s ok. It will come in very handy! It is sometimes hard accepting that people see good things in you, when self compassion and care are not your first response.

Take care Tim.

[SH-2600]

Hello you too,

I am struggling a bit myself. Sleep!!! Where are you? I called in sick today, I just couldn’t do it. I feel a bit guilty, but it is my first sick day this year, so I figure it is ok. I am not functioning that well, I can’t seem to get above 6 hours of sleep. I am neither good, nor good at it right now! I will try to up my sleep routine another level tonight and see how that goes.

Work is a bit crazy too. I have been running a few extra things across the school over the last two weeks, science and maths stuff, as they are my “thing”. Plus I find that schools as workplaces are strange and there are a disproportionate amount of people who whip up drama, or feed off it, and the more people they can reel in the better!! Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of brilliant, committed and admirable people who are complete professionals. But the others frustrate me a little, well a lot. None of it is ever directed at me because I don’t buy in to that rubbish. I am calm and sensible (although my class think I am an idiot sometimes) and professional. I just get on with it and try to support others rather than tear them down.

I know why your father-in-law chooses you to talk to. Same reason I do! He is so fortunate to have you, as am I.

I think I will try to have a nap later, get in some practice for the nursing home. Can you imagine? We would be in trouble constantly for breaking some rule or other! It would be quite funny, but imagine talking with no character limit!! We would never shut up, although there may be a bit of nodding off mid conversation. We may have to get kids/grandkids to sneak in contraband though (I am thinking gin, wine etc). Also by baggsing the bottom bunk, you may be laughing, but you will have to push me up the rungs each night when my ancient knees seize halfway up the ladder!

I have been listening to “My Story”. I don’t want to be the friend who doesn’t really know who you are, doesn’t know what it is like in your head. You are always safe with me (even in this public space!), and I want to know your story.

Yours (in nursing home mischief),

SH

[SH-2600]

And yes...GYO. Will you join me in a gin, or a beverage of your choice?

Happy “wear it purple” day!

[Timshel]

Goddamn it! I didn’t get home in time for cocktail hour! I dyed my hair purple and everything! I bet you drank the whole bottle of gin by yourself didn’t you? You know gin is also my beverage of choice. Probably the only spirit I drink now. That and wine or beer or champagne or...

My poor SH. I can totally relate to your sleep deprivation issues. I’m the same. I can’t discipline myself to stick to a strict bedtime routine. And even when I do, I struggle with nodding off. I’m always tired during the day but at least I don’t have to ‘function’ at the same level as you. Did you manage to have your nana nap today? I don’t have any problems nodding off during the day or even sleeping on in the morning but sometimes, when I do that, it messes me up for the nighttime. I have had a few good night’s sleep recently though, it’s just keeping it up. I am still planning on restarting my meditation routine which has really helped me in the past. But even that requires discipline that I don’t possess at the moment. I wish I knew you in real life (sort of sounds like I am a figment of your imagination...) because I could teach you how to meditate properly and avoid getting that jittery, anxious feeling you referred to. I used to be like that at the beginning but there is a way to overcome it and reap real rewards. I am glad you allowed yourself the luxury of a day at home. I like that you were kind to yourself. Is sleep the only thing you are struggling with lately or is there something else? Well, I mean apart from the obvious complications in your life at the moment. How is your heart mending? Is your heart mending, even a little? I hope you are embracing all the joy your friendship with N brings you and that any longing you have for anything more is starting to dissipate, little by little. Keep reminding yourself that she will always be part of your journey.

A trampoline! That is my plan for getting you onto the top bunk each night. Haven’t quite worked out how to get you down yet if those knees of yours seize up during the night. Maybe I could put a mattress on the floor and you could just roll off onto that. I fell off a top bunk once as a kid whilst sleeping at a friend’s place. Scarred me for life. Mind you, I have also sat up too fast in a bottom bunk and nearly knocked myself out. Plus I’ve gotten my hair caught in those old wire springs on the underside of bunk beds and have had to cut myself loose!

Can’t wait to be your roomie. Old age never looked so good!

[Timshel]

You don’t think you can get expelled from nursing homes, do you? We could end up homeless if we play up too much. The best part for sure will be having no character limit on our conversations even if we do drift off mid-sentence.

SH, I want you to know me completely and I definitely want to know you. It’s just hard under these circumstances. I want to answer all your questions but that character limit always gets in the way. I have lots I want to talk to you about too. I’m not sure you really want to be inside my head. It can be a loud and confronting place sometimes.

You are very genuine and I feel a very strong connection to you, truthfully. If only I could communicate with you telepathically. I wonder if there are classes we can take to learn to do that?! Maybe we should also take sleeping classes. Although, if we did that together, chances are we wouldn’t get a wink’s sleep!

I got shivers down my spine when I read about the goings on at your workplace. Those are the sort of things I don’t miss about the work environment, AT ALL! That forming of factions and alliances, that tearing down of others - YUK! I guess it’s probably a common occurrence in all workplaces though I didn’t realise it was particularly prevalent in the school system. Glad to know you are keeping out of it and staying professional. Try not to let things like that get under your skin too much. You can only control your behaviour, not the behaviour of others.

On another note. I listened to Nick Cave’s latest album Ghosteen the other night. My husband downloaded it. He is also a fan. It is so sad. It chronicles the feelings and emotions Nick and his wife have gone through over the last 5 years since the tragic death of their son Arthur. I’ll have to listen to it a few more times to really get it.

By the way, I do know the Indigo Girls, but not that well. I’ll try to listen to some of their stuff this weekend. I too like Lily Allen’s version of ‘Somewhere Only We Know’. I’m so glad you like ‘The Story’. I do think Brandi and the boys are worth a listen if you get the chance. They were supposed to tour Oz this year. Alas! Other possible contenders for my birth song could have been ‘Forever Young’ by Bob Dylan, ‘Creep’ by Radiohead, maybe ‘We Are Young’ by Nate Reuss or ‘Better Days’ by Amos Lee. Too much choice!

I listened to some Tracy Chapman the other night. I like ‘The Promise’. I also listened to a bit of Queen Joan! I like ‘Weakness in Me’ and ‘Always’.

[SH-2600]

I can’t wait to see your purple hair at the next cocktail hour!! There is plenty of gin left. contrary to my developing image on this forum, I actually don’t drink that much, honestly!!

Sleep!! I would like to know how I can be so damn incompetent at something that is a naturally occurring human function. I did get to about 7 hrs last night but it was very broken. I can usually go to sleep ok, but I wake many times during the night. When I am sleeping well, I wake less and go back to sleep quickly, but when I am in a phase like I am now I will sleep for an hour or two, wake for an hour or two, sleep for an hour or two, etc. I drive myself crazy. I need to get better at the mindfulness and meditation stuff and breathing techniques. When I do it, even in a guided program, my chest gets tight, breathing is uncomfortable and I get anxious and jittery just as you describe. I need you to teach me!! I am glad you are sleeping a bit better, I was hoping you were.

I did get my nana nap yesterday. I slept for about 1 ½ hrs. I usually try to avoid sleeping during the day too. Self discipline is so hard, I hear you. It is not my strength, especially when it comes to things that are good for me.

I am still going over things in my head. Things with N are ok. I am doing ok in terms of the hurt and carving off my “in love” feelings from my other feelings. I am being very hard on myself and challenging every wishful thought, all of the imaginings that my brain will run off with if left unchecked and every feeling of longing. I am actually doing ok with it and it is dissipating. We talk most days but she is a little bit distant at the moment. I am giving her a bit of emotional space. There is a small shift in the way she is responding to me and expressing her love for me, whether it is conscious or unconscious, it is understandable. There was going to be an inevitable renegotiation of things as we find a new us. I just have to take care and give her what she needs (and nothing of what she doesn’t need). It is temporary, I just need to reassure her that it will be ok from my end so she feels secure and loved by me, the way she wants/needs to be loved by me.

I am thinking a slide would work well to get off the top bunk. I would still need a soft landing though, just in case I don’t nail the dismount! Don’t want to crack my hip. Our antics may get us expelled from the nursing home. Oh well, nothing like growing old disgracefully!

[SH-2600]

I do understand that it is hard on here. I find it hard too and I worry about how much of me is already laid out here for anyone to read. I don’t want you to disclose or reveal anything you are not comfortable with. I already feel like we are operating outside the purpose of these forums and we have travelled way off topic!! I feel sorry for anyone trying to rummage through our ramblings looking for anything that might be useful for them! Bring on the telepathy course!

I do understand difficult head spaces, so I am not afraid of yours. There is a short story I read that honestly could have been written just for me at my worst. It is in an obscure anthology of short stories about seven deadly sins. The title is angerfurymadness (n.) and while it is a bit overwritten and perhaps slightly amateurish (apologies to the author) it really did reflect my head. The blurb about the author was interesting too, as it was like a total opposite to the story. I think the author’s story is just as interesting. A bit like your poem by Miller Williams- “You do not know what wars are going on down there where the spirit meets the bone.” If you ever want to know more about what my head gets like...you just may have to do some investigating to find it.

I can stay out of all of the workplace nonsense. I mostly keep my head down and let my work speak for itself. I have a good relationship with everyone and have a foot in every camp, my son and daughter are bit like that too. I am also a pretty safe place, nothing people tell me goes anywhere else. I like stability and cohesion, so will work quietly behind the scenes to make that happen. My current school is actually pretty supportive and there are some wonderful people there, but we have been through a lot of change and that makes people feel insecure and anxious. That’s when you sometimes see the worst of some people, and the best of others. Compassion, people!!

I love that you are introducing me to new music. I am going out into the garden this afternoon so will set up a playlist and listen to that while I mess around in the dirt. I really love Gang of Youths, do you know their music? The lead singer has an interesting backstory and the music is great. Try “Go farther in lightness”, “Fear and Trembling”, “Let me down easy”, “ Do not let your spirit wane”, “what can I do if the fire goes out”. He does a nice version of Joni Mitchell’s “Both Sides Now” too.

I am off to soak up some sunshine.