Female in a hetero marriage, asexual and in love with same sex friend

[SH-2600]

I need to talk and get this all out of my head. I have been in a hetero relationship for 29 years and have known nothing else. I loved my husband but have never been in love. I have always thought of myself as being close to asexual, but strongly felt that this was something I needed to fix, that “normal” people want to have sex. I require a close intimate emotional connection to even consider physical/sexual intimacy. My husband and I have always managed this quite well, and although our relationship is not as conventional as some, we definitely had a good close partnership up until the last 2-3 years. We have 2 children in their late teens. This year, things seem to have shifted a lot. We have drifted from each other a bit and our friendship that underpinned our relationship has started to erode. He is struggling with work, life, sense of purpose and says he is unhappy and lonely. Adding to this, I am now questioning my sexual identity again. There is a woman who is the only woman I have ever had romantic thoughts about. She has been in and out of my life over the years, for a range of reasons to do with both of us, mental health issues, distance, readiness for emotional intimacy etc. this year however, after the death of a very close friend of mine, she has come back into my life and we have grown incredibly close. We saw each other recently for the first time in 6 years. We are both now ready for an emotionally intimate friendship and we spent 3 days together talking and getting closer. I am in love with her. She loves me very deeply but it is entirely platonic from her perspective. She is married to a man who has taken a significant amount of her mental health from her and from her kids, but she loves him and will never leave him. She seems to have flicked a switch in me and I know for sure that I want to be with her, but that is not something that will ever happen. I also have my primary relationship with my husband that is falling apart. I am feeling overwhelmed since coming home from the time with my friend, everything is so pale in comparison to being with her. Rightly though, she has switched her focus back to her life, and I am finding that incredibly difficult. I am also wondering if this year is a year for any big decisions because it has been a shocker on all levels. I am afraid to run from the life that my husband and I have built and I am afraid of continuing to deny myself and who I am. I am struggling. SH

[SH-2600]

Hey Timshel

I think that my kids are either very good at hiding stuff, or they are very boring! They talk about friends doing stupid things, and there is alcohol and drugs around, but I think they are mostly sensible, or I am oblivious. But it saves me having to come up with lectures and obscure consequences. My son is 18 now, so my job there is done! My daughter is just starting to find a bit of rebellion, but it is so far pretty tame. I will keep an eye out for home tattoo kits now though! I definitely think you should make good use of the kit for yourself.

Turning 50 prompts a lot of looking back, which is not always helpful! I find regret one of the toughest feelings to shake. Going back to uni and having a career change in my 40s helped as that was one thing ticked off at least. My sense of urgency is focused very sharply on wanting things to mean something, to be significant. The time you spent travelling sounds absolutely life changing. You have had some incredible experiences.

I really love that poem, I hadn’t read it before. I need to add the coast to my list as well, and oh, mountain streams/creeks/rivers. I love the coast in winter, especially. We did get Born Free here and I loved it too. I grew up with lots of pets and animals. My brother was always adopting injured native birds. We had a magpie who lived with us for a long time. My Grandfather always had half wild/ half pet animals and birds, much to my grandmother’s annoyance. He adopted carpet snakes that he found to keep mice out of the grain sheds, he even had a kangaroo living with them for a couple of years. There was always something. I love birds. I love the huge variety that come in to our backyards here. We even have a couple of quite tame magpies who hang out in the yard. They love it when I am digging in the garden, although I have to push them out the way sometimes!

I walk most days on the hill near our house. The birds and plants change from season to season, and the light is a little different each day. The views of the Brindabellas are lovely and they change colours constantly. I like being able to focus on all the small things, and I think knowing a natural place well helps to do that. It also contributes to the maintenance of my mental health. It is cheaper than a psych too!

I managed about 6 hours sleep last night, not quite unbroken, but it is a decent amount of sleep in a difficult sleep phase like I am in at the moment. How did you go with your sleep?

SH

[smallwolf]

Sleep ideas... This is what works/worked for me - I don't have coffee after 4. I also try to empty my brain of things I am worrying about before I go to sleep. That is be a puzzle, guided meditation or similar. If I decide to read in bed, I use relax melodies to layer sounds ... so I can imagine I am in a forest with a small fire, and raindrops etc. Get transported to another place.

Black / White / Gray ... I had/have black and white thinking. Something is either X or not X. If someone is right, then I must be wrong. Rather than there being a sliding scale, it is either 1 or 0. If I am not better I am still ill. I am much today at dealing with these thoughts. But I can never give anything a 0 or 10/10. Things can always get better or worse than this moment.

On the color gray ... it is also the color of fog that hides what is underneath, it is no color, ambiguous. And perhaps these are all the negative connotations.

The what ifs are questions and problems to be solved. So that you have answers and can hopefully plot your direction in perhaps a controlling manner. Your next step forward is not into the unknown but...

But in term of thinking and perhaps because of a computing background, black and white thinking is easy.

[Timshel]

Hi SH and Tim,

I got about 6 hrs sleep as well. It’s not enough. Tim, I also think meditation is a great tool to have in your toolbox when it comes to sleep and for relaxation in general. I practised it for many years having taken some courses with some Tibetan monks here in Canberra and also the Sri Chimnoy group. At one stage I was practicing Tai Chi as well and, I have to say, I did feel better overall, sort of like I was floating on air. I walked slower, I talked slower and my thoughts seemed to flow through my mind at a slower rate. In other words, I was more mindful of everything I did. It took a while and a lot of practice for me to get really good at it but it did pay dividends in the end. It’s like opening an investment account for your health. The benefits build up a little at a time. Once I got over my initial impatience (and my failure to levitate ..?!) and surrendered to the process, I really did get value out of it. I let it slip amidst the turmoil of the last few years, but I am going to take your lead and start doing it again. I still use the breathing techniques I learned to calm myself down when I get anxiety. SH have you tried meditation?

I, too, like to walk up the hill behind where we live each day and love the wildlife I encounter there. You’re right, Canberra does have amazing birdlife, some all year round and some seasonal. There is nothing more beautiful than a magpie’s call on a frosty Winter’s morning. I have to say that one of the things I do like about Canberra, besides the wildlife, is the climate. I love having 4 distinct seasons. Autumn is my favourite. A few years back, I used to go walking very early in the morning. You can imagine my surprise when one morning, about half way up the track, I came across a guy practicing his trumpet (probably got kicked out of the house!). Far from seeming out of place, he blended into the environment beautifully. He was playing Rodrigo’s Concerto de Aranjuez and it was sublime. And as if that wasn’t enough, his audience were a mob of kangaroos all standing on their hindquarters completely intrigued by the performance. It was surreal!

We used to live on a property outside Canberra and I got to know all the wildlife there personally from the Roos to the snakes to the birds. Plus, in Springtime especially, there were the most amazing wildflowers from all the pea plants to the little wild orchids.

Your grandparents place sounds heavenly SH. Almost like a scene from a Durrell novel....

[SH-2600]

Hi Tim and Timshel

I have tried meditation a few times over the years, but have not yet mastered it. I can’t seem to get it and Weirdly, it makes me feel anxious. Clearly I am not doing right! I do use breathing techniques, and sometimes a mindfulness app. I use relaxing instrumental music as well. I find that better at slowing everything down for sleep. When it is bad I will also dim lights, shut down devices (ha!), take a warm shower half an hour or so prior to bed. That helps too, although it takes a week or so of being really strict. I feel better when I have everything working, but then it is so easy to slip out of the good habits, and stop doing the things you know you should be doing, especially when there are so many things going around in my head. Even if they are good things, I have trouble switching off. I would be very interested to hear how you go starting up again. Maybe I need to think about giving it another go.

I love Canberra’s 4 distinct seasons too. Autumn is also my favourite, followed by winter. I love that story about the trumpeter, how beautiful. Our backyard magpies are ratbags and serenade at our back door very loudly, every morning, until we come out to feed the dog! They are partial to dog biscuits. The dog meanwhile is curled up in his bed inside, not at all ready to face the frosty morning.

Tim, if I didn’t already know you were in IT, your use of binary numbers may have given you away! There are positives and negatives to thinking black, white or grey. I think there is more room in the grey, but also more difficulty and challenge. I think black and white is simpler, but it can be uncompromising. I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but the statement “if I am not better, I am still ill”, is an example of that. It made me realise that we all need to give ourselves a break sometimes and realise how far we have all come.

I personally find the colour grey relaxing. There is no “noise” attached to it. Speaking of grey and fog.The absolute best thing about being a teacher of younger kids is that they remind you to look at things in multiple ways. I took them outside on a very foggy morning a couple weeks ago to collect ideas to write some poetry. They see things quite differently, and their focus is on things that you don’t expect. Some kids described the grey-white fog as creepy, some as quiet and peaceful, some as beautiful and some of the poems were about the dirt and the rocks! There was even one about the fence!

SH

[Timshel]

Grey as a colour for me has a sense of mystery attached to it. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s a bit like the fog scenario. Not knowing what you will see when the fog lifts or when you walk into the fog.

Beige, now there’s an ambiguous colour ......

Your kids sound wonderful SH. Actually, I think my boy is pretty sensible too when it comes to drugs and alcohol. He has just started going to a few parties but doesn’t seem to be too interested in doing anything to excess. He takes his sport way too seriously and would like to make it at a professional level one day so abusing his body is not high on his list of priorities, at least for now.

O wait, there is that small matter of the DIY Tattooing...

By the way SH, if you ever do want to get that second tattoo done, I have a family member who can do it for free! And he’ll even throw in a year’s free pooper scooping.....not that he’s going too well in that department. ‘It’ was supposed to clean up the dog poos this morning but ‘It’ came in saying ‘It’ couldn’t see any. Funny that, I went out not long after and saw dog poos galore! I think I’ll have to organise an eye test for him with the Doc as well as a blood test! The poor boy must be vision impaired! Mind you he played a good game of footy this morning for someone with a vision impairment.....

Just like you SH, I hate living with regret. HATE IT! And there is so much regret associated with the last 10 or so years of my life. So many things I wish I could redo, so many decisions I wish I could retake, so many things I wish I’d said or not said. I know you can only keep looking forward but it still makes me soooo mad! I wish I had a time machine!

How is your marriage counselling going? And the homework? Are you and your husband spending any more quality time together trying to reconnect as friends or on an emotional level? Is it working at all? Why did you pull away in the first place if you don’t mind me asking? You said that you had a pretty close relationship up until about 3 years ago. Your friend wasn’t really in your life again until February right? So your feelings for her hadn’t resurfaced before then? Do you think you would still be in this predicament even if you hadn’t ever met or even reconnected with her?

We have another marathon session with the counsellor and chihuahua this week.

Do you ever go back to your home town? Are you still close to anyone there? Family or friends?

Timshel

[SH-2600]

Timshel, I just love your sense of humour! So much. Your son sounds lovely too. It sounds like he is a pretty talented footballer. Which code? I hope he reaches his goals. My son got an early entry offer to ANU this week, so he is pretty happy. honestly if a diy tattoo, or in my daughter’s case a few additional ear piercings, is the worst they get up to, then we are all winning as parents. What was the tattoo/s of by the way? If it is any good I may just take you up on the free tattoo offer! Unfortunately, I can relate to the selective blindness in teens. It seems to be an epidemic. Mine have bench blindness, which relates to the inability to see that there are items on the kitchen bench that should go in the dishwasher/recycling/back in the cupboard etc!

The thing I like about humans, not just kids, is that we do all see things differently. Beige is an odd colour, though, I am not keen on it.

Regret!! I get it, I really do. It is a (insert swear word)!! If I could give you that time machine, Timshel, I would. I would ride it with you and we could wipe the damn floor with mental illness and regret! There is so much that you have had to deal with. Things you didn’t deserve, but managed and kicked on through anyway. The learning to get by and the skills you need takes time, I don’t know why we can’t just pick it up quickly, but the long process of learning one thing and then another seems to be necessary. I don’t believe in fate or that things happen for a reason, but I know that we would be different people without those experiences and choices, and not necessarily better people. We would not meet the people we meet along the way. We would not have the understandings that we do. I didn’t know you before a couple of weeks ago, but I really like who you are now, and I feel so very grateful for you right now! I am sending you a hug too, a tight one.

I will come back tomorrow about the counselling and your question about my hometown.

Sleep well Timshel, and Tim if you are reading this tonight.

SH

[smallwolf]

On the time machine... Putting aside the impossibility of it, the issue I have is there is no guarantee things would be better had I made different decisions years ago. If only I had done that, I wouldn't be here and things would be ...

Always like to think that life would be better if we didn't do X or Y in our past.

Accepting our past can be difficult. I spoke about this once with my psychologist. Even if I could tell the teachers that made me feel so stupid in front of classes, it would not change a thing. Now I will talk of persistence instead

Kintsugi is a Japanese art of fixing broken objects with gold or similar. The cracks are celebrated, making the object more precious, unique and stronger. Look at yourselves in the same way.

Good night and sweet dreams

[SH-2600]

Hi Timshel,

We have another counselling session tomorrow. The homework is going ok, there is certainly a lot less tension and strain in the house. I wouldn’t say we are exactly reconnecting yet, but it is easier. I am actually feeling a bit resistant, but I am not sure why. We had a bit of a deeper conversation today on a walk about what has changed in our relationship. I think I pulled away because I was changing. It is hard to quantify, but there has been a change in my skin, or a shift in my shape, or my guts are different, or something (I mean all of that metaphorically, although ageing results in a literal change in these things too!!). I feel like all of that change happened within me, but it occurred outside of our relationship, he wasn’t really a part of it. Some of that change relates to sexuality, but only some of it. My friend was still on my mind, even if she wasn’t in my life, and the questions were definitely still there. Those changes in me left a gap in our relationship. I talked about this with him (minus the sexuality bit). He feels that affection is missing, it always has been, but he feels he is needing it more now. I don’t know what to do about that at all. Tied up in all of this, is my difficulty with some men and their behaviours toward women, the unease that I feel sometimes around certain men, and the strong belief that world isn’t quite right yet when it comes to male/female interactions, equality etc. while my husband definitely supports these views, he thinks it makes it harder for me to feel affection for him, but at the same time he doesn’t want me to be something I am not. I am still thinking about this one.

My friend (I'll refer to her as N) asked me the same question about whether I would be in the same predicament if we weren’t back in contact. I think the short answer is yes, although my love for her would be less at the forefront. My marriage issues and sexuality questions would still be there. About month after my other friend (I will refer to her as E) passed away, my husband told me he was unhappy and lonely. I think he was responding to the closeness and love I shared with E, (it was purely platonic). I am not sure what it would look like if N and I had never met though. I feel like she truly flicked a switch, there hasn’t been any other woman who has done that. But maybe there would have been?

Do you still feel you are beginning to reconnect with your husband? That things are improving there too?

SH

[SH-2600]

Tim,

Your experiences at school break my heart. Some people should not be in the teaching profession. Those belittling behaviours that you experienced say way more about the teacher than you the student. Unfortunately kids don’t have the experience to understand that and it does damage. Also, I am all for celebrating the cracks! I love the idea behind Kintsugi. Most of the time I think I understand that regret is futile, but sometimes it just gets its hooks into you.

Timshel,

I don’t get back to my home town much these days. Unfortunately, mostly it is for funerals. I no longer have close family there as my parents retired to the south coast after selling the farm and my brother and his family left soon after. All my aunts and uncles live in nearby towns though, and I visit them semi-regularly, often passing through my hometown. I have a lot of second and more distant cousins there, who I grew up with. My family on both sides have been there for a few generations, so there are plenty of more distant family connections still there. It is a bit odd, most people don’t have the experience of so much extended family, so close. It was lovely in so many ways, especially having all of my grandparents and great aunts, aunts and uncles, cousins etc so close. Although, I always felt a little different, like I didn’t quite belong the way everyone else did, but at the same time no one ever made feel that, it was just something I felt within me. I moved away to go to uni just before I turned 18. It is a really small town (about 200 people), so I had to travel to a larger centre for high school too. I still have a strong sense of the town being the place I came from, and I definitely feel a strong attachment to the place.

What was your experience like? Were you able travel back to Europe much after coming to Australia? What country did you grow up in? I know you have lost your parents (I am so sorry, I am thinking you would have really felt the distance from home at that time) and your sister is in Dubai, but are there other friends and family still overseas for you?

SH

[Timshel]

Hi there,

Oh Tim! It’s hard to believe any teacher worth their salt would try and make a young school child feel stupid, but it does happen. I think in the minds of some teachers (or even parents and other authority figures), making a child feel like they aren’t smart enough or trying hard enough is a ‘strategy’ they employ to try and motivate them into making more of an effort or aiming higher in order to unleash their full potential. Like a metaphorical ‘kick up the ass’. But it’s a very flawed ‘strategy’ in my opinion. Whilst there may be a small minority who respond to this sort of treatment by getting their backs up and adopting the “I’ll show you” attitude, I think the majority of students respond better to encouragement and praise. I know I always did. If a teacher were to praise my effort but at the same time give me some constructive ideas on how I could improve on it next time, I would always respond better than if a teacher criticised my work outright. Or if they encouraged me to try harder and focus more because they knew I had more ability than I’d shown, I always lifted my game because I wanted to reward their belief in me. I think that adults and children alike grow more confident in their own abilities and therefore perform better when they receive encouragement rather than criticism. But some people really do believe that you have to constantly criticise people in order to make them try harder and keep improving. We probably need to forgive people and teachers like this. They just don’t know any better. Maybe it’s the way they were treated themselves. It could even just be their own insecurities playing out. I think often it is. And insecure people, in positions of ‘authority’, can turn into bullies! You are a smart, intelligent, insightful and knowledgeable man,Tim. A teacher, a student, an enthusiastic observer of life, a contributor. A husband, a father, a friend. If only those teachers could see you now!

SH, you must be proud of your son. It must be a big weight off a young man’s shoulders to receive an early offer to Uni, especially given the year that’s been. Although in a previous post you did allude to the fact that this year has been the making of him in some ways. You said you used to have to use military style interventions to make him submit his work on time but that Covid and studying from home had somehow turned him into a more organised, self-starter type? Well that and more maturity hormones? Can you buy them on eBay?