Wife/mother struggling with everything and concealing diagnosed condition

OpinionsNeeded · ‎14-11-2021

Hi,

I had drafted a longer post only to find there’s a character limit. This is a truncated version of what I wrote:

My wife has been behaving extremely aggressively for approaching three years. This is in stark contrast to her underlying nature, which is one of great kindness, empathy and grace. Now she seeks conflict at every turn, especially with me, but also with our three-year-old daughter. It was only when I raised the possibility of contacting child protection that my wife dialled down the screaming at her, and while it still occasionally surfaces, it is far less sustained than it was in the past.

I have put it to her that she may be facing mental health issues but she has been resistant to that and turns it back on me. I have spoken to a range of counsellors and doctors describing her behaviour, and they agree she meets the criteria for mental health problems but naturally can’t diagnose without seeing her themselves. Meanwhile my wife acts insulted and outraged each time I suggest we tackle this together, even suggesting I am trying to undermine her social standing (she is originally Chinese and subscribes strongly to the notion of ‘saving face’, which I feel potentially adds an extra layer of complexity).

Her memory is often distorted, forgetting things that happened or were told her, or recalling things that never transpired (either that or my own memory is faulty). She is disengaged from life, although she does enjoy lovely moments with our child when things are calmer. At my wife’s behest we are not a family as I’m excluded from almost everything - we’re not even permitted to take family meals because I would be a ‘distraction’. I care for our daughter until 12pm daily and she knows something is wrong and says her mother’s anger makes her ‘tired’. This concerns me a lot.

Recently I felt that after 2.5 years of this I was justified in looking at her emails to try to gain some insight. It turned out the top email was to a counsellor, discussing ‘darker thoughts than ever’, a ‘chaotic mind’ and ‘mental vacuum’. She expressed despair at the state of the world, the CCP, Covid and her family’s future in CN. She also said she was on an increased dose of an antidepressant called Lexapro.

I don’t know how long she has been taking medication. Either way she has evidently been diagnosed with a condition that she is not revealing to me. I understand it’s beyond my wife’s control, but I must admit I’m running out of ideas if she won’t let me help her.

Guest_206 · ‎14-11-2021

Dear OpinionsNeeded,

I'm really sorry to hear of the distressing situation that you find yourself in over the last few years. I can imagine that this would have been very draining and upsetting for you. I'm wondering whether you have talked to your wife about trying couples counselling together? You could potentially reach out to Relationships Australia to discuss this with them.

Otherwise, I'd say that in this situation, I would focus on what you can control - yourself, rather than what you can't control - your wife's potential mental illness. If there are things you are not happy with in terms of how your daughter is being raised e.g. you not being involved in family meals, I suggest seeking counselling yourself so you have some guidance about how to approach asking for what you need in the relationship from your wife, and also re advocating for your daughter's needs.

It might also be helpful to reach out to 1800Respect, just to speak to someone about the aggression you are experiencing.

I think it's important that you are supported to help navigate this relationship that you are in, so it's good that you've reached out here.

Xg

Wookie123 · ‎14-11-2021

Hi Opinions Needed

firstly, I have no medical or professional background in this area.

this Sounds like an emotional and mentally draining experience you are working through. It sounds like you care and love your wife and are willing to support her through this.

You mention a young child caught up in this. I encourage you to seek and speak to a professional about this situation, as this could have a long lasting impact on your child.

I feel for you. Hang in there and keep yourself, your child and your wife safe

OpinionsNeeded · ‎15-11-2021

Many thanks for you thoughts - unfortunately she refuses counselling. I even got her GP to suggest it to her and she still refused. With that said, I'm not sure how effective counselling can be with someone in that state of mind since it's extremely difficult to approach anything logically when there's no agreement about even basic facts. Just as one example, there are many, many situations where I am as certain as I can be that I've told her important pieces of information, yet she later maintains she was never told anything of the sort (of course I guess there's a residual possibility I dreamt of telling her, but needless to say I'm pretty confident in my own recollection). So when the starting point is that there cannot even be any agreement on what actually transpired it's difficult to make progress. Even if we could agree on such things, I don't know how receptive she would be to a counsellor's advice simply because everything is currently perceived through the prism of her condition, so reasonable, constructive approaches are instead seen as attacks or strategies to undermine her. Whatever the case, we won't find out anytime soon since at this point she rejects the idea. Meanwhile yes, I'm taking good care of myself, which seems to be the advice for partners in these situations!

Dear OpinionsNeeded,

I'm really sorry to hear of the distressing situation that you find yourself in over the last few years. I can imagine that this would have been very draining and upsetting for you. I'm wondering whether you have talked to your wife about trying couples counselling together? You could potentially reach out to Relationships Australia to discuss this with them.

Otherwise, I'd say that in this situation, I would focus on what you can control - yourself, rather than what you can't control - your wife's potential mental illness. If there are things you are not happy with in terms of how your daughter is being raised e.g. you not being involved in family meals, I suggest seeking counselling yourself so you have some guidance about how to approach asking for what you need in the relationship from your wife, and also re advocating for your daughter's needs.

It might also be helpful to reach out to 1800Respect, just to speak to someone about the aggression you are experiencing.

I think it's important that you are supported to help navigate this relationship that you are in, so it's good that you've reached out here.

Xg

OpinionsNeeded · ‎15-11-2021

Thank you - yes our child is of course very much the focal point here. I've spoken to counsellors on the phone about this and they generally seemed unconcerned, which I must admit I found surprising - perhaps I didn't explain it properly. However as mentioned the outbursts towards our daughter have abated significantly (perhaps with the medication?), so it does seem to me my wife is trying hard to redress that part - I'm sure her old self would be completely shocked if she witnessed some of those historical explosions. At this point the problem is that mum can still flip over very suddenly, which has everyone treading on the proverbial eggshells. It just seems to be a force that is sometimes beyond my wife's control, since she obviously adores our daughter and in a normal world would never dream of harming her. In any event our daughter is coming up for her annual checkup early 2022 at which point I'm planning to get some advice with my wife also present, so we'll see what happens then.