Engaged and confused

[Mack_]

Hello, 

I'm a 26 yo female, and in a serious relationship with a male. We got engaged 6 months ago, and honestly I am so happy. I would be devastated if anything were to happy between us.

The issue is, I've always had crushes on girls - never really acted on them though and never dated a female. But have had some intense feelings (emotionally and physically) towards females.

Last year I went on contiki with my fiancé and really let loose. I stopped taking my antidepressants for 8 weeks (duration of the trip) and just honestly had the time of my life! No reality, no bills, literally NO STRESS!!

So, I Ended up making out with a few girls and let out my curiosities, my partner was aware I had kissed these girls but was confused also. I very briefly explained it (I'm terrible with speaking my emotions for fear of everything) was just fun and I have always been more pansexual I guess than actually in to a specific gender. He was okay with it - I guess he figured it was "a phase" because I kind of shrugged it off. However, this past weekend I met up with a few of the girls from that trip, and there's been one girl I'm into since the trip - she's so different, and I feel like she's all the things I wish I could be (happy, comfortable within herself, hippy-like, no stress, no mortgage, no bills, open about her sexuality and thoughts etc etc) I stayed at her place and the entire weekend just wanted to act on my feelings. We've both (her and I) have felt intense sexual energy since the trip last year. Now I'm home, back to reality and don't know what to think. I can't tell anyone how I'm feeling because I fear it'll ruin my relationship with my fiancé whom I really love dearly and have a life set up with. I know it's normal to fantasize, and I really feel my "crush" on her is a fantasy and because I can't act on it, it's just intensifying it all. Obviously the fact she feels the same way and can openly speak about it, makes it really hard for me too. Is it just wanting something i can't have? Should I speak to my fiancé about my feelings? I don't know what to do and have no one to speak to about this. 

 Help or advice?? 

[geoff]

dear Mack, hello and thanks for posting to us.
I actually found what you have written as quite lovely, because of how you mentioned your situation, so at the moment you
are a cross road, not sure which way to go, or perhaps a little confused about what to do.
Going on a trip sounds great, no phones (landline), no letters and no harrassments, just relaxing and enjoying yourself,
with no bills coming in for you to worry about in those 8 weeks.
There's an old saying 'the grass is always greener on the other side', and I'm sure this happens with everyone and
doesn't matter about it is referring to.
At some stage in our life we find someone that we can totally connect with, and this doesn't matter if it's our best mate
or best girlfriend where we can talk to them about anything either good or bad, and this could include hugging or
kissing, however by having a sexual feeling for this girlfriend, may raise the bar and put your situation into another
category, where you are happy with your finance because you love him, but now you have sexual feelings for this girlfriend
where you are happy to be in her company in all ways, and don't forget that your finance said he didn't mind you kissing
her, so then who needs to know except for him and her, none of your family need not be involved and don't need to know, so keep
it quite, so when your finance may go away for work, then you can go and see your girlfriend, as vice-versa.
No one can stop you feeling this way and if they try then they are interfering with your life.
Don't put yourself into the category of feeling ashamed or guilty. Geoff. x

[Paul]

Hey Mack,

Welcome.

Sexuality can be such a wonderful thing, but so difficult to navigate sometimes! You mentioned being pansexual, for some people, reaching a way to define themselves and be comfortable whether it is being open and honest with themselves or out and proud, it is a hurdle for most. The fact you have jumped that hurdle is amazingly good.

As Geoff said, sometimes the grass is greener, especially if we have been in a relationship for a while and something new and exciting comes along. But we get used to being in our yard with our grass because it's familiar and lovely and comfortable and we love it. If we moved in to the greener yard, in time it would be lovely and comfortable and who's to say that there wouldn't be a greener yard? My point is that there is always going to be someone out there who is apparently better than what we have but this is only part of the story.

Being pansexual means that you are happy with any gender as a lover. So in this situation it means that it's not that you don't want a male partner it's that you really find another person intriguing sexually and you've also said that she is all the things you wish you could be. Is there a clue there as to why you find her so intriguing and how you have arrived at feeling sexual chemistry? 

Do you think that if you had a conversation with your Fiance you'd be able to explain pansexuality and what it means to you and what it means to him? It might lead to a discussion that you find the other girl attractive. Where do you think a discussion like this might lead - assuming you were relaxed and felt comfortable expressing yourself?

What do you think?

Please know that you have us to "talk" to as you can post on here at any time.

Take care, hope to hear back soon.

Paul xx

[Mack_]

Hello Geoff, 

firstly, Thankyou for listening and Thankyou for your kind words. I feel less alone in this confusing journey. 

I feel like I'm unsure if it I let it happen just once, would it actually be just once.. Or would it feed the feelings and make me want more. I do this. Not only with people but everything. I suffer OCD, so I get fixated on this extremely easily. 

I thought I'd gotten over my feelings and been really happy with just having a friendship with her, and so had she. But since the weekend, I just wanted to take it further - thankfully didn't. I'm not one to cheat, I'm actually very loyal for friends, lovers and family. 

 I just don't know if I should talk to my fiancé, or leave it go for a bit and see if the feelings dimmer. She loves on the other side of the country. So it's not like I'll see her every weekend or even every month.

[Mack_]

Hello Paul, 

thankyou for your response. You raise a valid point... Maybe I feel like I'm envious of her life and the way she lives... So I live vicariously through her? 

I'm not sure how the conversation would go. He handled it well after I'd kissed those girls.. But now that feelings are involved I feel guilty. I feel like I'm emotionally cheating. I'm not leading her on, we've just been speaking of our feelings. And I'm not sure if I were to allow something to happen between the female and myself would it resolve anything.. My curiosities or whatever, or would it just screw everything up more. 

 one very confused being. 

[Paul]

Hey Mack,

Thanks for your reply, I hope you're OK and that you know it's OK to be confused. Sometimes we've just got to lay on the ocean, relax and go with the movement and waves - just like emotions, sometimes we've got to pretend they are the waves and swell.

An interesting thing that I do when there is too much happening and I'm confused is to let thoughts and feelings come and go, but not let them enter my mind. I just hold them and look at them, give them a name like "that's fear" or "that's guilt" or "That guy was everything I wanted in a man". The difficult but powerful part of this is keeping the thoughts and feelings out there to look at. Once I am comfortable that they exist but they haven't entered my mind I have a stupid orange pouch I put them in. This exercise takes a bit of practice, but it helps a lot when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I wonder if you'd like to give it a go. It's not ignoring how you feel, it's a great way to acknowledge how you feel and then diffuse the emotions.

In closing you said that even if you allowed something to happen between the female and yourself you aren't sure if it would resolve anything or just screw things up. I can imagine that if you are feeling guilty now about being attracted to her, that if something happened you might feel worse especially now that feelings are involved.

Perhaps a decision needs to be made as to whether the cost to your emotional health and the potential damage to your relationship with your fiance is worth continuing with contact with this woman. Could it be that this kind of decision needs to be made?

Paul xx

[Mack_]

Hello Paul, 

thabkyou for for your response, I really appreciate you listening. 

i like that method of coping, I'm still in practice mode, and have been for a year, but getting better. Thabkyou for the reminder to keep going with it though because it's helpful. 

 unfortunately I think the friendship needs to fizzle.. I don't want it to, at all because I think she's so great and fun. But maybe just for a little bit even.. Until we both become more stable in our lives.. It's tough. I've just lost a friend, I don't want to lose another when I don't have many to begin with anyway 😑 I seem to always somehow screw things up. I'm like a puppy that needs affection and attention and if someone shows that to me I take it as flirting. It causes issues a lot. 

I guess I need to decide what's more important. 

Thankyou for your input and help, you've helped me unravel all the layers. Best of luck with your future, always here to chat x 

[Paul]

Hey Mack

Glad to hear you're feeling a bit clearer. I understand about someone paying attention - I'm like that too!

Try to remember that we're not perfect and we're always working on staying well and learning ourselves. A key ingredient in that is being kind to yourself. No judgement!

Take good care.

Drop by again and let us know how things are going!

Paul

[Mack_]

Hello Paul, 

 I hope your day went well. 

Today I heard from her. She wants space, I asked for how long because regardless of what has happened over the past week, her friendship is more important to me than anything else. I've opened up to her, as has she wth me. We get along well and learn things from each other all the time. But anyway, She said a year. I thought she was joking.. But apparently not. This upset me, I've only recently lost a best friend and still don't know why, and I'm not ready to lose another.

I'm well aware I'm the reason for this and have no one else to blame. But she seems to think I'm not thinking clearly and need to realise in suppressing my emotions. It's complicated, and I don't know who to open up to in my real life. Maybe just my psych, I'd love to talk to my fiancé about it, but I'm terrified he'll freak and will feel like he's not enough. 

So now I've lost another friend, I iust don't want to suffer this pain. I don't like this at all. I'm tired of screwing up. 

[geoff]

dear Mack, by having OCD would only make this whole situation much more difficult for you.
It seems as though she maybe just thinking that she wants someone for herself, which now leaves you undecided and
would be even more confusing for you. Geoff. x