Hurt.

[nib]

I had not spoken with my grandmother in about four months after she had deliberately called me overweight. She called me overweight, after I told her that "life should be enjoyed, not endured," which was in response to the pair of us discussing my diet and exercise. I decided to visit back in May some time with the assumption that my father made for me to ponder over, that she wanted me to reconcile with her. I rang the doorbell to find that she was not impressed to see me at all. I thought that maybe visiting her and trying to talk with her about the fact that she called me overweight had affected me negatively, but instead she deflected the situation onto me and played the victim, which is typical behaviour from her. Her claim is that I am abusive to her although when I confronted her about that she was unable to provide any evidence of me behaving in such a way. I also just wanted an apology for her calling me overweight and for the fact that she abused me over the phone at the beginning of last year. I got cross with her after she dismissed my feelings because I was hurt by how condescending she was towards me. She told either my mother or father that if we attend her house again she will put restraining orders against my mother and I, even though the pair of us have done nothing wrong and nothing to her. My grandmother has also threatened to get a Maori woman in out family to beat up my mum and I. I decided to call SAPOL against my mother's will at this point and the lady I spoke to was friendly and put in a report and recommended that I seek advice from a police officer at a police station. Her daughter, who is my aunt, as well as a cousin of mine, blocked my mother and I on Facebook out of sheer pettiness. Pathetic, really.

My grandmother, who I should mention is a SOCIAL WORKER has previously been verbally and physically abusive to me. I recall being on a holiday with her and she belted me repeatedly because I was experiencing separation anxiety.

[white knight]

Hi Nib, welcome

I think I know the feelings you are experiencing at the moment. I had similar over the years.

Unfortunately some older people find it difficult to apologize to others especially much younger people for some reason. Pride, maybe expectations of them wanting constant respect etc. Dont know, even at 65yo I'm still in the dark with some people attitude.

The other issue you wrote about (well written also) is in regard to he abuse of you and on social media or using tools at her disposal to stand over you and other people. What I found with family and friends is that some are close all the time and others have a type of relationship with us that is sometimes ok, other times toxic. These quasi relationships need to be treated as they are- abusive or abrasive or simply not workable. We seem to want all our relationships to work out 100% but that is not achievable at all.

So we need to take steps to protect ourselves. You should be really proud of your courage in knocking on her door. But now that you know she was nasty and inflexible, you wont second guess next time. So thats a positive right? I think so. No one can say you didnt make the effort.

For what its worth I think contacting the police was a good move, as it will safe guard you if those threats are ever acted upon. Because you made effort and it wasnt reciprocated I would simply stand clear of her and see what happens. If you want to entice her back in your life down the track then you can send her a nice card without too much talking in it. Like "miss you" in it. Eventually she might change her attitude. But essentially its her call, you've hit the ball back into her court so you've done your deeds.

TonyWK

[geoff]

Hello Nib, you say your grandmother is a social worker, goodness me, but you yourself can take out an AVO on your grandmother and this might affect her being a s/worker if that's what you feel is required, as what she proclaims to be, doesn't match as being a caring person, however, that may cause extra trouble for you and needs to be well thought out.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[Petal22]

Hi nib,

Sorry to hear all of this….

Please stop putting the effort in for people who can’t put the effort in for you……..there’s no need to try for people who don’t value you….

I’m sorry your grandmother belted you repeatedly that’s really horrible…..

Sometimes it’s best to let go of people who aren't good for our soul….. be with the people who love you for you…. Don’t waste any of your time on the others who don’t see your value…..

here to chat

[The_Bro]

Gidday Nib and thanks for your post.

Wow that is certainly a disappointing and difficult situation.

I had a similar situation many years ago (although nowhere near as severe) when I saw my Grandfather for the first time in years. His greeting was 'Get a haircut!" and he turned his attention to others in my family. That put me right off further contact for a while. Later on when we met again I made a point of asking how he was, how his garden was going, and made a point of getting to know something about his local RSL to give us a little bit of common ground.

It worked pretty well and our relationship was not perfect, but much better from then onwards.

With your Grandmother, I think its always a shame to have a feud within any family - its much better to resolve it if possible. There is some very good advice in the other replies to your post, so I will come at it a bit differently. Yes, try sending her cards or a little present on her birthday to test the waters to so speak.

She obviously has a very big issue towards you, driven by an problem no doubt that she has with herself and how she regards herself. Working away gradually and thoughtfully should generate some progress over time.

The trick is to find out what she is into - interests, hobbies, beliefs and issues, then work on those. That will show her that you have actually made an effort to find out something about her and her life. It might be rocky for a while and her reaction my disappoint you, but be reliliant and don't give up!

How about this? Give the above a few goes then ask if you can have a brief chat with her. Open up, tell her you want to love her as your Grandmother, and ask what her issues are with you. I know this approach can work wonders as this may break down her barriers so to speak when she hears that you love her and want to have her as your Grandmother.

I fully realise these steps will take some courage and might sound a bit scary as well. Its very much over to you how you feel about it as the situation and relationship is pretty dire!

Very happy to discuss further with you should you wish.

All the very best, The Bro.

[nib]

Hi Petal22,

What really upsets me about my Aunt is that she has all the time in the world for these young women she's never met, except for me, her own niece. I asked her if she could please help me find some accomodation in my area but she declined to help me. Yet, ironically, she 'thinks about me' and 'misses me.' She is fake and pathetic.

[nib]

Hi Everyone,

My grandmother wants to buy me a Christmas present, yet she doesn't want me around at her own DAUGHTER'S house on Christmas Day. Since when didn't she determine who was good enough to visit other people's family on Christmas Day? I have tried to m are amends with my Aunt (my grandmother's daughter) and things are going well so far.

Also, she recently had a fall. My mother tried messaging her to see if she was ok, but no response. I hate my grandmother with a passion. She is the one who has made me this way, NOT my mother.