Women leaving their family

[F36]

Hi,

I have MDD, and badly. My condition has meant that I have been unable to see my children much (divorced) - if you can’t feed them and can’t stop crying it is only damaging for them to be around you. That is a hard fact to accept, that you’re not a good influence on your children’s well-being/life.

They are 6 and 7 now, but I have only been able to see them every second weekend since they were 1 and 2. Still, they love me dearly - and I them.

Lately my condition has become so bad that I have to cancel the weekends with them. The irony is that I am only staying in this country where I have no family and zero support because of the kids. Now that i can’t see them anymore at all I have made the decision to leave and go back home overseas.

The decision is gut-wrenchingly painful, but we are at a point now where - sorry for sounding dramatic - it’s the choice between having a mother who is alive but overseas...or not.

I am wondering if people here have ever heard of a situation where the mother has left and it was for the best and everything turned out okay. Or are there children of mothers here who had to leave, and it all turned out ok? I think I just really want to hear that this is the best way forward.

[quirkywords]

Welcome F36 to the forum,

This is a caring, friendly, nonjudgmental and supportive forum.

I am so sorry that you feel you have to make such a heart wrenching choice.

I can see how much you love your children and want the best for them.

I understand that you have had to cancel weekends with your children, but will this last for a long time? You have been managing to see them every weekend for 5 years, so is there any chance you will be able to do that again?

My own experience is quite different in many ways but that decision to leave is difficult and not one I talk about much. My children were in there teens when the marriage broke down and the decision to leave was a complex decision which I wont go into but it was my childrens best interests .

At first I was in the same town but then for work I moved a few hours away. As I said nothing like you having to go overseas but that feeling of not being there for them was always strong. They realise now as adults my reasons and they appreciate because it stopped the arguments.

I feel you know what you need to do and you will always be there mother . If your health improves as they get older, maybe they can visit you and vice versa. Nowadays with skype , email, etc it is possible to keep in touch.

I know a friend who kept a journal, that she wrote in for her child and gave it to her when she was 21 so her child knew she was always thinking of her.

Thanks for your honesty and well done for writing your first post.

Quirky

[Quercus]

Hi F36 and welcome to the forums,

Quirky has said it all really. I just wanted to show my support too and say thank you for sharing such a painful and personal story with us all.

Major depressive disorder. How I feel for you and understand not being able to give what you want to for your children. Quirky is right about there being so many options for contact. It isn't the same but if it comes down to video calls from Mum or no Mum I know which I'd choose in a heartbeat.

Being isolated here is not healthy for you. If your supports are overseas it makes sense to go and focus on keeping alive and finding a way to manage your condition. Plus if you have family support and others to help you with the children perhaps your ex will allow your children to visit you in time.

As long as you are alive there is always hope for the future. Right now the kids are young but one day they will be independent and hopefully able to see that you were unwell and not able to be with them. But you did what you had to so that they had a parent who was able to meet their needs. Even if that meant not getting to see them.

I think you are brave and strong. Quirky is onto a good idea too with the diary. It may not feel like you have anything to give but sometimes the biggest question we have is why. And a diary will show your kids why you had to leave for a while.

I wish you well and hope you are able to manage your illness in time and feel well again.

Love Nat

[F36]

Thanks so much for your support. I am in hospital once again. Sixth mental breakdown in 7 years.

[Quercus]

Hi F36,

Hospital is a safe place to be when you are very unwell. I hope you are being well supported and cared for.

As much as it hurts to be unwell and unable to care for your kids right now six breakdowns in such a short space of time is a pretty big sign that changes are needed.

It is ok to focus on your own health. Better to be absent and healing than lost altogether.

If it helps you to write on the forums to keep occupied in hospital please do. You can join any thread that appeals to you.

Still here for you if you need support.

Nat

[quirkywords]

F36

Thanks formletting us know younare in hospital and I too hope you are getting all the care you need.

I agree with what nat has written. The important thing is for you to concentrate on your health.

You are not alone and we are here to support you if you need it.

Thinking of you

Quirky