Wife with bpd wants to separate, I'm heartbroken and need help

[BG89]

I am currently in the process of being separated from my bpd wife but I'm still deeply in love with her and this process is leaving me completely heartbroken. She is my best friend and the only person iv ever loved and while she has hinted at this before we have never broken up but now she has sead we are and I'm having trouble accepting it.

We have been together nearly 6 years married for nearly 4, have 3 kids and in the last 6 months she and the kids moved to new Zealand to what we planned was to start a new life, while I was stuck in Australia during covid to finish up my work then rejoin them. Over that 6 months she has become a completely different person made all these plans and decions without telling me or talking to me about it then when I finally got to our new home last week she told me we are separated and wants a divorce. Im absolutely shattered I'm crying all the time csnt eat mutch or sleep mutch and I'm loosing all drive to do anything, also to make it worse she is being up and down about how I'm coping which depending on her mood she is eaither understanding or extremely angry about it.

Some of her reasons seem to change daily but the main ones are she has discovered over the last 6 months she would prefer to be alone as being married is adding to mutch stress for her to deal with and is she can't love me like I deserve and I should find someone else and be happy, I told her I don't want anyone else I want her, iv all ways worked hard to be there for her with the roller coaster ride of bpd and iv never judged or held it agents her even thow its cost me job progression due calling in sick alot to help her or leaving work early to help her, friends and some family Iv been trying to talk about it with her a few times and she doesn't want to work it out or keeps telling me I'm forcing her to stay with me when I ask how do you think the kids will handle all of this.

[BG89]

I'm holding out hope I can figure it out and maybe we can work it out. She wants to continue to live together but in separate rooms but I don't know how long that will last. During the 6 months apart I ended up getting treated for really bad anxiety and depression that I was told was a result of this relationship I also started therapy and oddly enough around that time is when she started getting nasty towards me. I'll definitely be seeking out some help hear when I can get up and about being in a new country and knowing no one but my wife and kids is not helping my anxiety. I really want to keep fighting for her but she is telling me not to.

Has anyone gone threw anything similar and how did they help deal with it?

[Betternow]

Hi BG89

Yes, many people have found themselves in a situation similar to yours. I know there is little comfort in that fact.

The really difficult thing to accept when you are rejected by a spouse is that you have almost no control over their feelings, attitudes and actions. It's as though your spouse has been replaced by someone who looks like her but isn't really her. It's very difficult to process.

I think for the time being you need to accept your wife's position and stop trying to persuade her to change her mind. The more you try to hold the family together, the more likely she will dig her heels in and see you in a negative light.

Prioritise the children. Are they safe, warm and happy? Are their living arrangements and accommodation satisfactory? If all is well with the children, you probably need to start living separately from your wife. I would also urge you to seek legal advice, not because you are intending to divorce, but it's best formalise the separation. I know this is tough but you have to take action.

Assuming you can live close to your family, take the opportunity to be present in your children's lives as much as possible. I would ensure that your relationship with your wife stays respectful and cordial but do not pursue her into doing something she does not want.

Given enough time, her feelings may change for the better towards you but please don't cling to false hope. Remember, even if you wear her down and she reluctantly agrees to reunite, you haven't won anything except more misery. A spouse has to love you and want to be with you.

In writing all this, I'm assuming your wife's mental health is stable and there is no other known reason she has for behaving in this way.

I realise this is a very difficult time for you. I went through this too and I have never have experienced anything so heartbreaking, so I do understand your sadness. Repost as many times as you would like, there are many people here that can advise and support you.

[BG89]

Yes it's been very difficult to process all this especially since before the move and up till about May it was all lovey dovey, talking about a future hear and the opportunity we have as a family and stuff then slowly it just changed and now this. As it turns out she has made all these plans for life ahead without me and things I had no idea about until this week.

I guess she is stable to a point, she is on no medication for her bipolar 2 and is not in therapy for her bpd, she still has her massive and regular mood swings but I guess I'm use to that after all the years. In the last year she lost her sister to suicide and her father died suddenly and this has effect her terribly but she won't go deal with it.

As for leaving the home im not shore I can at the moment, I'm jobless and not fit to work and I'm waiting the arrival of my car before I can go get the help I need. She wants me to live hear but for how long I won't know. I definitely want to continue to be near the kids and she is actually good with that, the kids are safe and happy but I do worry how her mood swings affect them, sadly I know If I was to go for custody she would probably end up trying hurting her self as they mean everything to her. One of my concerns is if I cant get myself together I'll have to go back to Australia where I have support and the help I need and I really worry how that will affect the kids.

Rock, hard place, me.

My 2 close friend ls have told me yes this is devastating but it is a great opportunity for me to go be happy as well, but the thing is I was happy despite the little things I was happy and in love deeply and loosing all this is so painful.

[Guest_3256]

Good afternoon.

I am really sorry to hear of your difficult situation as My partner experiences a personality disorder and it's always a mess for us. Mine is a chronic sufferer who wont accept their inappropriate behavior. Your Wife may be experiencing splitting and discard difficulties - this means that a random silly thought has floated into her brain which will take over her mind and she will believe it over you. What ever that thought is, it will play on her mind and unfortunately, people who experience mood difficulties find it very hard to control their thoughts and some may have very little to no cognitive emotional intelligence. Sometimes it's no different from a 5 year old child trying to make decisions. The mood swings are an inability to maintain a healthy mindset and difficulty controlling their thoughts so they become exhausted, tired, irritable and then they blame their partners. 
The only way to resolve her behaviour is to be extremely patient, supportive and to speak to her very calmly. The worst thing you could ever do is the total opposite. I learnt the hard way. Do not raise your voice, make her feel intimidated or defend yourself in anyway because she may want you to feel hurt - it's not a personal thing - it's her not taking responsibility for her inappropriate behaviour.

Stay strong buddy - do the Calm thing as I mentioned above, she will give up and her mood may balance back out.

[BG89]

So alot has happened recently. After some time and waiting I'm finally able to see the doctor tomorrow and hopfully I can get a referral for some help.

So iv recently discovered that my wife was constantly calling, msging a old flame from her teenage years and he even stayed over twice while I was back In Australia struggling, it just so happened that the timing is exactly when she started going cold on me and claiming I'm a pain for wanting to call and talk, the day after he first stayed over was the day she told me she was wanting space and not shore about us anymore. I'm well aware of how the bpd can make her lock on to someone and that's it, I Confronted her with the evidence and she still denied it and won't even tell me the truth any more only that they are friends, I know they had inappropriate conversations but I'm not aware of anything else I was hoping she would be honest and tell me but also I don't as it would brake me even more.

Am I fool for still deeply loving her and wanting to continue to try earn her favour back? She has completely split me black and devoured me, everything thing I do is wrong and I'm a hassle if I want to talk about it.

She is teasing me with the hope of therepy for her self and maybe couples therepy which if offered my full support and to even pay for her personal therapy as well as ours. I dont believe her thow, she seems to tell me these things to get me to do a favor or something then it will switch agen.

I never knew but it appears to me she is in total control of me and alot of aspects of my life and iv begun to notice I'm very emotionally dependent on her but iv got no self confidence and self esteem anymore. I feel so broken.

She is still getting angry with me if I get emotional which is still multiple times a day but I just go outside now to keep it private.

[Guest_3256]

Yes BG89, everything that you have mentioned in your reply is exactly the cause of her difficulties. I want you to know that this is about her even though it affects you too so please take the time to be strong and focus on you. It could be that she has found new supply and has chosen to discard you and they indication is that she will be quite clear cut. Healthy people do not through away a great relationship unless they have adequate grounds to do so (i.e. emotional/ physical abuse) so it is very strange why she is trying to connect with this other guy - maybe she craves attention and thinks he will give it to her.

Please be kind to yourself and focus on you. You and your kids are more important than anything and they need you to be strong. I recently left my partner as they were doing something similar, so please know that you are very much okay to give yourself some time away from her. I know you love her very much but someone who love their partner doesn't treat them like this - it's defiantly not healthy in any way. Maybe she might realize how important you are to her.

Please let us know how you are tracking buddy.

[BG89]

Yes your correct about the attention part, it seems as soon as I flew back to Australia she started making contact with hm especially during the lockdown but if I was to make contact I was made to be needy, smothering and to mutch but she was literally having 4 5 hours calls and msgs at all hours with this guy, she of course denied it all even with proof, spun it into my fault somehow.

Yer I'm hoping to see a councler this week after I saw the doc the other day, Im Still she'll shocked, heart broken and just so so lost, hopeless is a word I guess best describes my current mind set.

We are stuck living together atm which is okay for the kids but I'm finding it very difficult and her attitude and cold lack of compassion to me very difficult to handle it's like the last 6 years together was nothing and never ment anything to her.

[Guest_3256]

Good afternoon BG89.

I would imagine that you are going through a roller-coaster ride of emotions, especially finding about her old flame. Know that this is not your fault and that her behaviors are 100% in her control and her responsibility. You mentioned that she has called you need, smothering and too much - if she is cheating with someone such as this old flame, she will make you feel bad for her shame and guilt (gaslighting/ projection).

I understand that things are tough for you and your kids at the moment, please know that you are a strong and loving person and to focus on you....nothing but you.

Keep things real simple and focus on you and your needs i.e. start becoming more independent, improve on any areas that you think can be better for you and the relationship, take-up some new hobbies and get the support you need.

Let us know how you are going.

Good luck buddy.

[BG89]

So I had my visit to the doc and spoke in length about things and have been referred to get some help that I need and even thow I don't feel ready I have also applied for a job and got a interview, I guess the intention is to like you sead get my head right in this situation and.

We have a few arguments about small things, like she will ask me to do a favor for her and I will as I want to help she will promise to spend some time with me to talk about thing's ill help out and then as soon as iv helped she will change plans on me and leave, she has also found a way to blamb everything that has ever gone wrong in our relationship on me and some how iv accepted that and given apologies, I have no idea how she does it, she definitely knows how to make me tick.

I obviously need to adreess why I get that way myself which I plan on doing.

We looked like things were going good a agen for a few days then suddenly she decided to tell everyone she is single now, changed all her social media and restricted me on them, I'm wondering if she wants me to react to it or not but iv let it go for now even thow it hurts to be led on agen and then let down agen, I'm also shore she is sleeping with some new all ready as she keeps coming up with excuses to go out for a few hours in the night. I know I need to let go but it is really hard and painful. Like you say I need to move out when I can to help myself.

I guess this is more of a rant than a update thanks for listening