Confused

[Smithsons]

Hi all, I'm in a dark and confusing place. I just don't know what to do anymore. When I was in 7th grade, I developed a crush on the girl I sat next to. I'm a boy, 20 now. We both had crushes on each other and became close friends. In year 8, we started dating. Over the following years, we just became closer and closer, and fell more in love with each other. I know it sounds cheesy, but she was my everything.
When I was in High School, I noticed I was also attracted to men. I felt a bit like a coward for never opening up to her about it, but honestly, it just didn’t seem that important when I was with her. I just got so lost in the relationship I had with this girl, that me finding men attractive just didn’t seem an issue.
Eventually, the guilt of my sexuality was getting to me. When I was around her, thoughts like "if she knew the real you, she wouldn’t be with you, you robbed this girl of 6 years of her life” would paralyse me. I felt massive amounts of guilt and anxiety.
I came out to her a month ago as Bi. I told her because I wanted her to know me, down to my core. I also felt she deserved to know. She accepted me completely. She said it isn’t a big deal or a defining characteristic of who I am and that I’m still the same person she fell in love with.
Things are just different now. Most of the time when I see her, I still feel anxious, but no longer guilty. It just feels like something’s missing between us and we’re not connecting like we used to. I started hating myself and my life. I was irritable to everyone and doing regular things made me feel anxious. Sometimes I cried for no reason, and I've just felt down most of the time. Lately when I’m around her, it just doesn’t feel right, it feels like I shouldn’t be there and like the relationship just isn’t working.
When she went through depression last year, she tried breaking up with me five times. Since getting over her depression though, we became the happiest we’d been in our entire relationship. She tells me that now I’m depressed and that’s what’s making me feel this way, it isn’t how I really feel.
Sometimes when I’m with her, it feels like old times. Like nothing’s changed, and we click. But whenever this happens a voice just enters my head at some stage, telling me I’m only happy because I’m distracted and ignoring how I really feel. Am I depressed or is my relationship just ending? I don't get it, why does it feel like it should end, but then the idea of ending it upsets me so much?

[geoff]

dear Smithson, thanks for your honesty in opening up to us but you shouldn't feel guilty about disclosing to your girlfriend that you are bi, at first it may have been a surprise to her, but she had to know.

As we begin our life we have our beliefs and strategies that we assume will guide us through life, but as we get older these can certainly change, and no, we could never anticipate this or expect it to happen but it does unfortunately or fortunately in some cases.

How you feel is something that only you can decide on, and can never be manipulated by anyone else, but that's doesn't seem to be happening here.

When you love someone then that's who the both of you expect to be monogamous, but how your g/friend now feels as though she can't just have you, because you maybe tempted to going out with a male friend, so she is finding it difficult to share you with another person.

It would be no different if a girl loves a guy but the guy then has a relationship with another girl, so the circumstances are no different to being hetersexual or bi, if you look at it in general terms.

You can still love her there's nothing stopping you, and if she wants to keep you as a b/friend then that's a bonus, but if she wants to end this relationship and just wants a b/friend so it's on a one on one basis then you won't be able to stay with her, but you can still remain friends.

What seems to be the problem is that you are struggling with the thoughts of when you're with her, you feel as though you are doing her a disservice and that maybe you shouldn't be with her, but you shouldn't feel this way, if she can accept how you feel, then doing more than being friends will always stay, and nothing sexual would happen, but that's what friends are for, because as soon as a couple have sex then the relationship changes so much.

It's your decision whether you want to keep her as a friend and nothing more, because irrespective of what sexual feelings anyone has, the minds and friendship will still connect and can help each other through dificult times. Geoff.

[Smithsons]

Thank you for the reply, Geoff.

I'm just worried that what I'm going through isn't actually depression... Sometimes things are okay, and even good with her, but sometimes it's just the complete opposite, and I feel uncomfortable around her. What if I'm just losing feelings for this girl and I'm just too scared to go through life without her, since she's always been there.. I just don't know what's real anymore. Sometimes I feel I love her so much, other times I just honestly don't know.. 

[Paul]

Hey Smithsons,

Looks like you found the sexuality forums - welcome!

It seems from what you've written that there isn't a question of your sexuality nor is there a question of acceptance from you or your girlfriend. There seems to be a question of whether you sill want to be with her and some sort of struggle happening inside you - it's making you hate yourself, that's no good.

Sometimes we protect ourselves by only listening to the emotions or thoughts that aren't going to cause difficulties. Those thoughts or emotions try harder to emerge, but we suppress them harder. This then becomes a struggle that is more painful than the emotions and thoughts our mind is fighting.

It takes some courage and a quiet place to open up our mind and listen to what it needs to tell us. Yours says "You're only happy because you are distracted and ignoring how you really feel". Perhaps it's time to be open to the answers and ask yourself really gently what are you distracted from and how you really feel. In asking it's important to want to know the answer and it's really easy to get scared and close off before you're able to dig through some emotions and thoughts and find out. If you can try and stay open and quiet in your mind and let the things you feel tell you what the answer is. The things you feel might be confusing as you've discovered. That's OK, let the feelings be there, they can't hurt you, they're just feelings. If they lead to questions, as they have, gently explore the questions. Whatever the answers are, they are likely to be less painful than your mind fighting itself.

We're here if you need us and need to bounce some of the thoughts and feelings around, it's really helpful to write down these things even if you answer the questions as you write.

Paul

[Embracing_Tiger]

Hi Smithsons,

Welcome, welcome. 

I can hear that your situation is really affecting your life. Different feelings pulling you different ways and compounding the confusion and anxiety.

I disagree slightly with what geoff and lats have written previously. Emotions can hurt, they can hurt a lot. And it is not so simplistic as just deciding not to feel certain emotions. BUT you do have the  capacity to better handle of these emotions and how they impact your life. Talking therapies can help you develop this resilience. And a clinical psychologist can give you an objective assessment of whether you are experiencing a mood disorder (rather than your gf) and unpack the desires and fears that you are feeling. Each person's life experience is different, same as mood disorders. 

It is a beautiful thing that the two of you have been together for so long and supported each other. I find that talking about what's bothering me helps. Sharing how much that you value this relationship and also your fears, may help her understand what you're going through. It may also be an opportunity for you to better understand what's going on, helping you make a decision or to negotiate what you want to do moving forward. Like geoff wrote, there are lots of different types of relationships: monogamous, open, poly, etc. 

ET.