Asexuality

[Shellz__22]

Hey

Does anyone identify with this or have some experience with it? To me it makes a lot of sense but.... I dont know.

[guest149]

not sure exactly what it means but I know i must have it.  I think I am so far into depression that sex is the last thing on my mind, and no, the plumbing does not work probably because of all the meds along with my self esteem and depression, Hey, im a good looking guy with alot to offer, but am so damaged that the thought of a relationship causes panic that puts me in a dangerous position.  And I can't even work things out on my own.  It's quite a relief actually, just on less thing I have to worry about.  But at the same time, It sure would be nice to know how it feels to be in love and a functioning human being. 

[Zoomah]

To rise a dead thread. I was just looking for this subject.

I identify as asexual as of last year. Had always felt pressured into having to try to have sex with people but never was interested in it. Never. I have no problems with my sex drive though. It took me most of my adult life (I'm 27 now) to figure out that I had no desire for sex.

 The thing that really gets me down is that I want a relationship still. Unfortunately, it's very hard to find someone who doesn't mind not having a sexual relationship. This has leads me to being super bleak about my future because I would really like to have my own family but can see no way that this will ever happen in my life. Being a teacher before my depression made me leave, I children are an important part of what I consider a happy life. It also makes me doubt myself as to the reason for forming a relationship. Is it because I want to spend my life with someone? Or is it because I want to have kids. Not the reason why you should form a relationship. Also bad for any kids you did have.
Even fostering, being a single male, is out. Not legally, but you are discouraged strongly by both society and child protection. I know one guy and he only gets the really troubled older teenagers. He has his stuff stolen all the time. The risk of false accusations is a strong deterrent as well. I know as a teacher I've left a kid on the ground just because I was too scared to pick her up and get her to the med bay. 
The other thing is it is really hard to be single financially. Living on one wage is very expensive unless you share a house. But as you get older that gets very... old.

Then there's the continual 'Why don't you have a partner?' 

[Ellie05]

I know this thread is 3 years old but I relate to it so much. I would describe myself as asexual. I haven't had a crush on anyone since I was 13 years old. I think it is my depression and anxiety which makes me this way but it is what it is.

I'm almost 31 now and I feel very sad about the fact that I will never know what's like to love someone romantically and have them love me back. I've always equated happiness with having a partner and kids so it's hard for me to come to terms with this. I feel very lonely when I see updates on Facebook of people getting engaged, married or sharing photos of their kids.

I am fearful of going through life with no one to rely on in case of sickness, injury or just plain getting old. No one to share the happy moments with either. For now I have my two parents who love me unconditionally and I have a sister so I just try and focus on the love and support I get from them.

[Just Sara]

Morning Ellie;

It's really sad you're filled with these fears at such a young age. 'Never' is a very long time. I can't imagine feeling the way you do about your future.

I'm assuming you've had depression since you were in your teens? Is there anything that happened back then to contribute to your a-sexual identity? Have you delved into it with your psych?

Sexual connection is just one aspect of a relationship. It isn't the be all and end all of a partnership. The concept of having a 'crush' seems to be what you rely on to alert you to being attracted to someone. Mature feelings are more complex.

Attraction comes in many forms; communication is the most important. Falling in love isn't lust, it's about two people finding a sense of communion with each other.

What I hear from you is fear. Eg..."What if I like someone and they want a physical relationship?" I'm wondering what experience you've had with dating or even talking with a person about common interests. In fact, you're not the only a-sexual person on the planet. What if you met another like yourself?

Please don't set yourself up for failure before you've given yourself a chance to explore life. Creating boundaries so limited is self defeatist and will prevent you from identifying real opportunities when they present themselves.

Could you describe your interpretation of a-sexuality for me in terms of feelings as well as a concept? It might help to understand you better from my perspective.

Would love to hear back from you Ellie.

Kind thoughts...

Sez

[Ellie05]

Hi Sara,

Apologies for nothing replied earlier. I know you will probably not see this reply as it's been so long but I wanted to answer you anyway.

Asexuality to me is not feeling any romantic or sexual connection to anyone. I had a few crushes as a kid but at age 13 a friend told me he was interested and my reaction was to panic. At 16 I thought I could just push though it and agreed to go out with a boy, it didn't end well. I developed extreme anxiety immediately after, spent the whole weekend crying with my mum and had to break it off the following Monday. It was awful, I had no idea what made me like this and often wondered what could have triggered it, I even wondered if there had been abuse in my childhood that I had repressed but now that I've grown older and have had extreme reactions to other things I think it was just down to my anxiety disorder. I really struggle to see how someone could find me attractive and as a result think there is something wrong with them if they do. I also wonder if violence towards women which is depicted in the media is a cause. My parents didn't do a great job of filtering out what we could and couldn't watch so I saw some pretty disturbing movies and TV shows as a kid. Anyway the point is I'm not capable of developing a 'crush' anymore, that is, a physical attraction to someone I know.

[Just Sara]

Hi Ellie;

No prob's with the late reply ok; it's a really interesting read. It seems you may be right about the anxiety disorder being at the core of your fears, but without a diagnosis, neither of us can be sure.

I don't want this to sound offensive ok, so please bare with me. Not wanting physical touch can be a symptom of being on the autism spectrum. (Just like we're all on the sexuality/gender spectrum) And know; it doesn't have the reputation it used to as it's much more prevalent and understood within modern society.

Someone with a high functioning level like 'Asperger's Syndrome' for instance, is difficult to diagnose as people cope quite well in life, even excel. They may present with traits like extremely high intellect yet difficulty identifying peoples facial expressions. They can also be prone to being distant except on an intellectual basis.

Please be aware I'm not diagnosing you or even suggesting you're on that spectrum; I'm no expert. I come from a background in disabilities and have seen for myself the confusion and sorrow some experience not fitting in.

My reason for bringing it up is to show how complex our brains are. Society and family especially, have a certain perception of 'normal', It can cause people real heartache not understanding themselves because they don't seem to fit into those norms. What creates peace Ellie, is accepting it's ok to be different.

Without being assessed by your GP and psychiatrist, you could be worrying about something that for 'you', is absolutely ok.

I hope I've given you something to think about. Our emotions sometimes cloud the truth. It's best to identify the forest from the trees first so you can focus on your greatness instead of what you feel you lack. We're all individually flawed and on BB, we celebrate that diversity.

Warm wishes;

Sez

[Ellie05]

Hi Sara,

I don't think I'm on the spectrum. I actually crave human touch a lot, it's just sex which is the issue. I don't really know why but I think it relates to the fact that growing up there were a lot of messages to suggest that women engaging in sex is a shameful thing, whilst men were celebrated as being 'players' who took advantage of them. There's also the violence aspect, I saw a few movies as a kid where girls or women were attacked or killed by the men they were sleeping with. I think this has planted some deep rooted fears and belief even though I've only ever really seen healthy relationships around me. Everything that has created these disturbing ideas is the what I've seen, read and heard in the media, it's nothing to do with the real life influences I had growing up. All I know is that if I slept with a guy I'd feel used and ashamed. As much as I try to tell myself on a conscious level that in our society there's nothing wrong with women being sexually active and sleeping with people they're not in committed relationships with I still have these irrational deep rooted beliefs. These days sex is expected early on in the dating process and I don't know how I'd ever explain my situation to anyone. I wish I could just let go of these fears and be free.

[Just Sara]

Hey again Ellie;

Your explanation gave me a really good overview to understand you better. I'm really very sorry you've carried this with you for so long.

There are a couple of things I'd like to discuss.

Firstly, the 'brain' is at the core of our being. Every thought, action and word 'gets in' so to speak. When we're young we don't have the knowledge or lived experience to filter out the nonsense. So we take it as we see or experience it; in silence usually due to lack of skill communicating.

The other thing I wanted to talk about is the relationship between our brain and body. Our body has a primal process for sexual pleasure, just like dealing with hunger or defending ourselves; it's a survival instinct.

Without pleasure, we wouldn't procreate. Our bodies don't need the conscious brain to respond sexually as it's programmed into our human nature.

An example of this is when a child is raped, they disassociate from their mind because it's too traumatic, but may experience sexual pleasure in their body. You can imagine the confusion this creates.

The rational mind will try to make sense of this 'intellectually'. Shame, self blame, skewed beliefs and PTSD are usually the outcomes. That's why early intervention is paramount.

So you see, the brain/body connection is too complex and primal a mechanism for little minds to comprehend.

I'm thinking the best form of therapy for you might be to visit a sex therapist. I saw one for a while and it helped immensely. My issues were different to yours, but the skill of my counsellor helped me understand I'm normal under the circumstances. (Yes, the little girl above was me)

Sessions with your therapist will be about retraining your body to respond as it's supposed to by working on your beliefs etc.

If you find one that has a degree, it can make visits cheaper thru Medicare rebates by including them in a Mental Health Care Plan created by your GP.

My sex therapist was a counsellor so I paid full price. But don't let this put you off as he specialised in the field and was amazing.

I hope this has helped you understand your situation better. I could go into the science of it, but I don't want to overwhelm you at this stage.

Be gentle on yourself ok;

Take care;

Sez

[Ellie05]

Thanks Sez, that is something I'd never considered before. Maybe it's worth checking it out. Even the thought of going to a 'sex therapist' makes me feel embarrassed, which goes to show there are some things I really need to figure out.

I'm so sorry to hear of what happened to you. It makes me so angry that people are capable of hurting children in that way.

[Maoise]

Just wanted to drop some informative websites in here, because in addition to all the valid things discussed already in the thread that can contribute to people's psychosocial experience of relationships, asexuality is also a legitimate orientation in and of itself (and doesn't always need to be medicalised). The extreme lack of awareness of asexuality in society (even among health professionals) I often see significantly contributing to people's experiences with depression.

There are orientations within the asexuality spectrum - demisexual, grey-asexual, demi-romantic (and more), which people may relate to more once they read about them and talk to others who identify with these labels.

There are also two asexual dating websites in Australia, for those on the romantic spectrum.

There are a few facebook groups, and asexuality (plus the other sub-labels mentioned above) have very active tags on the website tumblr.

Hope this helps other people investigating their own identity! I encourage those in treatment for depression to bring these discussions to their therapist, but don't be discouraged if they are not familiar or even dismissive of these orientations. A good mental health professional will work WITH you to help you understand yourself better and find the root causes of your feelings.

- Maoise (demi-romantic, demi-sexual person!)