Conflicting thoughts in a sense, and gender identity issues

[SilverHair]

I'm 15, still in high school and I when I'm by myself I feel nothing. It's like I don't matter in the world and I can't be bothered to do anything so I stay in my room. But if I do that for too long I start becoming really sad and alone, and I start thinking really terrible things, like hurting people around me and harming myself in various ways just to see what it's like. And that's only a tiny bit of what I feel like/think. It can get a lot worse, but I never show anyone that side of me, because I want them to think that I'm ok and that I can help them while also keep my life on track. In reality I just know that I'm worthless, I don't deserve anything at all, and I always tell myself that even if something bad happened to me, not many people would care, and even those who did once will forget quickly about me.

I also have gender identity issues, which isn't actually making my life feel worse really, but in a way it does. I know that my best friend would accept me no matter what, she already accepts me even though I'm Demisexual/Possibly Panromantic which means everything to me. But my parents don't believe that a person can have no gender, and just be a person, which is what I think I am. I like being masculine but I wouldn't call myself a guy. Someone online once mentioned about neutrois gender I think that fits me, because I don't think I have a gender, and for some reason when I think of myself as Agender, it feels weird and wrong (Sorry if that's rude to Agender people).

I can't tell my family this because they have such high expectations of me. They want me to live a successful live and to be academically smart all because I was a 'genius' in primary school. And my brother also has lots of mental issues and that costs my family a lot of money for medication and I don't want to be more of a burden than I already am. I'll probably never tell them how I feel, but in some weird way I guess I'd by fine with that.

Once my best friend convinced me to go to the schools councillor, and I went for about 4 sessions till she said that she should call my mum about it. I got so scared cause I thought my mum would be so dissapointed with me cause I didn't tell her about it, and she was. I stopped going and I never will go back, I pretend that I'm fine now even though I stay up at night thinking of ways to hurt myself by hitting my friends, I would never go through with though, because my friends mean everything to me.

Thank you for reading.

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Silver, 

Your gender identity sounds quite thought through to me. I don't identify strongly with any gender and prefer genderqueer to other labels, we each find what fits best. I guess I'm telling you thins because I want you to know that there are other people like you and things do get better, at least they did for me.

When I was 15, school and home both seemed fairly isolating, it didn't change for me until I talked it through with friends that were as it happened already fine. My parents needed more time, but they got there in the end. 

I noticed that you at least sometimes like being masculine. What else do you like doing? What makes you feel good about yourself? These are sometimes super hard questions and I ask them because if you can answer them you can do more of that stuff. You sound like you can do almost anything. Personally, I like making things. I have started on paper snowflakes for Christmas - it is making them I like not the Christmas part. I have a tshirt that feels good too, horizontal stripes that make me feel masculine which is an achievement because not much does. Then there is Spanish lessons on the iPhone on a long walk beside the river - concentrating on the words is the best distraction from all the negatives. 

Rob.

[Gruffudd]

Hi there Silver,

I've been thinking about you, hope things are going OK. 

You know my parents had very high expectations of me as a kid. Expectations that I have not met. Mostly they were academic but Dad in particular had marriage and children on his agenda for me. The thing about me is that I have achieved things they wouldn't have thought of or expected, I have had interesting jobs that have made a real difference in peoples lives and have been there for kids through work when their parents have not been able to be there. So my parents both have adjusted, the truth is that there are many ways to be successful in life and the way I see it, if you follow what is you and truely be yourself, then you are brilliant, will shine, and are a success.

Rob.

[Embracing_Tiger]

Hi SilverHair,

Thank you for sharing and kudos to you. I think that you're really brave for sharing how you feel to the wide internet. I certainly didn't have that kind of bravery in high school, possibly still don't. 

 I really relate to the things you said about feeling worthless, not wanting to show others what is going on for you, not wanting to be a burden, the isolation and lack of energy. During a severe depressive episode, I sometimes feel all or some of these things you described. These symptoms that you described may be indicators of a mood disorder, which generally need assessment by a psychologist or psychiatrist rather than a school counsellor. There are also good resources on the beyond blue website as you probably know. I sort of understand what you said about not wanting to disappoint your parents or be a burden. I don't know what your parents are like, but when I came out about my mental illness, most of their other expectations of me (career, relationships, etc) fell to the side. Their focus turned to hoping and helping me develop my resilience and to just feel a little bit happier (after their initial shock that is). They've not said it, but I think that they wish I had told them earlier, so they could have supported me more. 

As most health professionals are still ignorant of gender diverse people's issues, it may be beneficial to get a referral from an organisation that focuses on gender diverse issues, like The Gender Centre in Sydney. Most capital cities in Australia have one, and I can recommend others if you like. As for the cost for mental health services, these types of organisations may be able to assist you (depends on their services and funding), or you can get financial assistance through your GP, a mental healthcare plan for medicare rebates. All health professionals are bound by confidentiality so generally they can't tell your parents, except in certain situations. Maybe ask what these exceptions to confidentiality are.  

I'm glad that you have some great friends. You will find support on here as well. And if you want some other resources for gender diverse folks, I'd be glad to share them with you. 

I don't think that you're worthless. 

Take care. 

ET

[SilverHair]

Thank you for replying and I'm sorry for the late reply.

I have thought of going to a professional and seeking help, but every time I go to do it I freak and think of the worse things that might happen because if it. It's kinda stupid because I know that I need to seek help but I'm afraid that they might judge me and even though I know they probably won't, I can't help but think that they will. I haven't made any progress with the gender issues but I am thinking of maybe trying to find an online counsellor because I'm not really comfortable with talking face to face about it with some one.

Thank you for the help, and I know it might sound weird but I cried when you said I'm not worthless. No one has really ever said that to me and I was so happy. I hope that you are also well too!

[SilverHair]

Thank you for replying and I'm really sorry for the late reply

Some of the things I like doing is drawing because it relaxes me and I feel like I can let my emotions out doing it. I also like wearing ties and wearing guys clothes because ethat make me feel a lot happier than I normally am. 

I have been alright, I feel better then I normally do but I do nothing sometimes but not as frequently as it used to. I think it is because I am on holidays and I'm not as stressed as I normally am.

Thank you for the advice on both of your replies, I will try and follow them in the future. I hope that you yourself are ok too!

[Embracing_Tiger]

It's now my turn to say sorry for my tardiness. It's common for me to disconnect (read: isolate) over the new year period. 

I'm glad that you found some strength from what I wrote. Your story resonated with me: the feelings of worthless, that the world would be better without me. You have strength and courage by sharing your story here. I think that you have the capacity to work towards feeling more comfortable in your skin. Even though these forums are anonymous, I do care about your wellbeing. I don't think that you're worthless. 

I also understand your feelings of not feeling ready to talk face to face to someone, coming out is hard. Online spaces can protect you and that's where you're at, and that's okay. As for phone or web chat counselling, you might be interested in QLife. The counsellors there, in some way identify as part of the sexuality, gender or intersex status diverse community and receive extensive training in the issues that impact the LGBTI+.

ET.