Wife has left because of my childhood trauma that i didn't recognise until now

[Dav67]

Having grown up in a migrant household with an abusive father (both physical and psychological), i was not aware that these traumas would manifest in my adult life. My wife of over 30 years has decided to seperate for the time being (although i think this could be it). My behaviour over the years was hot and cold. Grumpy and angry for no apparent reason to loving the next. My ignorance to how this impacted on my wife and her mental health is  embarrassing. She has tried to love and help me over the years but i found that difficult to accept due to the nature of my trauma . I am currently seeing a psychologist to help with the trauma but i desperately want to be with my wife again. How do i earn her forgiveness?

[Dav67]

Doing it tough, but i am building my support network. There are some truly wonderful individuals out there. This is something that i would not have done in the past but i see the negative outcome of macho male bravado

[Juliet_84]

Hi Dav67,

Your sincerity and your acknowledgment of your role in things came through a lot more clearly in your recent posts, and it is clear that you are going through a period of growth and reflection. That’s the thing with growth isn’t it, it almost invariably occur as a result of hard times. In the same way you are a product of your upbringing, your father was a product of his. But with increased awareness comes the opportunity to break the cycle and heal. Your challenge (as is most of ours) will not be to resort to old but familiar bad habits when stressed. I imagine your wife will be particularly attune to how you react in those moments. Every time you surprise her by reacting the opposite, she will begin to rewrite the bad opinion she has developed of you. Nobody ever said it would be easy, but the truly worthwhile things rarely are.  

[geoff]

Hello Dav, sometimes by loving yourself you need to love another person first.

There are no term long rewards for being a male macho as we all change as we get older.

My best.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[Dav67]

Life definitely hasn't been easy Juliet_84. In the process of forgiving my father. He knew no better. His schooling stopped at first class. By age 16 he was living on the streets and fending for himself. It is definitely time for me to grow as a person outside of my work environment ( ironically i work in healthcare ). Effective communication was not a strong suite of ours, for different reasons. We both still truly care for each other even if the possibility of a reunion may be out of reach. My wife is a good person who deserves more.

[Dav67]

True Geoff, i love both of our adult children and grandchild. There is not a thing in the world that i wouldn't do for them (within reason). I still love my wife  as well, despite the hardship that we are experiencing. I do know that i need to let people love me for me without any strings attached.

[Juliet_84]

I certainly hear you Dav67, we often cut ourselves on the shards of broken people. I have been on the receiving end of anger and domestic violence almost my entire life and it has changed me irreparably and shaped me immensely. It is infinitely more complex than the black and white thinking we still ascribe to it as good vs bad, often the perpetrators are our incredibly flawed or fragile loved ones who learnt somewhere along the way to weaponise their insecurities or feelings. But I think when we can start to see the people who have hurt us so badly with empathy, then true healing can begin. Of course there will always be those people who take zero accountability for their actions and continue down the path of manipulation and other toxic behavior and I think those people are best removed to conserve peace. But I think there’s hope for the rest of us who are just trying to make it through and do better than what was done to us. I wish you peace and healing on your journey, and I hope you can find a way to work through your anger so that you can control it and not the other way around. 

[geoff]

Hello Dav, when people first meet and have a 'honeymoon' period, they can do this with unconditional love, but as time passes and the relationship processes we learn what other people like about us and what they don't, but then love without strings attached is not easy to obtain, simply because they know us too well.

Geoff.

Life Member.