Hi lonly666, welcome.
I think opening up on a forum must be so hard for this topic. So I assume that's why the short post.
Confused is - no wonder I think. Our values are based on tradition and convention and we are raised often with expectations and narrow ingrown teachings of whats right or wrong.
Some of these values are great and worthy of us adopting to make our life and others lives But some rules written or otherwise don't cater for the person that doesn't fit inside those narrow fences. This effectively leaves people like yourself hanging, wondering this or that, am I this or am I that, who am I?
Then there is the seed of doubt. Doubting your own sexual origin, whether you should be of the other sex and what thoughts lead to that. I'm no professional however I would assume having desires towards being female would lead to thoughts of bearing children as a female does.
The obvious thing to say is that serious and likely prolonged psychiatric guidance is needed. However this can be costly and daunting. I would however chat with my GP and see how that goes.
There is however some self help you cant do. Acceptance is a large part of your journey. Studying other people by reading books, meeting new friends and most important of all- acknowledging the positives of being you. What is this?
Well being a positive thinker takes practice and best to see that happen if you attend motivation lectures and the like. It's been 33 years since I attended one that changed my life. This means, I see a positive in everything (just about). eg I have bipolar type 2 and depression. So do many creative entertainers and artists like Stephen Fry Winston Churchill and the like. So I am a poet and when not in my depressive cycle I cannot write poetry. So my illness presents me with a positive I cherish.
In your case I would socialise with similar people of confusion. Join therapy groups. What you want is people with love and compassion that think alike. Many people don't fit in with your personality so no point trying. Accepting this is part of accepting yourself.
Love yourself. Whatever your feelings. Never stop trying to find yourself and where and who you belong with. Embrace yourself.
Find the world you fit inside. Then one day you might be confident enough to help some young person going through the same. And you'll feel fulfilled.
Tony WK
