When you know it's hopeless but you keep trying.

Lolue · ‎06-12-2017

5-6 months ago I broke up with my bf, I instantly regretted it and wanted to get back together but my boyfriend said no as he has previously gotten back together with an ex and he said it lead to resentment. I really miss him. I tried going on dates but it felt like someone had punched a hole in my chest. I would stupidly msg him even though I knew he wouldn' reply. We also got angry at each other when I tried to organise to get a book back I ended getting his house mate' gf involved to help get the book back. This made him angry of course but I did get it back. Despite everyone thinking he' an asshole I still miss him and want to get back together. Despite him coming across as having an ego he does have his good points. I don' know what to do anymore.

Lolue · ‎14-01-2018

I don' know if in 6 months time my response would be different but this is what I thought I would say "Unfortunately at this time I don't want to be friends with you, because of the way you treated me after the break up and because you are terrible with communication. It is not unreasonable for an ex to ask for a conversation to help get closure and on to get to speaking terms especially when those exes work for the same company. Its also not that unreadonable to ask not to avoid people and to just say a hello in passing.I truly believe you would benefit from seeking professional help and to work on your communication skills. Shutting down and pushing people away or bottling up your feelings is not a healthy way of dealing with your issues/problems. I did at one point want to be friends but I'm the kinda person who would offer my full support to a friend in need but if I were to be friends with you I don't know if I would get that same support back. I believe at this time it would just turn into a toxic relationship where only one person communicates and offers support. I think you definitely need to work on your communication skills as your 26 year old adult it's just going to cause more issues in the future if you don't deal with things now. I hope you reflect on this because I don't think you'll be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone until you sort your shit out and learn how to communicate with people."

Lolue · ‎20-01-2018

I f****** hate this! I'm so angry and fed up. I feel like my ex gets away with how he' treating me! That I'm not allowed to ask to be treated with respect! We work with the same company but different buildings but the mat be times he has to come to my building or if we have a joint work function. At my christmas party he couldn't stand within 2 meters of me without walking way when I came near. It made it awkward for the people around us. So I spoke to my team leader about it yo have our hr guy speak to him. Because my ex is a team leader aswell and for new people who don' know we dated see him treating me that way think there' a Manager treating an employee that way. I know my ex will react negatively to being spoken to. But why should I care about someone who has shown not to care about me or my feelings. I shouldn' have toask to be treated with respect!

mylittleprofile · ‎21-01-2018

Hi Lolue,

I’ve had a read through this thread and I’m sorry to hear of your feelings in your story.

As the others suggest try to focus on yourself and not so much the ex. It’ll get easier - trust me!

Even with the work stuff. Keep on doing your job and try leave him (for the moment) to do his job. One day you guys may talk again, or you might not. It’s hard - and as others have said - many have lived through your story and feelings and can relate. Keep pushing on and perhaps it’s too early to be going on dates??? Do fun things with friends, have a spa day... really just try so hard to focus on you.

Xx

Lolue · ‎28-01-2018

So I'm a bit scared at the moment cause of what I'm about to write cause I feel so ashamed and guilty of my actions. But I'm trying to hold out to my next appointment with my psychologist. I really screwed everything up. I became so fixated on the idea that if I had one conversation with my ex I would get some closure and would be able to move on (stupid I know now cause even if I had that conversation dosent mean itwould help its all about taking care of myself I know that know.) But I stupidly became fixated and constantly sent messages and calls to my ex. I see it now for it is borderline harassment 😞 which hurts so much cause I know it' true. I broke down at work cause I started having thoughts that screwing everything up and just a burden and that it would be better if I wasn't around. Ive deleted my ex off everything and I had previously asked him to block me cause I knew wasn' in a good headspace and could see I was stuck and what I was doing wasn't good. At the moment I really want to apologize to my ex for my actions but I know if I try to reach out the moment it may come across that I'm harassing him again. Also I don't want to seem like I'm only doing it to make myself better. I don' know if it' pointless or maybe I should give it time and wait a few months. Ive screwed up and I have to live with the consequences of my actions. But I hate how I'm now going to known as a harrier. And know most of you are going to reply with move on focus on your self. But I just feel like I have to do something to help fix things. I dunno what to do in this situation.

Lolue · ‎28-01-2018

I'm also really worried that my mind is going to fixate on the need to apologize. It would great to have a response and hear some advise and maybe some similar stories where people have made the same mistakes as me or who made themselves look crazy and what help in those situations. I know people say do things to help focus on yourself so I'm asking for help in to stop the feelings with shame and guilt or anyone has been in the situation that made them look crazy what helped, did you cut out your ex of your life or do you still have contact if so do you feel like given space and time did your situation improve?

Lolue · ‎29-01-2018

Anyone with any advice? Feel like I'm going crazy! I'm trying to move on but still mise my ex. I still want him back even though I know it' never going to happen :'( I'm screwing everything up.

Birdy77 · ‎30-01-2018

Hi Lolue,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I've been there, and felt like i was going round the twist.

I am happy to chat with you more about your feelings if you would like.

I see you have had very caring replies from others already, and know you want different advice from "focus on yourself".

My advice right this second, considering your fear of fixating on the desirecto apologise to your ex is, don't do it. I would strongly suggest No Contact. The more you contact, the further into the toxicity you will go. It will be very very hard to enforce this on yourself, but i think at this point, it's very important that you stop any contact whatsoever.

When i was going through a similar situation i had a friend i could text each time i felt the urge to text my ex. Do you have someone who could be that for you?

You asked if feelings of guilt/shame get better with time, the answer is definitely yes, but the 'time' only starts once you've stopped all contact.

As you work for the same company, perhaps in time you will be able to be civil, but at this point i think it's important to stop texting and calling him.

I am happy to keep chatting with you about other strategies to help you move forward if you would like.

🌻 birdy

Lolue · ‎30-01-2018

Thanks birdy. I have stopped contact. I just feel so broken and feel like im becoming numb. And i hate the fact that i still love and miss him. Im so tired of trying to push through everything. I really feel like ive screwed everything up. And i feel like im nothing and worthless.

Birdy77 · ‎30-01-2018

I know that feeling too Lolue, and I'm very sorry you are having those feelings now. I can tell you this though: you are not nothing and uou are not worthless. You are a wounded person who has put her all into a relationship and been left with nothing. I felt like a shell of a person when i had my experience, because i had lost myself, i had poured my heart and soul into my ex and had nothing left for myself. Is that sort of how you are feeling?

Lolue · ‎30-01-2018

Yes its so hard to believe we went from talking all the time to no contact. I know the silent treatment is the way my ex deals with things but it makes it seem like it was so easy for him to cut me out. And hearing that hes moved on sucks cause i feel like im still struggling. And sucks cause i have all these questions i want answers to but i know im never going to get them. And it knowing that our work Christmas party he couldnt even stand near 2 metres of me.