Female in a hetero marriage, asexual and in love with same sex friend

SH-2600 · ‎18-07-2020

I need to talk and get this all out of my head. I have been in a hetero relationship for 29 years and have known nothing else. I loved my husband but have never been in love. I have always thought of myself as being close to asexual, but strongly felt that this was something I needed to fix, that “normal” people want to have sex. I require a close intimate emotional connection to even consider physical/sexual intimacy. My husband and I have always managed this quite well, and although our relationship is not as conventional as some, we definitely had a good close partnership up until the last 2-3 years. We have 2 children in their late teens. This year, things seem to have shifted a lot. We have drifted from each other a bit and our friendship that underpinned our relationship has started to erode. He is struggling with work, life, sense of purpose and says he is unhappy and lonely. Adding to this, I am now questioning my sexual identity again. There is a woman who is the only woman I have ever had romantic thoughts about. She has been in and out of my life over the years, for a range of reasons to do with both of us, mental health issues, distance, readiness for emotional intimacy etc. this year however, after the death of a very close friend of mine, she has come back into my life and we have grown incredibly close. We saw each other recently for the first time in 6 years. We are both now ready for an emotionally intimate friendship and we spent 3 days together talking and getting closer. I am in love with her. She loves me very deeply but it is entirely platonic from her perspective. She is married to a man who has taken a significant amount of her mental health from her and from her kids, but she loves him and will never leave him. She seems to have flicked a switch in me and I know for sure that I want to be with her, but that is not something that will ever happen. I also have my primary relationship with my husband that is falling apart. I am feeling overwhelmed since coming home from the time with my friend, everything is so pale in comparison to being with her. Rightly though, she has switched her focus back to her life, and I am finding that incredibly difficult. I am also wondering if this year is a year for any big decisions because it has been a shocker on all levels. I am afraid to run from the life that my husband and I have built and I am afraid of continuing to deny myself and who I am. I am struggling. SH

Timshel · ‎17-08-2020

My son plays Aussie Rules. He has been in an academy since he was 12 and also plays 2 ages up (17s) for his Club (along with 15s if he can manage it). Ever since I’ve known him ?? he’s been a sports nut. He has excellent hand/eye co-ordination, great spatial awareness, a competitive nature and loves being active and getting dirty! So sport and him fit well together. He’s played competitive soccer, futsal, tennis, softball, rugby, done rowing, swimming, athletics, some basketball and mountain biking and the list keeps growing. He’s done really well in all but Aussie Rules stole his heart and now he is focusing primarily on that. He wants to make the AFL one day. That’s been his dream for years. He has the skill, the mentality and the determination and I have to say, when it comes to sport at least, is pretty self-disciplined. But making professional sport is a tough gig. Through work I have seen the good, the bad and the ugly of life in elite sport. The one thing I want to make sure of is that he also has a career path apart from playing sport or even after playing sport. Too many athletes come undone when their competitive career comes to a halt, sometimes a screeching halt! And let’s face it, sporting careers are short, even the best of them. So he is also looking at studying Sports Science (surprise!) and, at this stage at least, he is most interested in Physiotherapy or Psychology. We’ll see. One day at a time. He’s doing his subject selections for College at the moment. Your daughter would be doing the same wouldn’t she SH? Does she know what she wants to do yet? And your son, what will he be studying?

The only other ‘career’ my son has ever shown an interest in, besides sport, is in being a Knight!! Yes, I do mean Knight as in King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, the Knights Templar and all. He was extremely disappointed years ago when I told him that, unfortunately, the demand for Knights in the workplace had sort of dwindled in recent times, like since let’s say, the Middle Ages! Then one day he came home from school in Year 7 and asked me what he would have to do to become the Pope?! He said that if he became the Pope, he would ‘organise a few new Crusades’ and then there would be a need for Knights wouldn’t there?...Eeer I s’pose, yeah! I guess! His thinking was simple. If the demand is not there, create it! Apparently they had been learning about the Crusades in school and he just saw an opportunity...

SH-2600 · ‎17-08-2020

Hi Timshel and Tim

Tim, from what I have learned of you so far, you have had a number of experiences that have been problematic at best and perhaps caused some damage to you, particularly as they accumulate. But despite, or in spite, of it all you have a lovely heart, and I value your friendship on here. You have given so much of yourself and I appreciate it.

Timshel, I completely agree with you in your response to Tim about his teacher/s. The thing I have really come to understand is that there is an explanation behind all behaviour, kids and adults. That includes difficult behaviours or behaviours that lead to success. In the case of difficult behaviours, bullying and belittling, there is always (or so far in my experience), an explanation, not an excuse, but an explanation for those behaviours. Understanding the “why” is really important when managing those behaviours in kids, and when dealing with adults when they dish out those behaviours to others (kids or adults). Any of those negative behaviours say a lot about the person displaying them.

Timshel, your son! Wow! To get to where he is takes more than talent, he must already have determination and motivation by the truck load. And he must love it. Your answer to “which code” was correct, by the way!! The town I grew up in was AFL central. (And a correction to my post, the population of my hometown is 500 not 200 - typo, although it is fair to say I was probably related to 200 of them). Giants are my second favourite team, Geelong my first. I so hope he reaches his dream, it is a tough road, but there are a lot who make it. Having sports science as a back up career would keep him in industry. You must be really proud of him. I really do love his ingenuity too. Creating the demand for knights is genius! He could do well in marketing and business too.

My daughter is doing subject selections for college too. She is very interested in studying forensic sciences when she finishes, so she is looking at science subjects and legal studies. My son has been accepted into a double degree in economics and psychology. He loves economics (weird I know!) and is quite good at maths, so he loves all of the modelling and predicting. He is interested in behavioural economics too, hence the psych component.

My daughter has always been motivated and just gets things done. My son has only become self-motivated this year. I does have a lot to do with maturity. I would make a fortune if I could bottle it and sell it!

SH-2600 · ‎17-08-2020

Hey Timshel, I have been meaning to ask you this for a while, but keep running out of characters! I like the band Mumford and Sons and was wondering whether your name on here has a link to their song Timshel. There is a line in the song, “we are not alone in this” or something like that. It seems appropriate.

Also, I hope your counselling session goes well this week. I will be thinking of you.

SH

smallwolf · ‎17-08-2020

Hi,

My journey to this point has been is a very slow decline. Some small does little damage. But when you have many things over the period of a life time (to date) they all add up into something much larger. And things get worse when you are isolated from society, and have little knowledge of self-care. When things happen slowly you just regard them as a normal part of life. Then something happens - the (proverbial/cliche) straw that breaks the camel's back happens and you find yourself dealing with ....

Before Covid my daughter swam national open water events. This is her last year in high school and looking to do business at Uni. You both have talented kids! My son started a sports/science degree 2 years ago and didn't like it and now doing fitness certificates and swim coaching. He was competitive until a sleeping issue got in the way of that dream.

I will let you in on a little secret - I finished my diploma on Sunday just past. It was my last prac. 🙂

Tim

Timshel · ‎18-08-2020

SH, just like you, I don’t believe in fate. But there have been times in my life when the Universe seems determined to challenge me on that belief! ‘Meeting’ you is one of those times. You always seem to be on my wavelength, always.

Timshel is indeed a reference to the Mumford and Sons song of the same name. I have always loved that song, not just for its’ beautiful lyrics and melody but for its’ ‘homage’ to the John Steinbeck novel East of Eden. I don’t know if you are familiar with the work, but is is essentially a ‘retelling’ of the biblical story of Cain and Abel, the 2 sons of Adam and Eve from the Garden of Eden. Through the book the reader is introduced to the concept of Timhsel, a Hebrew word meaning ‘Thou Mayest’, the thinking behind which is that, as humans, we all make choices when it comes to how we live our lives. Just as our human frailties will cause us to make mistakes, to screw up time and time again, so will our conscience continuously afford us the opportunity to make amends, to change our behaviour and make better choices going forward. But just as ‘Thou Mayest’ ‘Thou Mayest Not’. We can either choose to learn from our mistakes or we can choose to continue with the same behaviour and be doomed to repeating the same mistakes over and over again. The choice is ours to make. For me, the word Timshel speaks to the idea of renewal, continuous renewal. No matter how much we mess up in life, no matter how many times we get things wrong, we will always be given another chance, an opportunity to learn and to change, to make different choices, to make better choices. When you know better you do better!

Everytime I listen to the song it seems to resonate more me. The words take on added meaning. ‘You are not alone in this, no you are not alone in this, together (as brothers) we will stand and we’ll hold your hand, hold your hand’. Just recently I was listening to it and I thought of you and the trauma that you suffered all those years ago at the hands of those men who saw you as fair game. ‘They may steal your innocence but they will not steal your substance’. And they haven’t, SH. You are still you, perhaps an even stronger version of you, a more compassionate version of you, a more loving and caring version of you because of what you have been through.

Marcus Mumford is a genius songwriter. His solo performance at the One Love concert in Manchester a couple of years ago in honour of those impacted by the Manchester bombing is simply stunning.

Timshel · ‎18-08-2020

Hey Tim,

Well done you! Bloody well done you! I get the impression that you are a humble man but I hope you allow yourself just a little self-indulgence at this time. You should be proud.

You, too, have talented kids. Open water swimming is not for the faint hearted. Your daughter must be one tough young woman. And fit! But Australia does have a reputation for producing incredible open water swimmers. Incredible swimmers full stop! It must be something in water. Pun absolutely intended! I hope she enjoys her Business Course. This is a tough year to be a Year 12 student. I hope she has coped as well as can be expected.

I’m not sure how my son will like studying Sports Science either. I also have a nephew who tried it but switched after a couple of years. At least there are always other options available. And I guess they never know until they try right?

Again, many congrats on the Diploma. Keep safe and well in these trying times.

smallwolf · ‎18-08-2020

Luckily daughter can still go to school. Her major worry was the formal! She does well at school otherwise.

All I ask for from my kids is honesty. And as far as work is required... As long as they do something they enjoy.

Thanks for your kind words. Will prolly celebrate a little more when I get the paperwork! Things happened on the Sun and Mon to put a downer on how I felt.

Timshel · ‎18-08-2020

Hi Tim,

I’m sorry to hear that things happened on the Sunday and Monday that put a downer on how you were feeling at having finished your Diploma. Try and put those negative happenings into a seperate place in your head if you can so that they don’t impact on the feeling of achievement you definitely deserve to have regarding your Diploma. I say this as if it were easy which I absolutely know it is not. I, myself, have trouble compartmentalising seperate areas of my life. But I still think it can be a worthwhile skill to perfect because, so often, in our lives, the bad and the good things happen at the same time and, more often than not, the feelings we have about the bad stuff override the feelings we have about the good stuff. It just doesn’t seem fair. It has become increasingly important for me over the years to try and reconcile and be comfortable with the fact that good and bad can and does co-exist side by side in the same space as it were. Just because you feel bad about one thing doesn’t mean you can’t feel good about another. It may be challenging but it is possible. For example, when I first started browsing through these forums, I was in a very negative headspace with regard to my life’s circumstances. I hadn’t yet started the necessary steps towards improvement. But before long, even though my circumstances hadn’t necessarily changed a great deal yet, I looked at them through a different lens and felt better about dealing with them because of the feelings of solidarity and support I experienced from people in the BB community. I felt ‘lighter and happier’ in general and that impacted the way I looked at any negative stuff in my life. I guess, in referring back to a metaphor you once used in one or more of your posts, the mountain in front of me gradually seemed easier to climb, reaching the summit seemed more achievable. And, even if I never actually reach the summit or I constantly have to change paths, I am more mindful of the journey itself, more aware of the landscape and view which surrounds me right now and more grateful for those who keep me company along the way. New friends I have come to know.

So when you get that paperwork, let me know and I will raise a glass with you to celebrate!

Your kids are lucky to have a Dad like you. You have your priorities right when it comes to what is really important.

I hope your daughter definitely does get to have her formal at some stage, I mean there are some things which are sacred.....

SH-2600 · ‎18-08-2020

Hi Tim,

What a great achievement! Congratulations on finishing your diploma. I truly hope that you can find a way to celebrate despite other events. I will definitely raise a glass to you too! I hope the other events have resolved themselves and you are at least feeling like they are manageable. It is tough when things combine and build on each other. They become so hard to shake off, they remind you of other difficult things in your life and they suck joy out of more positive moments. Remember that you have come a long way, you are here, (and you now have your diploma)! You have talked of feeling isolated but I hope you can feel supported here too.

And your kids are so bloody talented too! You have raised these amazing people. I think this group of yr12 kids have really missed out on the whole final year of school experience. It makes me sad but I have My fingers crossed for the formal!

Take care of yourself, Tim.

smallwolf · ‎18-08-2020

Hi and thanks to both of you. I may as well tell you what happened on Sun... And when you read this remember I work in IT, had provided instructions, has impossible expectations on self, self critical. Here goes...

I was doing the last prac so did not go to church to do the live streaming of a church service. There are many people in the parish are in the high risk category. A number of things went wrong. I found out when people asked me (messenger and phone calls) what was happening and I was having a day off. So I sent a message to those looking after the streaming and told the problem was X. After the day was over I had a sms chat with someone else and was given the list of things that went wrong. Most of the issues that occured were in the documents I wrote!

However... stupid me.... I can blame myself for everything going wrong. I can make up reasons quite easily. I also told myself that it was good from them. So now I have this conversation in my head. That conversation ended with "your fault - the instructions must have missed something" and "sucked in for them! bout time that learned to troubleshoot!" Then about midday on Mon I was told they only missed the first 15min!!!

I spoke about this today with my psychiatrist and talked it through. A problem feels like a boulder on the scales and a win then has the weight of a pebble. Something that has been with me since my teens.

The things I have to sort out is ... getting out of the BTh I was in the middle of. And then there is the IT position I want out of.

I am a work in progress!