wife has left me and feel ike just giving up

[sandokan]

went to work three months ago on a friday morning, came home to an almost an  empty house and my wife had left. Have since been told by her she has met someone 4 years ago and is with him and wants a divorce. I cant believe after 16 years of marriage she has gone and taken my life with her including my only child our 16 year son. I am so in shock and cannot face the world and just don't know how to get back up and live without her. I have nothing left in me i go to work and come home to an empty house and i am a real homebody and do not have any friends everything we did was with her family.

[white knight]

Hi Sandokan,

Thanks for having the courage to write your story.

As to the question of kids living with either parent my daughter left her home at 12 to live with me. I checked out the legal side of things and although it can be complex (and costly) no one will force a child to return to the other parent. eg a childs wishes are paramount.

In this situation Sandokan, your son will be 18 soon and an adult. I'd let him know that you dont blame him for lying to you at all. Put his mind at ease. When the time is right ask him if he like to go to the footy one Friday night or similar event???

The legal hurdles including mandatory mediation will take some time. Please, its easier on you to accept this and not hold false hopes on a quick resolution. But it doesnt mean you cant have dreams and goals. Once a goal is set it gives you direction.  For me in 1997 it was buying a block of land to build my own home. I did other things to like fly model aircraft and expand my friendship base.Ever wanted to own a log cabin in the hills? Or travel New Zealand? Or buy a motorcycle?  Surely there is an interest and a goal?

And Geoff mentioned a dog. If you havent got one then go and buy one. I'd recommend a mini fox terrier. A good reason to go for walks and you never know if you'll bump into other dog owners.

Stay positive. Do what I did in 1996. Looked into the mirror and said out loud "you are a good man, you are worthy of someone new, you will rise above all the odds". And time is a great healer.  Good luck and keep us posted.

[sandokan]

i actually thought about that the other day, what if she telephoned me and said it was a big mistake would i go back to her - all the lies and sleeping with another man - how could you every look or hold someone like that again.

i hope i meet someone someday who will love me for me and i can move on like she has.

[--Danny--]

Good luck mate, I hope it all works out for u 

[geoff]

dear Sandokan, if this did happen it would put in a difficult situation, and although you may really want her back, my answer is NO.

There's an old saying 'once they have done it once before, the odds of her doing it again are extremely high'.

The idea of her wanting to return is just so that she has a roof over her head, and as soon as someone comes anywhere near her she will be off again.

It won't be a trustworthy marriage, she will tell you lies, and you will never know what is going on in the background.

I wouldn't take her back. Geoff.

[Struggler]

Hi Sandokan

I am with Geoff 100%.  History is a pretty good indicator of future behaviour.  Don't take her back.  

Your son will come looking for you one day and that day won't be too far away.  He is 16 and he'll start to question and think for himself.  Soon he'll be able to judge for himself.  Meanwhile try keep in touch with whatever means you have, such as Facebook or email.  So Facebook does have its use sometimes.  He might not reply immediately but he will. 

Just allow yourself to grief then move on.  Please know that you will meet someone who deserves you. 

Struggler

[JBV]

Hi Sandokan,

I hope you are doing ok. I am going through a similar situation. I was married for 6 years, and we have a beautiful daughter and a house together. And just after having our first baby, wife decides to leave the house, and she says she don't like to live with me. I am confused, if it is post natal depression, or if she planned this separation long before, or something else.

She took my daughter overseas, left baby with her mother and came back to Australia. We don't talk much. But I message her, asking about my daughter, about when she is planning to bring my baby back. There is no response. And as India is not part of Hague Convention, I am not sure what I can do.

So I am now left alone paying for the mortgage and other bills all by myself. My wife was all I had, she was my wife, my friend, my partner, my world, my everything. Now I am just not sure about the future.

In your case, your wife atleast told you that she is having an affair, but in my case my wife is not communicating, so I don't really know why this separation is happening.

I keep myself busy with doing physical exercises, gardening, walking my dog etc. But once the legal battle begins in the court for property and our child, I don't know how I am going to cope.

Take care. Stay positive. Stay strong. Cheers.

[white knight]

Great advice JBV

There is a great organisation called "dads in distress".

Contact them. They even have articles on facebook.

People that refuse to communicate are cruel. You did nothing wrong. She is disrespecting you and your daughter.

Yes, you also stay strong and get through the property and family law court saga. Once its over you will cope. You will be your own soldier.

Well done

Tony WK