Where do I go..

[Emzxx]

My fiancé abruptly left 3 months ago, she didn’t explain what was going on and it left me in a horrible position but somehow in her head it all made sense?

mental health has always been on the cards and throughout our relationship I did mention things she’s got terrible anxiety and OCD.

She scared me by going to the police and we didn’t speak at all for 6 weeks, I then received a message saying she will be back at our house as per normal and this shocked me.. I said we need to have a talk before this happens and we did and everything started pouring our, we were both so sad and still loved each other very much. She tried to come back home and be normal and it just didn’t work and was traumatic for me because every time she left I couldn’t trust if she was coming back.

Over the last two months it’s been a roller coaster, she’s told me she’s started seeing a psychologist and that she wants to transition home.. that never happen and now she just comes and stays when she wants.

Finacially we each aren’t in a good spot and it’s been tough, she’s very irritable and can explode at the drop of a hat and I’m walking on eggshells. Her mind changes so easily and she says things that are so open to interpretation and it becomes difficult and ends in utter confusion. She’s now telling me we are just friends and that she wants to work on herself and I work on myself and we spend time together, last week we went to dinner and she stayed over and it ended in a fight because I had to bring up a couple of financial things.

Shes constantly tried, she will tell me she’s just not having a good day and that she can’t talk to me, she’ll change her mind last minute, she’s always trying to process information and struggles to communicate.

Things change constantly and it’s so difficult for me, I feel like I’m the closest person to her so I’m taking the brunt of her anger..

how can I effectively communicate with her and let her know even though I’m hurt it’s safe and that she’s loved without expectation? She feels pressure from absolutely anything and it’s very difficult for me to understand this.

Im trying really hard to stand by her.

[baet123]

Hey Emzxx,

Welcome to the forums. Really brave of you to share a bit about your situation with us.

I am sorry to hear that you have had a rough last few months. It sounds like you have been through and are going through a great deal. I think it may be a good idea to ask her why she left abruptly three months ago and find out what you guys can do to address the underlying issues which are detrimental to your relationship. You deserve to know why she just "got up and left" a few months back and like you said, her actions in the past have left you feeling unsure about whether she will be returning on a regular basis which is not healthy for the relationship and your emotional well-being.

If your partner has serious mental health conditions including anxiety and OCD, addressing these issues will be extremely beneficial to your relationship particularly in the long run.

I believe it is quite unfair as it seems that you want to help her more than she wants to help herself. Often people won't change or improve their condition until they truly want to change and improve their quality of life. When people are pushed into treatment/intervention, this is often unsuccessful. Time is super important and for some people, it takes them a long time to realise that change is needed and that change is possible and realistic.

It seems as if her condition and actions are detrimental to your emotional well-being. Our own well-being is extremely important and we must take care of ourselves before we take care of others. You are doing an amazing job supporting your partner and you possess amazing qualities. However, a relationship requires effort from both parties involved and that is something you should consider.

I think you should consider being extremely blunt with her and demand an explanation or answers to many of your very reasonable questions. The questions which you are seeking answers to are legitimate questions and most serious relationships which don't enjoy open and honest lines of communication are not positive and sustainable relationships and situations for people to be in.

Hope this helped and all the best to you and your partner and I hope communication improves between you both.

Nick.

[Emzxx]

Hi Nick,

thank you for your response, I’ve tried to be blunt and she goes into flight and fight mode and becomes completely irate.

its recently come to my attention that I think she’s in a state of avoidance and it appears whenever the topic of us or our relationship is mentioned. labels and pressure are currently a trigger spot for her not only within our relationship but other aspects such as admitting the possibility of mental illness.

Shes seeing a psychologist and says she just needs help with a few things..

I also suffer from anxiety and am working on it in therapy and am now medicated and I feel ALOT better, things are becoming much much clearer which I think is why I’m here.

I am definitely starting to take care of myself this has become a priority for me, however I do love her and want to be there if I can be.

I don’t believe we can sort anything out until she deals with herself.

Im having trouble adjusting to the person she currently is because it’s very different to the person I know and love.. she’s hiding her emotions and feelings she doesn’t want to display them and they come out during these explosions.

when things get heated is there techniques I can use to de-escalate?

[Guest_7403]

Emzxx said:

when things get heated is there techniques I can use to de-escalate?

There's no point in trying to have a rational conversation when the other party is being irrational, as you wont get a rational response.

Try set up boundaries, begun the conversation when they are in a rational state...if they become irate or irrational tell them you wont continue the discussion when they are being irrational....wait till they calm down or approach you again in a better frame of mind

[baet123]

Hey Em,

It is great that your anxiety is improving due to medication and therapy. You are super aware of your feelings and your situation which is amazing.

Your partner, however, may require more assistance than just a psychologist. Medication may be necessary as she may have a chemical imbalance and would require therapy and medication to assist her.

It is important that you continue to take care of yourself before you take care of others.

Here are some de-esculation tips I have learnt through my studies that may assist you:

1. Do something different - A good way to break a harmful cycle is to try something different. You feel like you’ve said the same thing over and over but still aren’t being heard. Instead of reacting with an explosive outburst, take a deep breath and consider that it might be time to try a new approach

2. Be rationale and always respond in a polite and civilised manner (even though this may be really hard sometimes).

3 - Be soft spoken and always remain calm.

Hope this helped.

Nick.

[therising]

Hi Emzxx

You sound like such a thoughtful caring person and your partner is very fortunate to have you in her life.

I believe relationships have a tendency to define us to some degree so it always remains important that we assess, on a regular basis, how we wish to identify our self whilst we're in a particular relationship. A healthy sense of identity may look something like this:

• I am considerate and should also be considered
• I am loving in the way I wish for others to evolve. My own evolution is just as important
• I am supportive yet my support can not be endless if mental and emotional abuse is present, for I am someone who must also support my own well-being

These are just a few ideas.

Whilst you wish to continue helping your partner move beyond mental, emotional and behavioral challenges, it can be difficult to draw that line that separates support from enabling. It is definitely worth considering setting some boundaries so that you don't lose sight of who you are and what you feel you are entitled to, in regard to the respect and consideration required for your own evolution to continue taking place.

It's good to hear you are taking care of your self and great that the therapy and meds are having a positive impact in your life. As you would know, self-responsibility is definitely part of our positive evolution. It sounds a little harsh I know but at the moment you are largely taking responsibility for your partner's decision to continuously leave and come back. It is you who is facing the instability and mistrust. I suggest she needs to face this and be answerable when it comes to the torment it's creating in the relationship. Opening up a dialogue with your partner when it comes to her responsibility in the relationship is tricky but worth considering. Asking what she wishes to take responsibility for in the relationship could be something that helps start this dialogue, to get it moving in a more conscious direction.

Take care of yourself Emzxx

[Emzxx]

“Whilst you wish to continue helping your partner move beyond mental, emotional and behavioral challenges, it can be difficult to draw that line that separates support from enabling. It is definitely worth considering setting some boundaries so that you don't lose sight of who you are and what you feel you are entitled to, in regard to the respect and consideration required for your own evolution to continue taking place.

It's good to hear you are taking care of your self and great that the therapy and meds are having a positive impact in your life. As you would know, self-responsibility is definitely part of our positive evolution. It sounds a little harsh I know but at the moment you are largely taking responsibility for your partner's decision to continuously leave and come back. It is you who is facing the instability and mistrust. I suggest she needs to face this and be answerable when it comes to the torment it's creating in the relationship. Opening up a dialogue with your partner when it comes to her responsibility in the relationship is tricky but worth considering. Asking what she wishes to take responsibility for in the relationship could be something that helps start this dialogue, to get it moving in a more conscious direction.”

Take care of yourself Emzxx

Hello,

thank you for taking the time to read my story, what you’ve said is something that I have been toying with in my head for a little while now. ”enabling vs support” although I want to set boundaries I feel I need to earn her trust, it’s like she’s scared I’m going to hurt her but I have never intentionally hurt her..

it’ll be impossible I think unless she trusts me.