Why is this happening to me

[coco1691]

For the last two years I've felt very little for anyone in a romantic sense. There was one guy that I went on one date with and I had sparks but he was a jerk and would have made my life terrible as I found out a fee days later. So I broke it off. I've went on countless dates with guys and I actually have a new boyfriend at the mkoment. He easily makes me smile and can pick my mood up off the floor so quickly. He's supportive and caring and puts me first. We have a lot of things in common and we have a ton of fun together. I never get bored of him being around. He's not bad looking either. His smile always makes everything seem so much better. So why am I feeling blank? Why do I not have intense feelings for this man if he's everything I've ever wanted? When in alone, why do I often feel like breaking away from him and distancing myself? 2 years ago I was with a man I loved more than anything in this world and I felt so so much for him that it was unexplainable. We dated for a year and a half and then he broke up with me one morning in a text message. I cried for months. It hurt me more than anything ever has. I've never been the same since then. I also have borderline personality and OCD along with depression and anxiety. I'm constantly questioning what I feel for him and if I'm doing the right thing or if I'm wrong or I'm sabotaging myself by psyching myself out. I can't get in contact with my therapist to have a session because of lockdown and she doesn't help that much anyway. Can someone help me make sense of all this. I told him last night I felt blank towards him and it's put him in a downwards spiral and I'm crowing between what he's saying and the guilt and sadness I feel mixed with the bad thoughts travelling through my head constantly questioning everything. I'm at the point where I just want to drive and drive anywhere to escape everything. I'm not coping at all. Not to mention I lost my pet a week ago whom was 10 years old. That broke my heart. Please don't tell me to leave my boyfriend because that just makes my head worse. I need some sort of insight into why I'm feeling how I do and how can I fix this.

[Croix]

Dear coco1691~

Welcome here to the Forum, its a place where many people are unsure of the way they feel, almost like there is some 'proper' way to feel and they are failing becuse they feel differently.

People fall in love for lots of reasons, does not have to be good looks or anything like that, nor even love by the other. It happens when you are ready, not at a convenient time. As you said, your heart has been broken twice - 2 years ago, a week ago.

It simply takes time to heal, and a heart can take a very long time. I'm not suggesting you break up with your BF, you do not know what will happen, and I'm sure you can put things in a way he can understand and are not hurtful. Maybe he will want to stick around even knowing how hurt you have been.

Relax (as much as you can) and enjoy the company, hopefully you will good company for him too. See what happens.

You mentioned you have BPD, OCD, depression and anxiety, a combination sure to fill one's head with negative and questioning thoughts an awful lot. May I ask if you might consider finding medical support that does help? ATM most people can have tele-health consultations. You are the expert on how you are, you are in charge, and need to find the combination of support that clicks.

I never improved until I had the right GP and psych.

Do you think this might be worth doing? If you did and wanted to discuss how that could be in another post.

I look forward to hearing from you

Croix

OK so you now have a very good freind htat seems to tick all hte boxes, but you don't respond inside. Maybe that is because you are not yet ready to plunge into love - and risk yourself. Oh yes, love is a risk, and you have been talking about just that .

[coco1691]

Hello Croix. I'm so sorry for the late reply. I've been trying to keep busy and keep my mind off things as much as I can. I have told my bf about how I feel and he begged me not to leave him and said that I make his days worth living basically. Suffice to say, I have a good impact on his end of things. I know I have a type that I go for. The bad boys who end up treating me like trash and I tell myself they will change back but of course I'm just lying to myself. This is not healthy and I don't want to be with another boy like that. Which kind of led me to pick my boyfriend. He's sensible and loves kids. Much more grown up. I don't have an outlet to discuss how I feel to anyone apart from friends. I tried signing up to a councillor however the fee was $100 and I am unable to work due to my depression and anxiety. Plus I'm studying to try and become a vet. I'm not super woman and I can't save every animal but I'm sure as hell damn going to try. I'm a former wildlife carer so I'm used to taking care of sick and injured as well as having to fight to get them to take their meds. I've been bitten countless times but to me, they are scared and just doing what they can to do survive. I have so much love in my heart to give and for animals I do. To the moon and back but for humans apart from family, it seems impossible now.

[Croix]

Dear Coco1691~

No apology needed, you reply when it is the right time. All good.

After a number of malign boyfriends I'm not surprised at all your heart keeps things in reserve.

I guess it is a measure of your perception that you had realized history was repeating itself and it came down to making choices. It sounds like you have made a good one this time. To have that perception would seem to me to show you are moving out of a loop and into fresh ground.

Maybe you need time.

As for animals, not only does my family have an endless steam of rescues, Sumo Cat and Foxy Dog at the moment. Until we were no longer in a position to do so we had orphaned wallabies (from roadkill) in bags hanging in various places and later bounding around making a right mess.

You don't really know what is impossible, do you? It is certain you can love when things are right.

Croix