Crossroads. Which way to go

TRicky34 · ‎09-10-2014

HI, A friend put me onto this site, said it might help to let it out and chat with people who might be going through or have some advice on what I'm going through. I'm 34 M and currently completely and utterly confused about my sexuality, to be honest I have been for about 10 years now. I have had multiple girlfriends, but never had a M-M relationship except for the physical. I'm pretty messed up because I'm emotionally and sexually attracted to woman, but sexually attracted to men as-well and the thought of being in a relationship with another male doesn't feel right, thought I'm happy with a physical one relationship (see, I'm messed up). My mind is doing a number on me and it's gotten to the point where at 34 years old, there are nights that I cry myself to sleep, or lock myself in my house and not go anywhere because i believe people "know" when they look at me, lately I've begun to snap at friends, insult work colleagues, and begun being rude to everyone, friends and family included (believe me this is totally out of character). The other week I hit rock bottom and friends/family took turns calling me on the hour every hour to make sure I hadn't done anything "silly". A few friends have told me to try dating a guy and see how it goes, but my concern is that when I do date someone of the same sex, and say, down the line, it doesn't work out and I realize that a relationship with a M isn't going to work, how will the rest of the world perceive me if I decide to date a woman again. To allot of people it's either black or white, yes or no, straight or gay, there is no in-between. My perception is that it's easier for a woman (and I honestly mean no offence here) to try out a F-F relationship and it's OK to go back to a F-M relationship if that doesn't work out, but no one would believe a guy if they new he had been dating another guy and decided to go back to dating a woman. None of this probably makes any sense, and I apologize for that, the brain thinks, the hands type, and it gets muddle up somewhere in between.. I've been told I worry about what other people and what the "world" thinks instead of being myself. But It's so hard to explain to people what is going through my head.. But it's really messing me up atm.

A don't expect answers or miracle solutions, but just anyone with any advice would be appreciated..

white knight · ‎10-10-2014

Hi Tricky. welcome to beyond Blue forums

you mentioned "what will people of the world think" and "most people " and "black and white". These and other comments are your perception of what is important in your mind and it displays to me how out of whack your thinking is.

It is WHAT YOU FEEL this is important. Bi sexual - what is wrong with that??? you get double the chance to meet potential partners/close friends etc. What a master stroke!!!

You are TRicky, not others. The world is made up of mostly hetrosexual people but more and more people are discovering their own sexuality and that journey should be pursued eagerly and without EXPECTATIONS from others including yourself.

It will take time for you to figure yourself out, what you want in life in terms of partner etc. Seek love my friend, not worry about issues that will hinder your progression.

This is a clear case of - stuff what the world think, buggar what others think. Do what you want and think and those that dont approve have no place in your life.

That my view. take care

geoff · ‎12-10-2014

dear Tricky, welcome to the site.

Your post seems as though you can't make up your mind on what sexual side you like, either male or female, this is entirely a decision which you will have to make, no one else can do it for you or talk you into either a heterosexual relationship or a male-male relationship, it does matter to you but if my sons had come home and said that they were gay, so what and would I care, no, because they have to be happy.

It's impossible to be in any sexual relationship that you don't want, no force or no persuasion will ever work, it has to be what you feel you want to have.

If you decide that you want both and become bi-sexual then so be it, where you may want to tell your partner, again that's your choice.

As you see there is a section on the list below where Lesbian, gay, bi, trans, or intersex is included, and so it should, and we do have people who post a comment from this section quite often, I wish more would, because you can't someone that they like the blue colour when they only like the red colour.

I hope that you can get back to us, you are safe here, but would like to hear from you. Geoff.

TRicky34 · ‎12-10-2014

Thanks White Knight, and Thank-you Geoff for your responses, it's greatly appreciated..

I get told allot everyday that I rely to much on what the world thinks, I wish it was just as easy to switch it off, but it's not. I try, but to no avail.

I have spoken to my family, and a few of my friends about my situation, something I thought I would never do. I was not surprised about the responses from them, all were very supportive of whichever course I chose, and all repeatedly told me that I am TRicky, and no matter what I chose I will always be TRicky to them,... I don't know why it's so imprinted on me that i should worry so much about what the rest of the world thinks. I mean it's not like someone half the world away would really care.

My parents will back me 100% but it's the confusion in my own mind that is messing with me atm. Either my heart disagrees with the head or the other way around. It changes daily..

I was so messed up about it the other week that I was in a very dark place. I believe I'm out of that place for the time being, but I worry that by over thinking this so much I'll go back there time and time again, but I cant help it 😞 I have friends who are trying to get me out and socialise but I cant seem to take a step outside of the house when it comes to that. Work, yes fine, go out for an evening though, and I think the whole world knows and is judging me. I leave within an hour if I get there at all..

Urgh.. I know my problems are insignificant compared to whats happening in the world these days, I'm just soo tired of letting this bring me down....