Young son rejecting parent

[anon143]

My young son is only 4 & is starting to vocalise not wanting to contact his father. The marriage & separation between his father and I has been a toxic, DV & hurtful situation for all involved. We 1st separated when he was over 1 y.o however I have stupidly gone back throughout the last 3 years to rekindle a relationship for myself & my son. My son & I are safe and are renting our own home that we have lived in for almost 3 years. Over the years we have stayed with his father and his fathers family who he lives with as we both live in separate states. During those stays (the first stay was only supposed to be for 2 weeks which turned into 8 months thanks to Covid) his father made very little effort to bond or spend quality time with my son. He failed to see my sons worth and would discipline my son over tiny things by slapping him or really yelling at him like he is a grown man (only 2 turning 3). Obviously I made it known that his behaviour is not on. I tried to encourage his father to make an attempt to bond with my son however he was busy working & drinking. My son rarely asks about his father, very rarely will ask to ring his father without me encouraging it. His father and I have a parenting plan in place after he had a DVO. In the parenting plan, there's no set amount of contact they need to have, we have outlined the avenues of how communication can be held. Overall, I am unsure how to support my son during this time as I know he is only young but I know he is not stupid. He has a very good memory. I haven’t had a good relationship with my father either which is partly why I kept pushing for my sons father to be around. I'll ask my son if he would like to call his father and he always says no. When I ask him why, he always responds because he doesn’t want to. Now that my son is openly communicating with me that he doesn’t want to engage in a conversation with his father, I don’t push for it. Am I doing the right thing by listening to my son? His father will rarely make contact and when he does it is not about my son. I feel upset that my son doesn’t want to contact his dad. The reason I feel upset for my son is because he realises his father is unavailable to his needs and that his father does not meet his needs. I have given up on reaching out to his father as it has always been one sided from me and he continues to manipulate me by becoming abusive if I refuse to give in to his demands.

[Croix]

Dear Anon143~

Welcome back to the forum. I'm sad things have not improved with you ex however you described the very sound  reason you separated - abuse, and I think you may have been over-generous in hoping getting back together was possible. I'd guess this was mainly for the sake of your son.

When you come right down to it one can have the feeling that a child  should have a father figure - and in an ideal world maybe that can be good. However there is no father figure here, just a person who slaps and mistreated him and shows no love. Any child will realise that lack of love and interest and may probably become fearful as times goes on.

Do you really want your son to have this sort of person in his life?  Your love as a mum is a wonderful thing and many children have been brought up happily on just that .

If you can shield him from such unpleasantness I can't see how you are doing the wrong thing

Croix

[anon143]

Thank you for your response. 

You’re right, I was over-generous. Given the history of the relationship, I was willing to sacrifice my safety and my sons safety to fulfil this fantasy of a “happy family”. I now see the importance of our safety and no longer have contact with his father, although this has only been done recently within the week leading up to Christmas. 

I don’t want my son to grow up and think this behaviour is acceptable to just be put up with or that it’s even okay for that matter. I am still adjusting to not having his father in the picture, mostly financially.

I have made a lot of mistakes in the past and I fear that it’s taking a toll on my son. I’m mainly seeking advice on how to support my son throughout this transition as his behaviour has started to change and I truly believe it has to do with the absence of his father… Also the way he speaks about his father is different. I think my son picks up on his fathers dismissive/uninterested behaviour towards him in the most recent phone calls. By dismissive/uninterested, I mean that my son is asking all the questions & his father replies with closed responses so there’s rarely any conversation to carry on.  My son was also upset that his father said he was going to give him xyz for Christmas and failed to follow through with any of it. I reminded his father through text the day before Christmas and he had read that text. Fast forward to Christmas Day I messaged him again and basically said, “Respectfully, do not make promises you don’t intend on fulfilling” and he read it and never responded. 

This is why I think my son is acting out a little more than usual as nothing else has really happened in between and leading up to this. 

Can 4 year olds receive counselling? I’ve done a bit of research and have only seen for 5+ year olds. 

[Croix]

Dear Anon143~

I can't answer about counseling for 4 year olds, though I suspect that the occasional session with a child psychologist may not be nearly as effective as your love and constant presence. If anyone were to be counseled I'd suggest it should be you.

If I have understood you previous posts correctly your son does get on well with at least one other family member. You are not alone.

Trying to feel your way though separation and make up for the lack of love your ex has for your son is extremely difficult. Perhaps professional advice might make things clearer, and let you know despite your doubts you are doing a good job.

Croix

[Juliet_84]

Hi Anon143,

My heart breaks for you as your love for your son is clear. I frequently see parents who put their own interests ahead of their child’s - my ex partner has hurt me and so I  will deny them contact with my children. But you are so remarkably the opposite, willing to set aside the poor treatment you have no doubt received at the hands of your ex and attempt to foster the  relationship between your son and his father. I truly commend you for your efforts. But the sad fact is that no matter how hard we try, it doesn’t make people any better than they are. Your ex-husband has shown a lot of problematic behaviors, to you and your son. And he has seen that. I find children and animals are often the best judges of character. They seem to have this knack of being able to read people’s energy and know when something doesn’t feel right. I think as adults we have a tendency to ignore our gut and explain away behaviours because we want to. But your ex-husband has been violent to you and your son (in the form of hitting or yelling), and that has understandably made him fearful. Does the benefit of having someone like that in your sons life outweigh the negatives, I’m not so sure. I think a healthy, male role model may be a better alternative for him. You have done all you can to try and make things work, but I contend that it’s not your responsibility at this stage to try and force this relationship. Just let your son guide you on what he wants. 

[geoff]

Hello Anon143, your son is intuitive enough not to want to talk with his dad because kids can learn at a very young age and it doesn't take much for this to happen and even if does happen, it can end abruptly if his father is not caring nor interested and make the situation worse.

It's your husband that has to change and not your son, because if he is manipulating and abusive then it won't happen.

Geoff.

Life Member.