Zero sex drive in an otherwise good relationship

[MegGriffin]

Hi all! First post on a public forum.
I'm having a massive internal struggle (for about the 20th time). I am 29 and have been with my current partner for a year and a bit. Although we have very different hobbies and are different personalities - I'm outspoken, tough exterior and a bit sassy, he's soft, sweet, gentle and a part time nerd - I love him very much.

However, I have very little desire to have sex. Like, no desire. If I didn't have it for another 3 months I'd be fine with that. My problem is, I don't know if it's because I'm not passionately attracted to him, or if it's the medications I am on, or if it's because I have a very emotional tense job! I have spoke to my GP about it and have changed 1 of the medications (the oral contraceptive) and have lowered the dose of my other meds. ...no change and that was at least a month and a half ago. My job is very emotional and I deal with animal cruelty, euthanasias, neglect and the likes on a daily basis for over 8hrs a day.
I feel like 'home' with my partner and we are both happy; we go out and do things on weekends, he is fully supportive of me, we communicate well, and we both love each other's company. But I'd be much happier having a cuddle and a glass of wine on the couch with him, than having anything sexual happen! We've discussed it a few times and he's very understanding and says "We'll just keep trying" but I feel pressure, a lot of pressure, and like it's my fault. And then when he tries to instigate I feel bad saying no. It's always on my mind and I feel like I 'owe' him it which is sh!t for me but I don't know what else to do.

Any advice would be much appreciated!!

[MissMySon]

Hi M.G.

It is a frustrating situation you are in, I can relate. I broke my neck some years back whick severely impacted my ability, throw in medication to the mix, and Boom, loss of drive. My relationship ended because of it.

Intimacy is a fundamental part of any loving partnership, and the lack of it can be devastating. It can leave the wanting partner with great insecurities of their self worth. Any issues in this area should be resolved somehow.

That being said, You are in charge of your own sexuality and needs, and should never be forced or pressured into anything you dont want to do. Further investigation on your part may be helpful, maybe see a counsellor or therapist. Things you experience at work may be affecting you on a subconscious level emotionally, and, yes, medications can wreak havoc on sex drive.

I hope things work out for you, and I wish you luck.

MMS/Scott.

[geoff]

hello Meg, thanks for posting your comment, I don't think it's unnecessarily unusual, my wife was exactly the same, no matter how much work I did to gut and renovate the house my wife was never interested, although certainly pleased with what was being done, it was never prompted. Geoff.

[MegGriffin]

Thank you for your replies! Good to know it's not just me.

I will definitely seek help from a therapist soon. Do you think my lack of drive and interest is cause for concern? I've heard some people say that a year in to the relationship they were still in the honeymoon phase...I worry that I'm a dud. I also worry and think to myself "am I over thinking this??"

[velvetfaerie]

Hi M.G.

Great name by the way. I work in animal welfare too.

I understand where you are coming from on all fronts. I just wanted to say that biologically, if you are going through stress, exhaustion, depression etc the last thing the female body wants to do is procreate. Why (figuratively of course, not literally ), invest all that energy into a zygote when there is much more important things to expend that energy on. It definitely all affects sex drive. Medications, stress, fatigue etc, this is why women's cycles change and can stop during times of extreme.

The pill can affect these things as your body thinks its pregnant, as you probably already know. Hormonal contraceptives can be frustrating. Trust me I know. Sex hormones and neurotransmitters are all a delicate dance of balance. I am still trying to figure it out HAHAHAH !

I hope you can find your mojo soon. Date nights? Spicy date nights?

Just some thoughts.

V.

[MegGriffin]

Thank you so much for your wise words VF!! Maybe the christmas break (where I am actually having a break from work) will bring back some of the old me and help break the drought. We do the odd date night, and movie nights etc but I'm happier and more comfortable snuggling and just being together. And I'm bordering on too much info here, but I find that sometimes it feels very planned and very unsexy!
Anyway, after this week of work (which involves a lot of overtime already!) I hope that there might be a bit of interest in the near future 🙂

[velvetfaerie]

No probs. Hopefully the break from work helps. I’m looking forward to mine too!!

😎😎😎😎

[krystalramone]

Hi Meg,

I'm a 29 year old girl too suffering with this issue. I have zero sex drive towards my partner or in general. I wasn't always like this but yes since my mental health has gotten worse and all the medication I take no drive is there.

I never feel sexy, nor do I look to want to please myself. I always feel like there is something wrong with me. My boyfriend never pressures me but I know it's very tough on him. I know it also has a lot to do with my depression and low self esteem/body dysmorphia.

Its very tough I can relate to your struggles.

Therefore if anyone has any advice I would appreciate this too.

krystalramone

[Croix]

Dear MegGriffin~
I'm answering your question from your other thread here, as I think this thread here has a big bearing on matters. I hope you don't mind.

If I understand correctly you have returned from holiday together which has not turned out well. In fact it has become the catalyst with you now thinking the relationship should end. It would seem there is little communication, apart from arguing, between you, a lack of common interests and he prefers online games and his gaming friends to your company.

As you raised the question of breaking up and he has suggested counseling you now feel somewhat confused as although you wanted the relationship to finish you now feel guilt and that you owe him.

Well I guess the first thing is you had in fact made your mind up the relationship should end, and had done so for what seemed compatibility reasons. I think it is a measure of your lack of mutual understanding that he was surprised when you said you wanted to end it. I also think it was been pretty indicative than rather than being concerned for how you were feeling he just wanted to argue for the status quo and did not seem overly upset.

You have also said above that you feel no desire for intimacy for him. I would not guess why except to say such things are not always straightforward and may in fact not be so much him as your own biology, stress, medication - though of course it may simply be incompatibility. I do expect it might have had a pretty large effect on your partner. While to feel guilt over this might seem natural, I don’t think it is helpful, it is an unasked for problem you both have had to deal with.

You have agreed to counseling so I guess in fairness you might feel committed to that, however I do not think any long term relationship can be based on guilt and a sense of duty on the one hand, and doing things just a partner enjoyed to keep the relationship together on the other.

A relationship really needs to be because of love and care for each other, wanting to look after the other person and do the best for them. It has to be because they both enjoy being together and trust each other, that is basic. I’m not talking about sex here, though that is very important too, apart from anything else it does bind people together.

I guess at the end of the day you both have to see the other person for what they are and want to be with them.

What do you think?

Croix