Wife wants to seperate for no apparent reason

[Billy2]

Married for 19years. 2 x teenage girls. Wife has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer but will be okay. She has become more and morewithdrawn. I confronted her last week and asked her if she still loves me. She said yes. I askes are you in love with me. She said she doesnt know. Since then she has admitted thinking about separation and moving out. She is currently sleeping in spare room. I am extremely angry. She says its because when she is away with family or friends she feels a better person and more herself. We havent been fighting. I treat herexceptionally well. I do most things around the house. Her reason just sounds like crap to me. She has become very secretive which i think was because she has been thinking about this for some time ans talking to friends about her decision. She now seems relieved and is going on like eveythings ok and im losing my mind. I cant eat. I cant sleep. I am really anxious around her. Im paranoid there is someone else. I have tried to talk to her but she doesnt seem to want to make it work. I think she has made her decision and i have to except it.

[Croix]

Dear Billy2~

Something like this is a huge upheaval in your life and I'm sorry it has come about. It makes one wonder about all sorts of things and you get to feel you really did not understand your partner's thinking at all. 19 years is a long time and most would simply think that after so long things were stable and would keep going.

Do your daughters know of this? It will be an enormous blow to them too I'd imagine and you are all going to need support and mutual care. Do you have family to talk with? It does make a difference.

There is one thing I will say. As someone who has had a cancer scare (fortunately a false alarm) I know that news of the big C is not only a tremendous shock but also does change one's thinking. To be forcibly reminded that life does not go on forever and that the clock is ticking makes a world of difference.

I know you said your wife will be OK, however it may not be that simple. Once the seed of doubt and vulnerability is planted it can make the whole world seem different. Dealing with things in life that are hard, or seem unpleasant may be something to be avoided.

Treatments for cancer can themselves have a further big - and mood altering - effect. So can any surgery.

Has this all come about since her first diagnosis or was it something she was thinking of before?

I know in such circumstances there is a strong temptation to ask "Why?". In some cases the person many know, in others their own reasons are unclear to them too. The feeling of being 'a better person or more herself' sounds as if - in her eyes- there is something about the family environment that makes her feel a lesser person and unhappy.

It does not mean there is necessarily anyone else, just that for her the marriage seems to be failing.

I guess she has to want to make it work for things to get better. You have said at this stage she does not, at least when talking with you. Is it possible someone else talking to her might help? 19 years and 2 kids is an awful lot to just walk away from. Forgive me if you have already considered this but would both of you be prepared to go to a councilor?

Please do talk here as much as you would like, you will be met with understanding

Croix

[Billy2]

Thanks Croix

our daughters do not know yet. We are planning to tell them next weekend as my eldest is away and we didnt want to ruin her holiday.

I have asked her to see a marriage councilor but she doesnt think it will help. I forgot to mention she suffers from depression and anxiety and she has been talking to her pyschologist about this.

I think the biggest problem is she has had some time to think all this through and has been planning how to break the news. She wanted to wait until the new year.

I am so messed up with my emotions. I want answers but dont think ill get them or not the ones i need.

I really angry at the moment and hate her for doing this to me and the girls for her selfishness.

I feel cheated after all the support i have shown her with her mental health over the years and i have stuck by her.

I feel as if im being tossed aside now after doing all the heavy lifting.

As much as it pains me to say it i think and sooner she moves out the better cause it kills me to be around her and her pretending everything is okay.

[Ulysses]

You are not alone in this. But of course you know that already. I struggled with a marriage breakup too after my ex discovered the big c. There’s also the other factor, you are both around the middle age mark and as somebody said to me, this is the time when people reevaluate their life and change happens. It doesn’t make it any easier I know, especially when it feels like you’ve spent all your adult life with one person and you can’t see a future from where you are. But you are still a valuable person in your own right, and from the sounds of it you are a very generous partner. I wish I could take away the pain. I hope you find a good counsellor on your own and you WILL get through this.

[Billy2]

We just had another quick discusion and i told her how hurt and angry i am.

She says she has changed and wants to be alone. Talks about always being the planner referring to when we go out etc. Big deal. I think she is just making excuses.

I asked now that she feels better about herself and has lost a lot of weight how after 19 years marriage and together for 24 that she wouldnt want to put that towards making our relationship even better.

But instead she has decided to walk away.

Talk about being cheated. I dont get to enjoy my wife now she is more energetic, looks great feels better about herself. Just feel completed taken for granted.

Hopefully the anger passes and i can move on.

[Croix]

Dear Billy2~

I can't say I"m surprised at your anger, it's only human. When we do things for our partner or just to keep the household ticking along it is with the unspoken thought it is all building a better happier and more supportive place. To find you partner has a different idea and wants out is pretty devastating and anger can well follow.

I'm glad you mentioned the depression. If you look around these threads you'll see there are many whose partner has left or wanted to leave whilst depressed. Doesn't make it any easier for you I know.

I don't think all your efforts in the past have been wasted, you have brought up two children whom you love. They do not take you for grated I'm sure.

Now there is no way I'd offer false hope, however it it was me, based upon what you said, I'd see what happened for a while before setting things as final in your mind. Your wife no doubt has a picture of what life alone is like, she may find out it is not like that, or she may find out more about herself.

I think Ulysses' suggestion you seek counseling is a pretty good one. Trying to sort it all out inside yourself is not always the easiest way.

Croix